Gump For Heisman

EXCLUSIVE: Copies of 5 SEC Coaches' Insider Newsletters

Gump4Heisman.com

Well, it turns out Coach Fran isn't the only one with a secret newsletter. Hours after news broke that Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione had ben busted for issuing an insider team newsletter to paying Texas A&M boosters, five copies of SEC coaches' newsletters were delivered to Gump4Heisman.com.

The results?

Profanity. And lots of it.

Below are the un-edited transcripts of insider team letters written by:

Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban

Tennessee Head Coach Phil Fulmer

Mississippi State Head Coach Sylvester Croom

South Carolina Head Coach Steve Spurrier

Auburn Head Coach Tommy Tuberville

Reader beware of some extreme language. You know, like 'Fuck.' And stuff.

Poems from the Heart (Of ALABAMA football coaches)

Gump4Heisman.com

-- A SERIOUS NOTE: This post goes out to – and was inspired by – my homeboy “Drew in Mobile” and his father, who are prepping for serious surgery as we speak. Drew, you’ve always been a huge supporter of the site, and all of our readers’ thoughts and prayers are with you. When your dad is all better, maybe this can help you two share a chuckle. Roll Tide. --

(Also... Thanks to 'TM' for the quick history lesson)

Without further ado, here is a collection of Gump4Heisman’s poetry. Alabama football coach style.

“Call me Run DMC cause yo' I Started It All” by Wallace Wade

In 1926, I took ‘Bama on a train to the west,
To prove to the nation the Tide was the best.
We won the ’26 Rose and the ’31 too,
And made football in the South, for us & for you.

But think, when you read all these next rhymes,
I won the National Title three different times.
So I don’t want to have to hear any more crap,
About how it was “Bear” who put ‘Bama on the map.

“Don't make ol' Frank put the Big Hurt on Ya” by Frank Thomas

When it comes to Championship rings, I won me a pair,
But all everyone knows is that I coached “the Bear.”
So I mentored ol’ Bryant and taught him this and that,
But you'd think he was the first guy to ever wear a hat.

Yea, I know some 'Bama fans think of me and forget,
Who I am as a coach and which National titles I split,
And I know some Auburn fans say my ’41 ring isn’t legit,
But on the topic of rings: since when does Auburn know shit?

“O-Fer” By Ears Whitworth

Hey everybody, it’s your good buddy Ears,
Y’know, the goofy lookin’ guy with all the losin’ years.
I lost about as much as the other guys won,
But back in the day, my players sure had fun.

I was a shitty bad coach, I'll admit that’s a fact,
I kept playing Auburn, and I kept getting smacked.
So when ‘Bama has a bad coach, it should be understood,
That is the only way Auburn can ever be any good.

REPORT: Barry Bonds’ balls to be branded with asterisks

SAN FRANCISO, Ca. (AP) –

It turns out steroids aren’t the only thing that will leave their mark on Barry Bonds’ teeny tiny toddler balls.

Now Bonds’ nuts will be fit for a new mark: asterisks. On each one. Assuming he still has two.

The news came on Tuesday that Bonds’ sunflower-seed-sized balls would be branded with two asterisks and shipped off to the Hall of Fame. That news came from fashion designer Marc Ecko, who likes men.

Ecko, who is hyper-gay, bought the microscopic balls in an online auction. After the purchase, he opened voting on a website to decide what to do with them. Fans voted overwhelmingly to have them branded with asterisks and sent to the hall of fame in Cooperstown.

The other three choices were to send them to Cooperstown unblemished, to launch them into space, or to let Marc Ecko keep them so he could play with them whenever he wants to.

49 Things To Do Now That Brett Favre's 3-0

Gump4Heisman.com

If you are an NFL fan, this is undoubtedly a confusing time for you. Brett Favre has Green Bay sitting at 3-0, and he's completed 64% of his passes for 861 yards, 6 TDs, and only 2 INTs. Yet the calendar says "September 26, 2007."

What in the name of Keanu Reeves in Point Break is going on here?

How could this be?

Shouldn't Brett Favre be more like 0-3, with 6 INTs and 2 TDs? What is going on you ask? Is Sharon Stone still a box office draw? Is "Champagne Supernova" still the greatest song ever? Should you freak out, get a bowl-cut, buy a Tommy Hilfigger shirt and jam out to some Alice in Chains?

No. No. No.

The best thing to in situations like this is to breathe in and relax. Take it easy. And read Gump4Heisman's handy "49 Things To Do Now That Brett Favre is 3-0."

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1) Do the Carlton dance. Because Brett Favre is 3-0.

2) Break out the cargo pants and fill the pockets with Alanis Morrisette CDs.

3) Offer a stranger $150 for a Tickle Me Elmo doll. Then sell it to another stranger for $250.

4) Argue over how many Budweisers it would take you to "Whassssssssup!" Monica Lewinsky.

5) Go see Scream.

Why? Because Brett Favre is 3-0.

6) Talk about how awesome The Rock was, and how there's no way Con Air can suck.

7) Argue over who made the 'black-guy-with-blonde-hair' look cooler – Dennis Rodman as himself in San Antonio, or Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix in Demolition Man.

8) Make a bet with a friend over who will hit it bigger – Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. Bet heavily on Matt Damon.

9) Talk about how much of a given it is that Ken Griffey Jr. will break Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record.

10) Talk about how you think Danny Wuerffel will be a better NFL quarterback than Peyton Manning.

11) Log into AOL using dial-up on your Gateway computer. Enter in the web address www.BecauseBrettFavreis3-0.com

12) Double-check, then triple-check, your plans for Y2K.

13) Argue with your friend over who is hotter, “the blonde chick” from No Doubt, or “the hot one” from the Spice Girls.

14) Make a bet with a friend over which Hanson brother will hill hit it bigger. Bet heavily on none.

15) Go see Clueless.

16) Play Doom on your Gateway computer.

17) Argue whether or not the Unabomber looks more like Weird Al Yankovic or Michael Jackson.

“Maximus the Merciful” stuns crowd, spares Lloyd Carr’s head

ROME, Italy (AP) –

They call him “Maximus the Merciful.” And over the weekend, he lived up to his billing.

He did something quite remarkable. Something quite inspiring. Something quite staged. He let Lloyd Carr live to see another day.

With the embattled coach on both knees and ready to be finished off, with the rabid crowd calling for blood, with the ominous “thumbs down” given from Michigan AD Bill Martin, the gladiator drew his sword and lifted it in the air. But what followed, was unexpected.

General Maximus Decimus Meridius, whose name is really fucking long, stepped aside, threw down his sword, and helped the vanquished Carr out of the gladiatorial arena.

As Maximus Decimus Meridius (no wonder everyone just called him ‘Gladiator’) carried the coach out of the ring, reaction from the crowd was mixed. There were scattered boos and hecklers, while others claimed to be inspired by the celebrity ass-saving.

How good is Tim Tebow?

Gump4Heisman.com

Just how good is Tim Tebow?

Tim Tebow is so good that whenever CBS or ESPN or LFS broadcast a Florida Gators game, they should digitally insert a halo over Tim Tebow's head that follows him live on every play. This way, when Tim Tebow lets off on a glorious run, we will see him. When Tim lets off a beautiful pass from the heavens of Tebow, we will see him. And we won’t just see him, we will see him for what he is – the majestic pony prince of all 117 college football provinces. If this means sacrificing the yellow first down marker, so be it. Would you rather have CBS count ten yards for you, or would you rather have CBS illuminate Tim Tebow’s inherent goodness for you? I thought so.

Tim Tebow is so good, to watch him play in person or on TV should require a special license attainable only through offices run by slow government employees. In these offices, lazy overweight women named Claude will sit and chatter and talk about their ass-rashes and drink Nestea and sweat. When you get to the front of the line, they will spew Nestea all over your official “Permission to watch Tebow” papers. Then they will hand you 55 cents to get them more Nestea and ask you to go to the back of the line. Which you will do. By this time, you will be questioning how much you really want to watch Tim Tebow. But then you will think of him and bat your lashes. And it will be clear. He is that good you will think. He is worth it. And you will re-enter the line. With a twinkle in your eye.

Tim Tebow is so good that all men should want to kiss him. It does not matter if they are not his teammates. It does not matter if they work out or never cry at movies. It does not matter if they drive a Dodge Ram with flow pipes. It does not matter if they have a tattoo that says ‘Thug Life’ or have “vagina” listed #1 on their facebook interests. It does not matter if it is you. Because the second you see Tim Tebow let loose on a run from center, you will find yourself puckering up on the couch as if you are waiting on him to run out-of-bounds and straight into your living room. What is that feeling you get after the run, when you realize Tim Tebow is still inside your 37” Samsung HDTV prepping for the next play? Heartbreak.

Tim Tebow is so good that they should get rid of postage stamps and replace them with 1-by-1.5-inch official UF team photos of Tim Tebow. This way, people will be much more motivated to pay their bills by mail instead of online. Which will free up valuable internet server space for people to perform non-stop Google Image searches for 'Tim Tebow.' This will also eliminate more trees, which are a tangible threat to Tim Tebow’s unrivaled goodness.

Tim Tebow is so good that the NCAA should pass a bylaw requiring the names on the backs of all the 84 other Florida Gators to read “NOT TEBOW.” This way, no one will turn on their TV sets, see a blue Florida Gator jersey under a pile and grow excited only to cry uncontrollably when they realize that the Florida Gator in question is not #15 Tim Tebow but #85 Greg Taussig. And do not make the assumption that you can tell Tim Tebow apart from other Florida Gators because of his skin color. Tim Tebow transcends race. He is not black or white or Hispanic. He is simply Tim Tebow. And he is that good.

VIDEO: Texas A&M president has harsh words for Coach Fran

-- BREAKING NEWS --

Apparently, people who bet on Texas A&M last night weren't the only ones irate with their blowout loss. Only hours after Dennis Franchione led his Texas A&M Aggies to a 17-34 blowout loss to the unranked Miami Hurricanes, the President of Texas A&M issued him an urgent video message.

Click the link to watch: (beware of language)

A&M President Not Pleased.

Saban guides Vols, Tigers to 2-4 start; has ‘Bama at 3-0

Three games into '07, ‘BAMA fans having cake, eating it too






TUSCALOOSA, Al. (AP) –

Everyone knew Nick Saban would make Alabama good.

But no one thought he could simultaneously make Tennessee and Auburn this bad.

The heralded coach was hired to turn around the Alabama program. Which apparently only took him three games. But it’s the way he’s also turned around the Auburn and Tennessee programs that is the talk of Tuscaloosa. And that’s what has Alabama fans buzzing. Along with some stiff A.M. Bloody Marys.

“That’s what you pay $4 million for,” said Alabama fan Rex Spectations. “Coaching. Look at the results. Look at how unprepared he’s had Auburn this year. Penalties, turnovers, unmotivated play. Since his hire, they’ve been one of the worst-coached teams in the SEC. And that’s all you can ask for.”

But don’t think Saban doesn’t have motivation for Auburn’s sudden implosion. His $32 million dollar contract is heavy on incentives, including those that cover his ability to make Auburn smelly bad. According to the details of his contract, Saban will receive an extra $500,000 if Auburn “sucks” (6-6), an extra $750,000 if Auburn “blows” (5-7), and an extra $1,000,000 if Auburn “blows donkey balls” (4-8 or worse).

NEW Gameday T-Shirt: "Nick Saban can triple stamp a double stamp."

We all know the movie.

We all know the tuxedos.

We all know the lines.

Now instead of only quoting them, you can wear one. And maybe get a laugh or two. Besides, in the wake of Nick Saban's masterful introduction as Alabama's head coach, does it really seem like there's anything he CAN'T do?

(CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

$15.00

(plus $4.00 S&H)

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ESPN 8 "The Ocho" to broadcast New Mexico State-Auburn

Network also agrees to hold joint casting call for Auburn QB

AUBURN, Ga. (AP) -

Can you play quarterback?

Or if that sounds too difficult, can you play quarterback at Auburn?

America, or at least the small portion of it that is aware of Auburn football, will get the chance to find out. Thanks to "the Ocho."

ESPN's step-sister network, ESPN8, will broadcast the colossal New Mexico State-Auburn game this weekend at 6:00 PM ET, while everyone else is watching Georgia play Alabama. But at 2:30 PM, while everyone else is watching LSU play South Carolina, "the Ocho" will begin conducting an open casting call. For an Auburn quarterback. Who doesn’t suck. Ass.

“We agreed to broadcast this game because we have so much respect for Auburn’s vast tradition,” said ESPN8 spokesman Stan Del Greco. “Plus ESPN2, ESPN3, ESPN4, ESPN5, ESPN6, and ESPN7 all passed.”