Gump For Heisman

October 30: Ask the College Football Monkey

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

For anyone out there wanting to make sense of the wackiest season in the history of modern college football, Gump4Heisman.com gives you the one man, er, monkey, who can do it.

Sick, twisted, and with a knack for inappropriate analogies, here is the college football monkey and his profanity insanity...

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Dear College Football Monkey, 
Do you think it's time to get rid of Fat Phil?

Ryan

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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so college football monkey; what do you think of the ploy by lsu fans to wear houndstooth hats garnished in purple & gold for the bama game?

beaudreux rednesky, junior

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Dear College Football Monkey,
Would you say that you don't know shit about football or that the AIDS makes you stupid? Inquiring minds want to know, go fuck yourself dumb monkey.
Justin from GA

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Monkey,

My husband and I are simply appalled at your act. For shame! You are a sick, foul-mouthed monkey.

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

GUMP4HEISMAN SPECIAL: More Nick Saban magazine covers

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

It seems like you can't turn anywhere without seeing Nick Saban's name/face in the news. Well, at least in the state of Alabama. And with this Saturday's upcoming "Saban Bowl," things are only going to amplify.

It's been awhile since Nick Saban graced the cover of a national magazine (a little over 2 months to be exact), so the folks at Gump4Heisman have decided to take things into our own hands and end the drought. So in honor of this week's SEC West Title showdown involving #3 LSU vs. #17 Alabama, I give you...

...more Nick Saban magazine covers.

Oh, and there's a language warning too. Fuck, I almost forgot about that.

(CLICK COVERS TO ENLARGE)


TIME. Nick Saban doesn't have any:

PLAYBOY. Saban-style:

U.S. News & World Report. Boringist magazine ever? Not this week:

Gump4Heisman Q&A with Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban

Gump4Heisman recently had the chance to sit down with Alabama head coach Nick Saban during his team's off week to chat with him about his team, his experience on the job so far and about the upcoming game against LSU. The entire interview is posted below...

G4H: OK, coach. First of all I just want to thank you f-

Nick Saban: Start.

G4H: Wait. What?

Nick Saban: Don’t thank me, aight. Start the fucking interview.

G4H: So your team won a big game last week. 41-17 over a big, big rival in Tennessee. That has got to feel good, doesn’t it?

Nick Saban: See we don’t worry about things like feeling good. You guys like to say things and write things, aight, but it ain’t always true. We don’t feel good, aight. Feeling good is for charity work, aight. And sex. Not football.

Do we like the fact that we’re 6-2 after Saturday? Yea. Are we happy with 6-2? No, aight. Fuck no. But we’re not gon’ feel good about anything. Aight, that’s you guys job. Y’know, when you go and write your little fluff pieces.

G4H: So you don’t take joy in a big win?

Nick Saban: I didn’t say that. Did I say that? There’s nothing more I like as a coach and as a leader of young men than to see our guys happy, like they were on Saturday, aight. But I’m not gon’ be happy about being 6-2. I been 6-2 lots of times. So what? Huh? Aight, you guys want to act like the sky is falling, aight, when we lose. And then you go and get all ahead of yourselves when we win. It’s my job, aight, as a coach to not let myself look at the results.

G4H: My hand is tired. Do all your answers take a paragraph?

Nick Saban: Fuck no.

G4H: Aight.

Nick Saban: What’d you say?

G4H: Um, 'Aight.'

Nick Saban: Don’t fucking say that, aight?

G4H: Aight, whatever you say.

Nick Saban: Don’t fucking say aight, aight? See, aight is my word, aight, and I don’t appreciate it, aight, when you guys are gon’ take my language, like when I say aight, aight, and mock me with it or use it, aight, just to use it. Aight?

G4H: Aight, aight.

Nick Saban: (staring)

G4H: I’m sorry. ‘OK, OK.’ Is that better?

Nick Saban: Eh, it’s aight.

Gump4Heisman Q&A with LSU Head Coach Les Miles (Part 2)

Gump4Heisman recently had the chance to sit down with LSU head coach Les Miles during his team's off week to chat with him about his team and the upcoming game against Alabama. For length purposes, the transcript has been broken up into two parts. The following is Part 2...

G4H: So coach, how is your week of practice going?

Les Miles: I tell ya. I like this week. Our week. This week doesn’t quit. It never quits.

G4H: What about on Sunday? At 11:59 P.M.?

Les Miles: This week. It has no quit.

G4H: Every week quits after Sunday.

Les Miles: Not this week. I’m on tell ya. This is a special week. We learned stuff this week. Stuff? You betcha.

G4H: … Ok. So let’s talk about this season. You guys are having a great year. 7-1. In position to play for the SEC title. In position to play for the National Title.

Les Miles: I tell ya. We had. This, uh, my, uh, we uh, this football team, uh, we, uh, this, uh, we know, uh, my football team. I tell ya. We Count 7. This football team. We want to count 8.

G4H: What do you mean ‘we count 7’?

Les Miles: Count 7? You betcha.

G4H: Count 7 what? Wins?

Les Miles: You betcha.

G4H: Why don’t you just say, I don’t know, uh, ‘We’re 7-1?’

Les Miles: We count 7. This football team.

G4H: So when you’re at a party and someone asks you how many kinds you have, do you say ‘We have three sons and a daughter’? Or would you say ‘We count 3 outties and 1 innie’?

Les Miles: You betcha. Let ‘er rip.

Gump4Heisman Q&A with LSU Head Coach Les Miles (Part 1)

Gump4Heisman recently had the chance to sit down with LSU head coach Les Miles during his team's off week to chat with him about his team and the upcoming game against Alabama. For length purposes, the transcript has been broken up into two parts. The following is Part 1...

G4H: First off, Coach Miles, just wanted to thank you for agreeing to do this chat.

Les Miles: Speaking. Uh, using verbs. Nouns. Uh, nouns that are said. Words. Words that go in sentences. Full sentences. Paragraphs? You betcha.

G4H: Uh, sure. Well what kind of speech are you giving your team this week and next? You know, how are you talking to the guys?

Les Miles: My football team? I tell ya. This football team. We’re speaking. Uh, with mouths. Talking. With voices. Uh, making sounds. Sentences fragments. This football team. Um.

G4H: Well. Let’s start by I guess asking you a little bit about this game. Obviously it’s a big rivalry game, and obviously with two weeks off to prepare, everyone is already excited. Can you talk a little bit about what it means, especially with you-know-who on the Alabama sidelines?

Les Miles: Um. My football team. We play. Against a. Ranked team. Uh, pizza. Ranked. Nationally. In their stadium. Pepperoni. Tough team. Short phrases. I tell ya. My football team. Delivery boy. Breadsticks? You betcha.

G4H: Breadsticks?

Les Miles: I tell ya. I’m proud. Of our breadsticks. I like these breadsticks. They’re my breadsticks. Good breadsticks. Uh, in our house. Eat them. In the living room. Dipping sauce. Sentence fragments. This football team. Napkins. Marinara.

Miles to critics of decision-making: “Bam-bam! Bam-bam! Bam-bam!”

Miles: “We will not back down from this bye week”

BATON ROUGE, La. (AP) –

Some may still be questioning Les Miles’ coaching. Some may still be questioning his sanity. Some may still be questioning what the fuck LSU AD Skip Bertman was thinking when he hired him.

But on Wednesday, the coach of the #3 team in the country fired back at critics who say he is merely a lucky dunce of destiny.

When asked to defend his puzzling decisions at the end of the LSU’s 30-24 win over Auburn, Miles fired back.

“Bam-bam! Bam-bam! Bam-bam!” he said, as he spoke into a Dasani water bottle.

Miles has complied a 29-5 record at LSU, despite reportedly drinking glue on a regular basis. He is the only coach in LSU history to record back-to-back 10-win seasons. Or to describe whole milk as “an excellent adhesive.”

And yet his critics would have you believe that it’s the abundance of talent he inherited – and not his coaching ability – that have led to such a gaudy record. Miles disagrees.

“Bam-bam! Bam-bam! Bam-bam!” said Miles, while trying to use a #2 eraser on his computer screen. “Bam-bam! My football team. Bam-bam!”

RANDOM NFL OBSERVATION OF THE WEEK: Titans QB Sage Rosenfels looks like Robocop

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Yes, you read that right. And no, you are not having an acid flashback. You are not dyslexic. You are not high on crack. You are not high on nuke. The entire point of this write-up is to compare Houstan Texans back-up QB and Robocop look-a-like Sage Rosenfels to, well, Robocop. So either quit reading now, or forever hold your peace.

So... yesterday afternoon, if you saw the Tennessee Titans-Houston Texans game on TV, you thought one thing: "Fuck. The Tennessee Titans-Houston Texans game is on TV."

And then, maybe, you thought another thing. Who the hell does that back-up QB remind me of? Well, if you're a movie guy, Gump4Heisman.com has your answer.

FOr a quick recap: if you didn't quit watching the game once the Texans lost starting QB Matt Schaub and fell behind 32-7, you missed out on a whale of a comeback. Back-up Texans QB Sage Rosenfels led them to a historic 29 4th quarter points. Quite frankly, he was a machine. Pun intended.

After a few early turnovers, he rebounded to throw for 290 yards and 4 TDs, including an amazing 53-yard hail mary TD to Andre Davis with :57 left in the 4th quarter. The TD pass completed a nearly 30-point 4th quarter in which the Texans recovered two straight onsides kicks and scored touchdowns on four-out-of-five possession to end the game. Then, in the final seconds, Rosenfels was upstaged as the Titans drove right down the field for Rob Bironas' game-winning, NFL-record 8th field goal.

In short, Rosenfels made NFL history. And along the way, he did something else. Looked just fucking like 1980s film icon Robocop.

Robocop?

Is it even possible to look like Robocop? What, like, in the chin?

Apparently so.

PICTURED: Robofels...(left) and Robocop (right).

LEFT: In case you are wondering what Rosenfels will look like in 2027, when there actually could be robocops.

MONDAY'S "Ask the College Football Monkey"

The monkey is back. And what a week to cover. Upsets, blowouts, retarded LSU coaches - there's so much to cover it seems like eight hand-picked questions just aren't enough. But that's all anyone had time for. Because "anyone" is on his lunch break and is in the mood for some Hamburger Heaven.

Without further ado...

...more monkey.

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Hey CFB monkey,

What do you make of South Florida’s shocking loss to Rutgers?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Yo monkey,

Does Georgia Tech beating Army help save Chan Gailey’s job?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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How about the 41-17 statement Alabama made over Tennessee on Saturday?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Tell me college football monkey, are you surprised to see Boston College at #2?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

Fulmer's arrival means big business for Tuscaloosa restaurants, food retailers

A GUMP4HEISMAN.COM SPECIAL REPORT
Thursday, October 17, 2007

Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

It’s a small-to-mid-size town, depending on your definition of "small," that features a thriving University life nestled in the middle of a laid-back southern town not unlike those you’d find in Georgia or North Carolina. And every Saturday, as is the case at any big-time football university, life-as-usual in this quaint West Alabama town is halted. Because, after all, the Crimson Tide is about to take center stage.

Every home-game Saturday in the fall, hundreds of thousands of people from all across the state and the Southeast flock to town to see the Crimson Tide and their 12 National Championships go to battle on the gridiron each week.

One of the biggest games every year is the annual “3rd Saturday in October,” the legendary rivalry between The University of Tennessee and The University of Alabama – the two most successful, tradition-rich programs in the long, proud history of southern football.

And so, for most fans, the Tennessee-Alabama game is seen as one of college football’s most storied rivalries.

But for many Tuscaloosa restaurateurs, it’s like biennial Christmas.

Because every two years, UT’s arrival marks one of the biggest business weekends of the year for the Tuscaloosa restaurant and food industry.

The reason?

When the Vols visit Tuscaloosa, they bring their 300-plus pound football coach with them. And the economic ramifications are enormous.

Bigger than Phillip Fulmer’s waistline?

“I wouldn’t go that far,” said local restaurant owner Phillip Weaver. “But in 2005 Buffalo Phil’s did $16,700 on Fulmer's take-out orders alone. And that was Friday, before they lost the game. After the loss, the word is Tuscaloosa’s Hagendaas sales spiked 800%.”

Nebraska "black shirts" make switch to pink spaghetti tank tops

LINCOLN, Ne. (AP) –

If the Nebraska defense is going to play like they have a vagina, they are now going to dress the part.

That’s the collective decision the Cornhuskers made Tuesday as they began practice – minus the legendary Nebraska “Blackshirts” that are traditionally worn by the defensive starters and a select few other players.

So, Nebraska fans, get ready for the “Pink Spaghetti Strap Tank Tops.”

Nebraska coaches and players announced today that the defense will make the switch instead to a pink spaghetti strap tank top, which is far more appropriate to the level of the defense’s play. Which is reminiscent of a whiny vagina.

“We are like a vagina,” said defensive coordinator Kevin Cosgrove, whose name is identical to Kevin Costner’s if you take out the ‘grove’ and replace it with ‘tner.’ “And I’m the leader. The alpha-puss. It all starts with me. And my whorish vagina of a defense.”