10) Getting into it with 'The Greatest Generation'
‘Sit down.’ ‘We can’t see the game.’ ‘I pay money for these seats.’ ‘I like Ike.’
You’re bound to hear it. You’re at a game. You stand up. You cheer. And, mostly, it goes by unnoticed.
Then, at some point, the grey-hairs in the back start bitching. And rightfully so. The way they see it, they didn’t see their buddies die face down in the Battle of Antietam so young whippersnappers in zoot suits could stand up and act all uppity.
You pay it no mind. You glance back. Finally, the smuggled sock-bourbon forces it out of you:
‘Listen old man, it’s 4th and 1. Either stand up and watch, or just imagine the shit like you did during the golden era of radio.’
And before you know it, you have General Longstreet’s superior officer coming at you with an AARP seat cushion like he’s Sonny Corleone by an open fire hydrant.
The fight will rage on for eternity.
You’ll never see eye-to-eye. And not just because he’s bent over like an on-duty prostitute. Because you’re from two entirely different worlds.
When you were in college, 50 Cent was a rapper. When he was in college, 50 Cent was a damn good salary.
9) Going back to campus and exaggerating how much ass you'd re-get in college
If you were still in college, you would get so much pussy.
You would smash ass at such an record-shattering pace that it would lead to televised Senate hearings. See that hot girl? You would tap it. That blonde? You would crush it. The curly-headed one? Your id just fucked the shit out of her id. Doggystyle.
‘Man, do you know what I would do if I were still in college?’
If you were still in college, parents would send their daughters to school with fucking wrought-iron panties. Dads would order their daughter's va-jay-jays to retreat to Helm's Deep to avoid being ransacked by the massive armies of your cock.
Never mind real life, and all the times you went home empty-handed and jerked it to Windows-Media-Player-porn.
Nevermind all the times you got shot down in front of the entire fucking bar, took home the fatty, or got too drunk to spit game and was turned down by an army of 3 A.M. Plan B’s.
Because if you could do it again, you would be fucking Pierce-Brosnan-with-the-cameras-rolling. Your dick would be so active, it would have a resume. You would fuck until '1-UP's starting popping up over your head. You would would fuck like Star Power.
Oh, and all the girls now are hotter than they were when you were there.
All of them. You have to say it. It's a rule. It has nothing to do with the fact that you’re used to working in an office all day with 35-year old women with tank asses and titties that look like Zip-loc bags full of water.
21 year-old girls now are hotter than 21 year-old girls were in the ancient bygone era of 1998-2002.
Uh huh. And you could bag them all.
8) Your girlfriend/wife questioning your sanity
Somewhere between the broken remote control and you shouting repeated obscenities at a 37”-inch Samsung LCD TV, it’s bound to happen.
‘You’re crazy.’
She’s right. You are fucking crazy. You’re bat-shit. And you know it. Then again, it’s the fall. 90,000 other people in hundreds of American cities go bat-shit every Saturday.
She just doesn’t understand. She’s a woman. And women are irrational. Women are so irrational they don’t understand why you spend 15% of your salary on season tickets and love your starting quarterback and hate your starting quarterback and love your starting quarterback and let the actions of 19 year-old strangers dictate your mood for one-fourth of the Caesarian calendar.
They just don't get it. Crazy bitches.
7) Deciphering incoherent message board code
'RTR.' 'WDE.' 'JFK.' 'FDR.'
WTF does any of this mean?
What in the name of monogrammed towels is going on?
No one knows, but in the midst of logging on to your team’s message board and trying to find legit info, you’ll want to find out. Because entering a message board as an abbreviation-virgin can be like the real thing: painful and confusing.
It starts out innocently enough. You log on in search of inside info on USC’s new 13-star quarterback signee. You click on a thread that catches your interest, and – boom – it’s like you’re playing scrabble with Gary Busey.
'LMAO.' 'ROTFL.' 'IMHO.' 'STFU.' If these aren’t the caps-lock ramblings of a deranged lunatic, well then just what in the fuck are they?
They’re message board abbreviations. And it’s college football season. So make like Nicholas Cage and decipher that shit ASAP.
What does all of this mean?
DLAMJFTSOFY.
(Don’t Look At Me Just Figure That Shit Out For Yourself.)
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