Gump For Heisman

Neil McCready... TRANSLATED

Gump4Heisman.com


So, there's this Neil McCready email going around. And if true, it's pretty darn interesting.

First, the backstory.

Some of you who don't closely follow the man (evidently a lot of you) may have wondered what was going on when Mobile journalist Neil McCready disappeared from the WNSP Radio show "The Sports Drive," only to show up a few months later writing articles for the Ole Miss Rivals affiliate RebelSports.Net.

Well, he was fired. Canned. Shula'ed.

Interesting.

Because McCready once claimed fired head coach Mike Shula was "the best Alabama can realistically hope for," and described the very thought of Nick Saban-to-Alabama as "Eddie-Murphy-at-his-peak hilarious."

 And now McCready, who once aired shows  Delirious with the hirings and firings of the SEC and Alabama, was the one getting the Raw deal. What had happened? His condescending criticisms of Life in small-town Alabama couldn't have been sharper had they come straight from the teeth of a Vampire in Brooklyn. Sure, those in places like Beverly Hills Cop an attitude towards small-town life and its limitations. But in Alabama, college football is king. And the pressures of what happens on Saturday Night Live on the shoulders of everyone who makes a living from it. Take McCready for instance. For five years, during the heyday of Alabama's downturn, he was The Golden Child. But things change quickly. When McCready was on top, he mocked the squeaky clean image of Mike Shula, saying the cutthroat SEC was no place for The Distinguished Gentleman. He mocked Alabama's fan base, saying the chances of Saban coming to Alabama were as good as the chances of Fidel Castro Coming to America. Then, 48 Hours later, Saban was Alabama's coach. And, seemingly Another 48 Hours later, McCready's radio career went Boomerang. Right back to where it started. Dead. Faded into black. As dark as the sky over Harlem Nights. Things had indeed come full circle. Less than a year after the employed McCready had mocked the fired Shula, the two men found themselves Trading Places.

GUMP'S FINANCIER: "Writings Of English Writings on World of Sporting With Balls"

by PABLO ALEJANDRO GUTIERREZ JOHNSON
Columbian Drug Lord & Financier of Gump4Heisman.com

Hello beeches.

This is my belong website. Am not writer. Am money man. Am living in Columbia. Am lord of powders. Am selling heroin most every day of week if you like. Am checking emails at heroinpinata@gmail.com. Emails me. My shit will put you in clouds. Is bad for you. Don't say 'Hello' for drugs. Just say maybe. (Last part of writings is shit from cows. Is typed because of lawyer. Is scared of legal rapings. Is leetle beech of man.)

Am not good with writings of English writings. Am not speaking it good. Am not writing it good. Did not exit from vagina into country of Englishes. Am naive Columbian. Am financing writings of comedian with John Lennon haircut. Is not Beatle. Is not 1963. Is need to get fucking haircut.

Am finally convincing lanky comedian to let me punch keyboard. Is very difficult. He is not letting other people punch keyboard for blogging. He is goofy piece of fart. Now is let me. Because finally I pay him. So is my left turn to comment hilarious comments on world of playing with balls.

Holy toilets. Is busy week for sporting of balls. Cannot believe in LSU quarterback was pushed off team. Is very good news. LSU quarterback is one of biggest personal heroin sellers. Is used to make me good money. Is free up for now more sellings of heroin. Fuck the yes's!

Am very much finally having respect for Les Miles. Kicks bad man off team. Makes country of United Americas finally say ‘Good from you Les Miles.’ LSU picture appears better in mirror. Miles grab respect from newspaper cult. I make more money for future heroin dealings. Everybody is 1-0.

Kevin "White Poppa Chocolate" Scarbinksy: ‘Bama’s draft was whack yo!’

By Kevin “White Papa Chocolate” Scarbinksy
(AKA ‘K-Scar’)

What is happening players?

Players of bitches. Are you playing bitches? I am. I am White Poppa Chocolate. But you may pronounce me by the also-in-use moniker of K-Scar.

Yes yes you guys.

White Poppa Chocolate is playing bitches like these whores were not in fact bitches but were Playstation 3’s. Check out my suit. It is capable of aviation, yo. It has more buttons than a PS3 controller. It is whiter than bird defecations. Holler.

Do you play bitches like White Poppa Chocolate plays bitches? I imagine you do not.

Yo, to all of my canine mammals, what is occurring with your life at this exact moment in time?

Yes. Yes. Eternal damnation yes. For auto-biography y’all. For auto-biography.

Do you have knowledge of what I am vocalizing?

K-Scar is the man, have knowledge of what I am vocalizing.

Do you have affection for these whores? K-Scar does not. K-Scar does not have affection for these whores.

Yes yes you guys. Yes yes. K-Scar does not have affection for these whores, K-Scar is out of the entrance through which he came.

G’s up, H-I-J-K’s down. Yes yes you guys. Fornicate the bitch-ass alphabet. For auto-biography. Yes yes.

That is the topic I am currently talking about, bitches.

Roger Clemens: "I Heart Dumpster Pussy"

by ROGER CLEMENS
SPECIAL to Gump4Heisman.com

Hi folks, I’m Roger Clemens.

Perhaps you know me from such noteworthy events as playing for the Red Sox, playing for the Yankees, or being Roger Clemens.

But I’ve come to you today to talk about something else entirely:

Dumpster pussy.

Don’t knock it until you’ve knocked it.

In all those years of watching me gain weight and throw 102 MPH fastballs, you probably never thought ‘Hey, I bet as soon as this game is over, that fellow there is going to slip his engagement ring into his pocket and penetrate a baggy-eyed coke-slut.’

And my, how wrong you would have been.

You see, all of these years Roger Clemens has been known for Cy Youngs. And a rapidly expanding head. But what you guys haven’t known, is that Roger Clemens bags more dumpster pussy than a homeless Brad Pitt.

Dumpster pussy is not to be confused with Grade-A bush. This is the kind of pussy you scraggle together when you’re truckin-for-a-fuckin at 4 in the morning. When you’re in sleazebag mode, which for me is pretty much a 24-hour-a-day gig.

Dumpster pussy. Cheap, Grade-D, poor-quality, makes you regret it afterwards. It’s like the Taco Bell of poontang.

But, nevertheless, it is so much fun for everyone involved. Including the dumpster.

"CASEY AT THE DRAFT," a Poem from Gump4Heisman

Gump4Heisman.com

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Alabama seven that day:
The Draft had gone six rounds, with but one round left to play,
And then when Kiper kept talking, and Todd McShay did too,
A pall-like silence fell upon the formerly-in-Crimson crew.

The hungry few who'd given their all, and the spoiled rest
Clung to the hope which now arose anew in Casey’s breast;
"If only they'd seen this mighty Casey master his craft –
They'd put up even more money to land Casey in this draft."

But Brandon Coutu preceded Casey, as did also Carl Nicks,
While the latter issued blocks, the former only dealt in kicks.
Indeed the 7th Round brought on a most melancholy phase,
For there seemed little chance of Casey-to-the-stage.

Then it was Flynn to the Packers, to the surprise of all,
And Marcus Monk to the Bears, to go catch the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and men saw what occurred,
There had been Dunlap to the Eagles, and Hester in the third.

From two-hundred-and-fifty throats had come a huge yell;
It had rumbled through the valley, it had rattled in the dell;
It had pounded on the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For they had been told by the league, ‘You’re coming to bat.’

There was ease in Casey's manner as he sat inside his place;
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face.
And when, responding to his family, he pointed to the screen,
No one in the room doubted he would find himself a team.

The Haikus of Perrilloux

trying to avoid interceptions.
also,
federal subpoenas.




4th quarter.
we will lose.
or is that the weed talking?




there are people who think i am a violent thug.
but it doesn’t matter.
because i’ll put a hit out on those people anyway.






"ryan perrilloux"
rhymes with
"michael vick."







committing murders.
and,
costly turnovers.




money.
it doesn’t matter to me.
mainly because i can print it out whenever i need some.




to people who watch my every move:
why do you always wear jackets,
that say ‘fbi’?

Saban to star in new reality TV show

Alabama coach skirts recruiting rule with cameras

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. (AP) –

Nick Saban may be able to meet in-person with recruits this spring after all.

Only not in the manner he originally imagined.

On Tuesday, ESPN announced plans for an upcoming reality sports show titled Saban Knows Best.

The show will follow Saban around as he goes about his usual coaching activities – practice, speeches, meetings, and – yes – road trips.

The reason for Saban’s interest in the show? There just so happens to be a TV loophole that may allow him to skirt a recently-passed recruiting rule. Meaning he could visit high schools during the spring and meet with recruits – something made entirely possible by the presence of cameras.

Due to NCAA bylaw, head coaches can no longer visit a recruit during the spring. But the presence of cameras, and ESPN, makes the rules a bit more muddied. Because for television – from which the NCAA, the SEC, and the University of Alabama stand to make substantial profit – the bylaws allow for unlimited promotional appearances.

In other words, if Saban chooses to visit a high school, and an athlete happens to be on the premises, nothing is to stop the two from interacting.

“Aight,” said Saban. “We are interested in filming the show. Aight, not relative to generating viewers. Aight, relative to signing five-stars.”

“Aight, that’s the only reason we’re interested in anything. If I speak at a podium, it’s because a five-star might be listening. Aight, if I stop and listen to what you have to say, it’s because I think you might one day give birth to a five-star. Does Nick Saban only eat in the presence of five-stars? Yea, aight, because five-stars are the only people who don’t make Nick Saban lose his appetite.”

“And we do feel the show is necessary, aight, because otherwise, we don’t feel like reality TV is a worthy exercise,” said Saban. “Aight but we need to use it, relative to dominating rednecks with trampoline ears who don't want to recruit.”

THE LOST SPRING: A Casablanca Parody (Starring Nick Saban)

NOTE: After the recent slap-stick postings, here is a foray into fiction/parody. And it comes on the heels of the news of Nick Saban's masterful recruiting tactic - using video-conferencing to meet with recruits once the NCAA banned him from going on Spring recruiting visits.

And yea, I've been watching a lot of old movies. Enjoy.

(PART II)

A Novella (to be adapted for the screen by BILLY WILDER)

------

CAST:

Nick Saban (played by Paul Henreid)

Kevin Steele (played by Humphrey Bogart)

Terry Saban (played by Ingrid Bergman)

SEC Commissioner Mike Slive (played by Claude Rains)

--------------------------
"THE LOST SPRING"
--------------------------

ACT THREE

THE coach stood, perched against the wooden post in his office.

In came Steele, still in the dinner coat from the night before.

“Hello Steele. Get some sleep?”

“Don’t mind me, I’m fine. The Commissioner here yet?”

“I expect him shortly.”

“Well, I suspect I’ll sneak one in. Got a light?”

Before the words could even leave Steele’s mouth, the coach’s outreached left hand flashed the spark of a match, engulfing the tip of the cigarette in an instant.

“What’ll you suspect happens when he finds out?”

“I suspect he won’t like it.”

“And then what do you suspect will happen?”

“After that? Nothing.”

“Diabolical Nick, Diabolical.”

“Why thank you Steele.”

“Anytime.”

The coach paced to the window, his eyes focused ahead. “Why Steele, I believe we have company.”

In came the Commissioner, his look of displeasure poorly masked.

“Why here they are Commissioner,” said Terry, now in a spring hat and dress, attempting to make the strenuous situation as friendly as possible.

“Thank you Mrs. Saban,” said the Commissioner. “Hello Nick. Steele.”

“Commissioner,” said Steele, leaning against the desk in a half-sitting position and ashing his cigarette butt rather casually.

“How do you do Commissioner,” said the coach.

“Forgive my rudeness, but this is rather unprecedented,” said the Commissioner. “Why, may I ask, have I been summoned? I am, I’m afraid, rather busy.”

“Yes we know Commissioner. Aight, you’ve been quite busy pandering to that big-eared car salesman of yours. How goes things on that front Commissioner? I would have imagined I would have put him out of business by now.”

“Far from it,” said the Commissioner.

“Give it time Commissioner,” replied the coach. “Give it time.”

“Why Nick,” said Terry, going over to her husband’s side. “There’s no need for that sort of talk. This is a friendly meeting, isn’t it? Let’s keep it friendly.”

“It’s okay doll,” said the coach, his intense stare never once leaving the Commissioner’s unnerved eyes. “I don’t suspect it’ll stay friendly once the Commissioner finds out, aight, why I’ve brought him here.”

“And why is that Nick?” said the Commissioner.

“Commissioner, aight, I’ve brought you here to tell you something. Something important. Something I’m quite sure isn’t going to sit well in that meandering little belly of yours. Something quite dastardly, isn’t it Steele?”

“Dastardly indeed,” replied Steele, standing by the coach’s side, casting his own stare.

THE LOST SPRING: A Casablanca Parody (Starring Nick Saban)

(PART I)

A Novella (to be adapted for the screen by BILLY WILDER)

NOTE: After the recent slap-stick postings, here is a foray into fiction/parody. And it comes on the heels of the news of Nick Saban's masterful recruiting tactic - using video-conferencing to meet with recruits once the NCAA banned him from going on Spring recruiting visits.

And yea, I've been watching a lot of old movies. Enjoy.

------

CAST:

Nick Saban (played by Paul Henreid)

Kevin Steele (played by Humphrey Bogart)

Terry Saban (played by Ingrid Bergman)

SEC Commissioner Mike Slive (played by Claude Rains)

--------------------------
"THE LOST SPRING"
--------------------------

PROLOGUE

THE season is lost, thought the coach.

And paced about the study. Frantic. Searching. Fuming but to himself like a man who knew a secret that he could not let go. A secret that he had to hold close to his vest as it were infant and he were caretaker.

But this was no secret. It was quite public. For it was a rule. A bylaw. Made official as if it had been passed by Congress.

Damn them, thought the coach. Damn them all to hell.

The coach took one look at his watch, and then shot his eyes to the glare on the cold, dark window. He peeked through out into the night. The outside was as barren as they had been when they were ten minutes younger.

He poured his penetrating glare outside the study door. To find only a lonely hallway, and an unmarked carpet.

How could it be that an entire season, one that held such potential and promise, was now lost? The spring, he thought, was to be his moment to shine. To tell the entire world that he was a man who would be stopped. Could not be stopped. Not by some coach. Not by some lazy, flop-eared rival.

And not by some goddam bylaw in some goddam pamphlet. Not by a rule designed to honor the lazy, while the dedicated and hardworking sat alone in their living rooms, dreaming of what possibilities had escaped them.

Damn them, he thought. Damn them all. And where the hell was Steele?





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The Gump's Off-Season "ASK THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY" Extravaganza

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

The monkey is back.

After a lull of doing nothing but smoking dope and throwing his shit at young zoo-goers, college football's favorite talking, corporate-sponsored monkey is back to do what he does best:

Say funny cuss words.

And, cover college football topics.

This week is the most monkey ever. Enough material to cover three "Ask the College Football Monkey" segments.

Frankly put folks, it's a motherfucking extravaganza.

...

Should NFL teams really look into Darren McFadden's so-called "character issues," even though he never faced any serious suspensions in college?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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So Monkey,

Are you surprised at the fact that LSU could again have multiple 1st Round picks in Saturday's NFL Draft?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Speaking of the draft, what do you think of Dallas's move to acquire Pacman Jones for a 4th-Round pick?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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So monkey,

Should Glenn Dorsey be drafted by the St. Louis Rams at #2?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

 

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Alabama has consistently placed players in the 1st round of the draft from the days of Bryant all the way through Bill Curry and Stallings. Then I read somewhere that they haven't had a 1st-round draft pick since Shaun Alexander in 2000.

Is that true?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Can Alabama's coaching staff really keep up the unprecedented recruiting they've done under Nick Saban?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...