Individualized statements from Mike Vick

Hello.

My name is Mike Vick. I am a quarterback. I have NOT killed a lot of doggies. I repeat, I have NOT killed a lot of doggies. I am sorry for NOT killing all of them. Very sorry. With Purina on top.

I have made an agreement. Yes, I did it. By that, I mean I did NOT do it. I did not slaughter and maim and murder doggies. So now I will apologize to all the doggies I have NOT killed. Other than the ones that no one knows about me NOT killing. Because my lawyer says not to talk about them. Um, so if anyone is reading this, will you not read those last few sentences? Or this one? Seriously, why are you still reading? Dog, that is some bullshit. Whatever. Where is the delete button? Whatever. I am stoned. Now I wi- Oh damn, I did it again. Do not read that second-to-last sentence either. There. I did not do anything. But if I had done it though, I would apologize like this:

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Max,

I am sorry. I am sorry for killing you. With a mallet. Even though you fight like a tortoise and cost me seven G’s.

Reb,

Hey boy. How are you? Oh that’s right, you are dead. My bad. My bad about that. I did not mean to strangle you to death on purpose.

Max Jr.,

Boy. The apple did not fall far from the tree. You fight like a bitch. Sorry for the midnight knifing though. That was mean.

Sam,

What can I say boy? You were a great champion. I am sorry for hanging you from an oak branch. But you have to admit. You were a bit past your prime.

Arnie,

Hey boy? Do you remember that time I took you on a walk? Then brought you home and shot you in the face? Good times! Well. For me at least.

Romo,

Gee pal, I miss you. But we sure did have a lot of good times. Other than that time I electrocuted you to death. Twice.

Silent Bob,

I guess it is too late to as you: Why did you never bark? Was it because you were shy? Or because Romo bit off your larynx? Ha, I bet it’s the second one.

Bud,

Hey Bud, Please forgive me for choke-slamming you. Uh… and hanging you. Um, oh yea – and while we’re at it, beating you with my shoulder pads and kicking you off a cliff.

Barney,

Hey boy, what can I do to apologize? Anything you want. What’s that? Ok, hold a minute. Here you go boy… here’s a treat. And a machete. To the face.

Pepe,

Hey bro. I’m sorry about making you fight that Doberman. I was really high. Like, really, really high. Holy shit, I think I’m still high off that weed. But I never shoulda put you in there. Especially since you’re a Chihuahua. Yo quiero yo’ forgiveness.

Rocky,

Whoa bro. First off, somebody misnamed your smelly ass. Because you fight like a one-legged kangaroo. That is some bullshit. But it still didn’t give me a right to discus you off a roof. My bad.

Drago,

Mad respect. Cuz your spiky-haired ass was a bad motherfucker. I swear. I didn’t even mean to. That was some back seat Pulp Fiction shit. Didn’t even see yo ass. Oops.

Apollo,

Damn dog, I didn’t even have to finish you off. Yo ass was gyratin’ on the floor like Apollo at the beginning of ROCKY IV. That is actually how you got your name. It used to be Juan. Shit. Man, I wish James Brown had been there. Was James Brown there? I don’t think so. Fuck it. My bad Juan.

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So that is it. I will be issuing a special statement tomorrow to address the killing of my most famous doggie victim that I did not kill.

Woof woof motherfuckers,

Mike Vick

Comments

[YoMomma]

Hey. Don't you be throwin down on the memory of my poor late Pepe!

This is funnny, though. Mike Vick deserves it. And congrats on getting 100,000 hits! Wow.