Gump For Heisman

AU, Tuberville hold non-existent meeting

Auburn residents report rare Tuberville sighting

AUBURN, Al. (AP) –

Auburn officials and head coach Tommy Tuberville held a Thursday afternoon meeting that never took place when both sides couldn’t agree on where not to hold the non-existent meeting.

The non-meeting apparently went quite well, with both sides disagreeing on nothing. At no point during the non-meeting did neither side raise their voice or grow angry, according to those in unattendance.

In any case, the meeting has grown to the level of urban myth in the town of Auburn.

The meeting, non-existent despite rumors to the contrary, was scheduled to have been a conference between Tuberville, Auburn Athletics Director Jay Jacobs and the Loch Ness Monster.

Among the items non-discussed were control within the athletic department, the contract situations of Tuberville and his assistants, facility upgrades for Auburn athletics, and whether or not drinking Coke while simultaneously eating Pop-Rocks would really make one’s stomach explode. (Something Terry Bowden promptly proved to be untrue.)

Still, as far as Auburn fans are concerned, the news that Tuberville had not agreed to an extension falls in direct contrast to the news that Tuberville had not not agreed to an extension.

Apparently, someone got their lines crossed.

A source said that what a source said yesterday was actually incorrect, said sources. The source of the disinformation? A source that, according to sources, hadn’t been resourceful enough in tracking down a source. Meaning that for Tuberville and Auburn, it was back to the source. Assuming that this source had his or her sources straighter than the first source, who apparently had them unstraight, according to sources.

Houston ‘Money Shot’ heading to Oxford

Coach takes new job in wife-swapping SEC West

OXFORD, Ms. (AP) –

Get ready, ladieth of Oxford.

Houston ‘Money Shot’ is coming to town.

Only hours after resigning under pressure as the head coach of the SEC West Arkansas Razorbacks, Nutt was announced via email as the head coach of the SEC West Ole Miss Rebels.

And in this swinging, wife-swapping division of the SEC, it’s business as usual.

Nutt, who in 2004 passed on the Nebraska job, has an overall record of 111-70, which was the exact final score of Nebraska’s last game under Bill Callahan.

Nutt’s hiring brings a new face to a program long mired in mediocrity. And lately sub-mediocrity. Or in other words, Orgerocrity.

Post-Thanksgiving "Ask the College Football Monkey"

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Now that everyone is back from a weekend full of driving, overeating, and awkward family interaction, it's time to settle back into work, turn down the volume, let go of your internal 'offended-meter,' and listen to the college football monkey answer all your college football questions.

College football monkey,

What do you make of Charlie Weis sort of calling out Jimmy Clausen, when he talked about the need him to bulk up this offseason?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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CFB,

Looking back, was it really that good of an idea for the Florida State defense to call out Tim Tebow?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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So monkey,
Phil Fulmer came out just before the Vols big win over Kentucky and said that he wants to win another national title before he steps down. Do you think he can do it?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

“Deep Thoughts” by Quentin Groves

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

If the earth is always spinning, how come I am not dizzy all the time? And when I am dizzy, does that mean the earth is spinning really fast? You know, to catch up. Because if you think about it, the earth probably goes out partying every now and then like the rest of us, and sleeps in. And then, you know, before the earth knows it, it’s three in the afternoon. The Earth is so lazy. Especially the Mexican part.

I never understood why people stereotype Sociology majors, but let Army majors off the hook. Especially when you think about how Army majors are all poor and lazy.

I wonder if quarterbacks get offended when people say not to be a Monday morning quarterback. Because hey, it’s only Monday morning. Are they supposed to have found a new job already? And if so, what is that job going to be? A bartender? And then, are people going to frown on them for being Monday morning bartenders? I sure hope so. Because people that drink on Monday mornings are alcoholics.

When I was a small boy, my uncle would come over to the house for Thanksgiving. One year, I asked him what turkey was made of. He told me to stick my hand up one and find out. So I took his advice. Looking back, I think he meant a dead turkey.

When I started playing football, people started treating me differently. People started inviting me places. At first it was great. Until we would actually get there. Because then those same people would run at me with helmets and try to knock me on the ground. People are mean.

Dyslexic Sugar Bowl officials extend bid to “9-2” Notre Dame

Fighting Irish mysteriously re-enter BCS poll at #11

SOUTH BEND, In. (AP) –

Notre Dame is back on the winning track.

And apparently, the Sugar Bowl committee has taken notice. By “accident.”

On Tuesday, officials representing the Sugar Bowl officially selected the downtrodden Fighting Irish as a BCS at-large participant in the Jan. 1st bowl game.

Yet there is a catch. And, as has been the case all year, it wasn’t made by a Notre Dame player. Rather the catch is that, at 2-9, the Irish are not bowl eligible. An oversight Sugar Bowl committee spokesman Knute Ruttiger-Ismael Smith was quick to explain.

“Dyslexia,” said Smith. “Straight up dyslexia. We all looked at their resume and said ‘Hmm, 9-2. 9-2 looks pretty good. Hey Johnson, come here. What does that record say to you? 9-2? Good. Come here Manly. What does that record say to you? 9-2? Well color me fuchsia. It does? Seriously? Because that’s what I’m getting. I like you Manly. A lot more than I like Johnson here. I don’t know what it is. Something about that name of yours. I like it. It reminds me of my first girlfriend. Ah, I had no trouble getting it up back then did I Johnson?’

‘Sir I didn’t know you then-’

‘Did I Johnson?’

‘No sir.’

‘Ah, I sure do miss those boners. 9-2 it is then.’”

It is customary for NCAA football teams to have to gain a minimum of six wins to become bowl eligible. Then again, it is also customary for NCAA football teams to join actual conferences, not have over-inflated network contracts, and not have head coaches with 87-lb. uber-pelvises.

ULMDKMSDMLAPCFMD celebrates first-ever win over Alabama

TUSCALOOSA, Al (AP) –

The final score read 21-14. The victor? Not who you might think.

The post-game scoreboards at Bryant-Denny Stadium all read ‘ULMDKMSDMLAPCFMD 21, Alabama 14.’ And any Tide fans looking for solace in a numerical snafu or clerical error would not find it.

But the same final score that marked a shocking low point to their season had also marked an undisputed high point for the University of Louisiana-Monroe Directional Middle School Kindergarten for Deaf-Mute Legless and Armless Permanently Constipated Fictional Midget-Dwarfs.

“I’m proud of our dwarfs,” said ULMDKMSDMLAPCFMD head coach Steve something. “They played their little constipated hearts out. And, in the end, they made the plays they needed to make to win. They deserve all the credit. There isn’t another group of limbless fictional midget-dwarfs in the world I’d rather coach.”

The biggest win in ULMDKMSDMLAPCFMD’s history came on a day when many of the Tide faithful had come expecting a warm-up contest leading up to the annual Iron Bowl showdown. Instead, they got their fifth overall loss of the season, their second loss to an out-of-conference team, and their first-ever loss to a Middle-School Kindergarten. For midgets. Without legs.

Friday's "Ask the College Football Monkey"

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

So the monkey is back and ready for the weekend. For most of us, that means a relaxing weekend of enjoying downtime mixed in with some boozing and some football. But for the College Football Monkey, that means a wild weekend of hard-core gambling, boozing, womanizing, and, likely, solicitation of a prostitute(s). Good thing he's agreed to sit down with us now, and answer another batch of ridiculous questions in his own ridiculous way.

So please excuse Gump4Heisman as we, well, get our monkey on.



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Hey Monkey,

What are your thoughts on Nick Saban getting his ass handed to him by the Miss St Bulldogs?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Hey monkey,

What did you think of those new black uniforms Georgia debuted in their 45-20 massacre of Auburn?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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So monkey,

Even after Ohio State’s loss to Illinois, isn’t it kind of unfair that people are counting them out of the national title race? They have one loss just like the other teams. Any chance their hopes are still alive?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

The 100th post: An Ode to Scott Boras

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Hey Scott Boras. Job well done. You are the man. Were you the kid in the neighborhood who had $5-dollars-a-cup lemonade sales? Hmm.

So, let's recap. Play-Rod comes out in 2007 and has a monster year that finally begins to silence a lot of his critics. His .314 average to go with 54 homers and 154 RBIs account for one of the best seasons ever.

Yay-Rod. For A-Rod.

Yay for you too, right? Hmm.

During the season, a few things leak. We learn that Lay-Rod has been high-fallutin' around town with the ladies. We also learn that his taste in women is quite the man-muscular butch type. (Gay-Rod?)

We also learn, again, that October is not his thing. (May-Rod.)

But, at the end of the season, the phenomenal year has made him not so bad. (Okay-Rod) He's made up a lot of ground with the fans. Still, we don't know what he will do. Will he resign with the Yankees? Will he test the market? How much will Pay-Rod make? $300 million? $350 million? $1,000 million?

Well we know he can't become one of those country, small-market guys (Hay-Rod).

Where will he go?

San Francisco? (Bay-Rod?)

Toronto? (Jay-Rod?)

L.A.? (Umm... L.A. ...Rod?)

The Pacman Jones Guide to Movies (and Gettin UNRATED wif Bitches)

By PACMAN JONES
Special to Gump4Heisman.com

Mother fuck.

It has been some shit of a long time since the Pacman learned all y’all blog-readin, no-pussy-gettin, jerk-off-blister-on-both-hands-havin’ asses how to be a motherfuckin’ man.

If my kid’s tuition serves me right, you Cusaks been smoking Virginia Slims, toting fuchsia carry-bags and watching ‘Notting Hill: Special Edition’ on DVD while you play spin-the-bottle wif dudes.

Have y’all man-sissies been worried? Shit. You know the Pacman ain’t leavin’ yo ass. Whenever you in doubt, just know this: the Pacman shall return. Just like General Douglas McDonald. When he done up and said “Fuck this smelly-rice Korea shit. I am going to start slangin’ cheeseburgers to fatty backs. In motherfuckin’ America.”

And the rest, as they say, is mystery.

Oh happy fuck. Today we is gon’ talk about an important shits in every man’s life. How to handle a situation that is bound to comes up when you gettin’ yo bitch on: watchin’ a flick, without ignorin’ yo dick.

What I means is, how to handle pickin’ out a movie wif a bitch, watchin a movie wif a bitch, how to make yo’ move, when to make yo’ move, and all the keys to gettin’ yo Michael Douglas on wif yo lil’ Sharon Stone.

Pacman, I’m on a date and I need help picking out a movie.

Well is you rentin’ or buyin?

Huh? But Pacman, these questions are supposed to be pre-scripted. I’m not supposed to be able to respond to a follow-up.

Man, these articles is like a reality TV show. Don’t nobody be believin’ this shit is real. They be knowin’ this shit is scripteder than a motherfucker.

‘Scripteder?’

Quit bein’ so motherfuckin’ Bryant Gumbelish and tell me: is you rentin’ or buyin?

OK, I’m renting.

Good. You ain’t supposed to be permanent-buyin’ nothin’ but food when you on a date with a bitch. Because all ‘bein on a date’ means is that you ain’t RegularFuckin™ yet. And as soon as you RegularFuckin™ a bitch, believe me, you gon’ be buyin’ plenty of shit. Shit like candles and decorative baskets and shit.

So rent all the shit you can for now. Rent a movie. Rent a car. Rent a room. Rent a midget. Hell, rent yo’ goddam meal if the restaurant’ll let ya. And tell ‘em you’ll be back to return it in three hours wif a roll of toilet paper and a day-old sports page.

Rent, rent, rent.

Who the fuck be payin’ for decorative baskets you ask?

Yo’ ass. When you RegularFuckin™ a bitch.

Pacman, what is RegularFuckin™?

RegularFuckin™ is a registered trademark of Pacman Jones.

Bitches have a word for it too. I believe it is called ‘relationship.’

But Pacman damn sure ain’t got no trademark on that shit. The bitches have had that one on lockdown ever since Eve pulled the ol’ Keep-a-Adam baby way back in, like, 1965.

Knoxville Fast-Food owners place ad in support of Fulmer

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Well, it seems Phillip Fulmer supporters are coming out of the woodworks these days.

Last Friday, a group of former Tennessee football players took out a full-page newspaper ad in the Knoxville paper supporting Fulmer. (<-- VIEW THIS ONE FIRST. And thanks to our friends over at loserwithsocks for the link)

Well on Monday, following the Volunteer's weekend win over the Razorbacks, Fulmer was the beneficiary of yet another public support advertisement, this one from an entirely different group of backers.

Gump4Heisman has, of course, tracked down Knoxville's latest Fulmer support ad. (<-- CLICK TO VIEW)