Fulmer's arrival means big business for Tuscaloosa restaurants, food retailers

A GUMP4HEISMAN.COM SPECIAL REPORT
Thursday, October 17, 2007

Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

It’s a small-to-mid-size town, depending on your definition of "small," that features a thriving University life nestled in the middle of a laid-back southern town not unlike those you’d find in Georgia or North Carolina. And every Saturday, as is the case at any big-time football university, life-as-usual in this quaint West Alabama town is halted. Because, after all, the Crimson Tide is about to take center stage.

Every home-game Saturday in the fall, hundreds of thousands of people from all across the state and the Southeast flock to town to see the Crimson Tide and their 12 National Championships go to battle on the gridiron each week.

One of the biggest games every year is the annual “3rd Saturday in October,” the legendary rivalry between The University of Tennessee and The University of Alabama – the two most successful, tradition-rich programs in the long, proud history of southern football.

And so, for most fans, the Tennessee-Alabama game is seen as one of college football’s most storied rivalries.

But for many Tuscaloosa restaurateurs, it’s like biennial Christmas.

Because every two years, UT’s arrival marks one of the biggest business weekends of the year for the Tuscaloosa restaurant and food industry.

The reason?

When the Vols visit Tuscaloosa, they bring their 300-plus pound football coach with them. And the economic ramifications are enormous.

Bigger than Phillip Fulmer’s waistline?

“I wouldn’t go that far,” said local restaurant owner Phillip Weaver. “But in 2005 Buffalo Phil’s did $16,700 on Fulmer's take-out orders alone. And that was Friday, before they lost the game. After the loss, the word is Tuscaloosa’s Hagendaas sales spiked 800%.”

In short, when Phil Fulmer comes to town, he brings his obesenicityishness with him. And the results are overwhelming.

PART I: Restaurant Preparation

Similar to the Christmas season for many retailers, when many stores make the lion’s share of their yearly profit in a short amount of time, SEC-area restaurants brace year-round for a Tennessee visit. Which makes the Volunteers by far the most anticipated visiting team on any SEC schedule. At least as far as the food industry is concerned.

But it’s not as simple as just bringing in a few extra staff people.

“Oh, I’ve worked in all types of restaurants and retail businesses,” said Maude Hedfield, a waitress and manager at City Café, a popular Tuscaloosa restaurant. “And Fulmer week takes the cake. There’s just so much preparation involved. You have to order massive amounts of food weeks and weeks beforehand, hire temp people to help with the volume, make sure all your doors are wide enough for standard Fulmer compliance, quadruple reinforce the benches, tables and chairs to prepare for the extra weight load, rent moving trucks and 18-wheelers in the case of to-go orders, fly in live hippos to train your wait staff on how to properly serve something that eats at such intense volumes, and purchase liability insurance in case a waiter or waitress loses a hand trying to feed him – which I’ve seen before. In the restaurant industry, we call it getting Fulmered.”

“It was just too much. And I grew to hate it. Which is why I came here,” added Hedfield. “We’re closed on weekends.”

Part II: Consumer impact

Fulmer’s arrival in Tuscaloosa reaches much further than just his own personal economic impact. Days before Tennessee visits an opposing campus, many local residents flock to the grocery stores to load up on food for fear that – once Fulmer arrives – there won’t be anything left on the shelves. The rush for food usually begins mid-week and lasts right up until Saturday, according to those in the grocery business.

“Oh, it’s just like whenever a big storm or something is coming through,” said Winn Dixie manager Stan McGuffie. “Every two years, we just sit around in the back offices around early October and say to each other ‘Well, guess we better start getting ready for Hurricane Fulmer.’”

“But no, personally, I totally understand the rush,” said McGuffie. “He’s just so fat. So very fat. I mean, I get real nervous before he comes to town too. Like, crazy nervous. Shoot, forget the grocery store. I start getting all scared of the food I already have in my cabinet. Y’know, like maybe Fulmer is just like this really fat, resourceful ninja or something. And, like, he’s going to come in town and get really hungry. And what if he’s driving by my neighborhood when that happens? Cause I’d like to think my neighborhood is pretty centrally located, y’know? And then, what if he’s like ‘Stop the bus, I smell flavor-blasted Cheetos’ and then he makes a few moves – y’know, like a big orange Jet Li or something – and all of sudden he swoops in my pantry and takes all my snacks and all my chocolate Pop-Tarts and my all Zapp’s Cajun Crawtators? I mean, it gets to me just talking about it, man. It scares me. I just wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats and stuff and I end up clutching my snack food and watching Spongebob until I can go back to sleep."

"It’s not that I’m scared of Phil Fulmer the football coach. I’m scared of Phil Fulmer the obese food pantry ninja.”

Many local residents even flock to the local fast-food restaurants on Thursday and early Friday in hopes of placing orders before Fulmer’s representatives clean the place out. The end result is millions of dollars in the pockets of Tuscaloosa food retailers – from high-end restaurants to fast-food joints to grocery stores to gas station candy racks.

PART III: Residential impact

Fulmer week can be a scary time for many Tuscaloosa families, as many households make sure not to let pets roam stray for fear that they will be abducted – and immediately eaten – by Fulmer. Since 1995, when Fulmer was hired at Tennessee, the reported number of missing pets in Tuscaloosa has only marginally increased. Yet on weekends when the Vols play the Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa, the numbers have risen drastically.

Still, sometimes it works out in the residents’ favor.

“Well, as a teenager a few of us were out partying one Friday night before a UT-Bama game 7-8 years ago,” said Greg Beringer, a local Tuscaloosa resident. “And we got ass-faced out at a buddy’s farm and wrecked my 4-Runner. Bad. I mean, we were all okay and everything, but I’m just sitting there terrified of what my parents would say when I tell them I’ve totaled my car. So Saturday rolls around, I’m still drunk, and I can’t think of anything better to say. So I walk in and tell my parents that I had parked it close to where the UT team was staying. And that Phil Fulmer had eaten it.”

“My dad didn’t even bat an eye. And neither did the insurance guy. He made a few notes, said he had seen the same thing last year in Athens, and covered for the whole thing. I was shocked. Pretty soon, I had a brand-new 4-Runner. And a brand-new appreciation for Phillip Fulmer.”

Whatever the situation, it’s clear that no other SEC coach has the same kind of impact on opposing college towns. To hear fans in Tuscaloosa speak about him, he takes on a role that seems bigger than the game itself. He has truly become larger than himself. Because to these fans, Phillip Fulmer isn't just a coach. He's a maniacal fatass. A maniacal fatass that wants to eat all their food. And their pets.

“When I think of Phil Fulmer, I think of that movie Return of the Jedi,” said local business owner Steve Guarisco. “And what if Jabba the Hutt doesn’t die? What if, instead of getting strangled with a big chain, he just starts eating wookies? Y’know, he just fights back and straight-up eats Chewbacca. And then maybe he eats Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia and George Lucas too. And then he’s like, ‘Boy I could sure use me some desert.’ So then maybe he eats Lando Calrissian. And he just keeps eating space people and keeps getting fatter and fatter until he grows legs and regular sized arms and stuff. And then maybe he gets in a space ship and says to himself ‘You know, I think I’ll check out what Knoxville, TN is all about.’ And you never know, maybe he knows somebody who knows somebody in the UT Athletic Department. And maybe the timing is just right. And before you know it, they decide he’s the fat space alien for the job. I mean, think about it. Seriously. Is that how it went down? Who's to say?”

Others were even more blunt about their description of Fulmer, who - according to Wikipedia - eats 22.4 cheeseburgers per hour.

“He’s fatter than the mom in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape on old-school birth control,” said local resident Reginald Hunt. “You know how back in high school you had them girls you knew was doing the Clarence Carter, because out of nowhere they went and blew up? Y'know, got real fat, real quick. And you was like ‘That girl’s getting stabbed more than a OJ Simpson love interest, and I know it. Cause the only two things that can make you that fat that quick is either getting on birth control or getting knocked up.’ Well Fulmer is like that. He's like the obese flowery-dress lady from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape on a assload of fatty birth control. He's exactly like that. Only much, much fatter.”

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So this weekend, when Tennessee visits Tuscaloosa to take on the Crimson Tide, restaurant registers will cling and clang, locals will shop and stock their shelves (not to mention guard them), and residents will check and double-check their own preparations.

All because of a big game.

And an even bigger coach.

Comments

[Chris]

Wow. I don't think I've laughed that hard at an article yet. Well, the SEC insider letters were good, too. But seriously...Fulmer ate my dog.

[tom]

no way you mentioned greg beringer, you are hilarious

[paul shultz]

if you happen to know someone named greg beringer, it is completely by coincidence. i pick all these names randomly and they have no actual basis in real life.

[Jimmy]

Awesome! Good job!