Poems from the heart (of the NFL)

Ah, the NFL. A young man's game. And there's nothing like the fresh summer season to inspire a young man to write poetry. From summer breeze and lush green fields to mutilated dog carcasses and assaulted strippers, there's not shortage of inspiration in the crazy world of the NFL.

Well in honor of the upcoming season, we have a collection of poetry from some of the NFL's finest...

“Winner” by Peyton Manning

Hey hey, look at me, I’m a choker no more,
Now like every great champ, I’m a Gatorade-whore.
You see me on those ads, all up on your TV,
Wearing a fake mustache, funny as can be.
With this ring I look so different in everyone’s eyes,
So there goes Payton Manning, choker in disguise.

“Transition” by Reggie Bush

Who Dat? bitches, I made the Saints good,
Even if my rookie stats blew peckerwood.
I wore black and gold and made e'm all proud,
Even when my ex-agent ran his mouth real loud.
I had USC swagger, now it's NFL strut,
So long as I can handle the big-ass pay cut.

"New Start" by Ben Roethlisberger

Hello everyone, the 'burger has returned,
And this time the patty will not taste so burned.
'Cuz I know last year I sucked ass and caught heck,
But I blame all that shit on my motorcycle wreck.
Because last year I could have died right there on the spot,
Which could have improved the Steeler's offense a lot.

"Fuck Al Davis" by Randy Moss

It's about fucking time I'm on a good team,
Al Davis can swallow Randy Moss's man-cream.
Al Davis is such an old whiny piece of shit,
Gettin' mad at Randy for a pre-game bong hit.
But now that I'm part of the New England Brady Bunch,
I'm sizing my ring finger, and it ain't on no hunch.

“On Retirement” by Tiki Barber

All everyone says is I retired too young,
But who says football players have to be dumb?
Taking hit after hit gets old after a while,
Now I’m up on TV, flashin’ that trademark smile.
So yea, let Sportscenter give LT all the talk,
‘Cause thirty years from now, I’ll be able to walk.

“On Recognition” by Shaun Alexander

Hey hey everyone, ya’ll remember me?
I’m the motherfucking 2005 NFL MVP.
Yes, cusswords are something I usually don’t say,
But now all Shaun hears about are LT and LJ.
So just ‘cause my weird ass named my kid ‘Bible Verse,’
Don’t mean I can’t get back up from the ol’ Madden curse.

"Bitches" by Pacman Jones

All these players sayin' Pacman is dumb,
cuz I'm sittin at home wit' my ass to my thumb.
But actually, bitches, the Pacman is wise,
I'm gettin sweaty wit' ladies, y'all gettin sweaty wit' guys.
And while all 'yall out there layin' out hits,
Pacman's up in the club, sprayin' on tits.

"Clouds" by Mike Vick

Clouds are so pretty they take away my breath,
Like the first time I choked a doggy to death.
So high in the air, If only I could reach up and grab,
I wouldn't be down here, electrocutin' a lab.
So while America aims to give me feather and tar,
I'll back over one last puppy right here in my car.

“Token” by Vince Young

Roger Goodell needs a new token black,
With a real strong arm and a rushing attack.
The only condition is I can’t murder pets,
And take dogs to the graveyard instead of the vet’s.
So I’ll be that guy just like I was in the Rose,
And make the Texans sorry for that dipshit they chose.

“Being the Commissioner” by Roger Goodell

What hell happened from last year to this,
To turn the NFL from lemonade into piss?
Half the Bengals offense is hauled off to jail,
And Vick’s wearing a belt made of all doggy-tail.
So be nice to Roger and blow kisses and hugs,
While I do my best to manage all these goddamm thugs.

Comments

[tom]

hahaha, hilarious

[eric cartman]

lame

[kyle]

cartman, you're such a fatass.

[Trent]

Am I a bad person for thinking this is spew-out-your-beer funny? Fuckin' brilliant.

[mfcg]

funniest thing i ever seen and pacman is my hero

[john long]

funny shit