***MEMO TO TEXAS A&M***

Dear Texas A&M,

Hello!

I am the University of Alabama. How are you doing today?

Good? Well that’s swell. How is the ol’ football program doing?

What’s that? You’re siring someone today? Well that must be exciting! I bet it’s swell being a Knight.

Anyway, well listen, if you aren’t too busy dunking your head in the toilet, I’d like to take a moment to get something off my chest.

Ahem.

I am the University of Alabama.

I will steal head coaches from any institution I see fit. I will steal head coaches from the New York Giants. I will steal head coaches from the Miami Dolphins. And yes, I will steal head coaches from you.

When I feel like stealing one of your coaches, I will promptly do so. His record at Texas A&M will be 25-14-2. That is a 61% winning percentage.

Then I will steal him. And he will come to Alabama and go 232-46-9. That is an 81% winning percentage. He will win 14 SEC Championships. He will win 6 National Championships. Math is neat!

I am the University of Alabama.

What’s that? What do you mean you are sick of me sinning with your old football coach? Your mind is in the gutter Texas A&M. The gutter.

And later, when I feel like getting another one of your old football coaches, I will promptly do so. His record at Texas A&M will be 27-45-1. That is a 37% winning percentage.

I will get him. And he will come to Alabama and go 70-16-1. That is an 80% winning percentage. He will end the Miami Hurricanes dynasty. He will restore mine. He will win an SEC Championship. He will win a National Championship.

I am the University of Alabama.

Huh? What do you mean I bake good football coaches? Why would I do that?

What did you just say? It’s sleazier to win here? Well that was mean. You are mean.

And yes, I will steal your coaches as I see fit. Wait, what? I can go truck myself? Wow, that is uncalled for.

You want to know if you can do what? Steal one of my coaches? Well the answer is no. Truck no.

It does not work both ways. You cannot steal one of my football coaches. I steal coaches from other schools, not the other way around.

If you steal one of my football coaches, he will be 17-7 at Alabama. That is a 68% winning percentage. He will have coached Alabama to a 10-3 record.

Then he will go to Texas A&M. And he will go 4-8. He will lose to Oklahoma by 11 touchdowns. While he is losing – by 11 touchdowns – the Oklahoma band will play “Sweet Home Alabama.”

The next year, he will make it to a bowl game. He will lose by 31 points.

The next year he will have a losing record. He will lose to Iowa State by 4 touchdowns, and to Texas by 5-and-a-half touchdowns.

The next year, he will make it to a bowl game. He will lose by 35 points.

On November 3, 2007 he will lose to Oklahoma again. But this time by only 5-and-a-half touchdowns! Improvement is neat!

His record at Texas A&M will then be 31-27. That is a 53% winning percentage.

On November 5, 2007, you will begin discussions to fire him.

What’s that? Dharma is a bitch? Well that isn’t a very nice thing to say.

Anyway. By that time, Alabama will have found another coach. He will have a National Championship ring. He will have 2 SEC Championship rings. I will have stolen him from a storied NFL organization. He will come in, take a 6-7 team, and win 6 out of his first 8 games. He will come within 2 minutes of winning the SEC West without a defensive line. He will be in the middle of signing the #3 recruiting class in the nation. He will be my coach.

I did not need to bake him. Oh no. He came pre-cooked.

Because I am the University of Alabama.

And you are Texas A&M.

So don’t ever trucking steal one of my football coaches again.

Truckhead.

Yours truly,

The University of Alabama

P.S. What’s that? You need to steal a new coach now? Well, speaking of my new coach, I may know a guy who is terrified of him just enough to leave the state. Talk to him if you want.

Just don’t sire him too fast. He was doing a lot of sinning against us lately – when it was much, much sleazier to do so. But now we have a little Dharma of our own to settle. So at least wait a couple of weeks, and let us truck him up first.

Comments

[the general]

bravo

[Job]

'Bama stole BEAR from Texas A&M.

Funny how you ignored that.

[yo mom]

Bravo- I think he's referring to Bryant when he mentions stealing a coach from A and M ( "Then I will steal him") and he goes 232-46-9? He wins six tiles and countless conference championships. Unless I missed something, that guy is Coach Bryant and it is noted. It's right before he talks of Stallings-the one who ended Miami's dominance, et. Hope that helps!

[sooner nacho]

Hey intelligence, way to use your noggin. He referred to bear bryant all through that commentary. Funny how you are retarded and don't know that the 232-46-9 and 6 nat. titles are referring to the bear. Geez you're dumb.

[SoonerButch]

Brilliant, Roll Tide. I was rooting hard for you guys Saturday night. A&m is just a cult. they will always be the little sisters of the poor here in Texas. Kind of like OSU in Oklahoma!

[Tex117]

A simple laugh would have been fine. It captures the essence of the situation the best.

[what??]

you are alabama...

and??

besides being know for your racism you only have one sport, congrats!!

we win in all sports, you should try it sometime.

[Texaggie79]

Hey look someone is still pissed that we stole their coach. Yes, A&M can steal your coaches, we have money and clout now too.

[Alawho?]

"Nope....nope...never heard of Alabama. Is that even a state?"

[AggieFan]

Well done. I laughed : ) And lighten up aggies, we should be concentrating on getting a couple final shots in on fran's sloot daughter before she's gone.

[Wally]

Your obsession is duly noted. Get a life, bammer. Funny how you were sooo close to losing to UH in one of those 6 wins. It was nice to see ya choke away another against lswho last weekend. Perhaps you should add 'Auburn's bitch' to your moniker... War Damn Eagle! Gig 'em!

[GQTexasAggie]

I don't give Alabama a second thought EVER, but this guy writes an essay. Obsession noted.

Coach swapping aside, if you want to know how a real athletic department works call our AD.
A&M had the most conf titles in the Big 12 last year AND
Holiday Bowl
Sweet Sixteen(Men's bball)
2nd Round(Women's bball)
Women's College World Series(softball)
Men's Super Regionals(baseball)

[RollT.]

I'm an Alabama fan, but that was lame.

[irishtexan]

that's true, aggy. but 6 of your 7 conference championships came in women's sports. if only your football team, and entire men's athletic department, were as athletically inclined as the "lady" aggies.

[Aggie09]

Schools don't steal coaches. That's about as stupid as saying you can steal someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend. Coaches go where they want. Hope this helps.

[GQTexasAggie]

Irishtexan,

Scoreboard first of all.

Second of all I was talking about our successful athletic program which includes men AND women.

Thirdly, the MEN beat tu in football AND had a better bowl, and finished 2nd in the big 12 in MEN's basketball, AND the MEN won the conf title in baseball.
Men also went to the Sweet 16, did tu's team?

LOL at the faggot aZZ sippie

[GQTexasAggiesisgay]

GQTexasAggie is gay

[irishtexan]

congratulations on your one year of relative success against a Texas program that has otherwise owned you for the better part of the last decade, and last century.

texas owns you.
bama owns you.
texas tech owns you.
sooner owns you.
everyone owns your goofy, backward, delusional gomer asses.

[GUMP]

The moral of this comments board?

Don't mess with Texas!

P.S. Franchione has tits like a C-cup porn star.

[Hairy Scotsman]

I am astounded at why anyone who "never thinks about Alabama, ever" would a) find this page to start with, and b) respond to this well-crafted bit of slapstick as though their rebuttal were somehow to be taken seriously.

I mean, c'mon. Even if the comebacks weren't lame, the very fact of MAKING them IS lame. Sheesh. On a site like "Gump4Heisman" you expect DEBATE?

Evidently Jonathan Swift is not required reading at the li'l farming school in College Station. Either that, or "squeezing for the team" drains one of a sense of humor.

;^)

[FraudBgone]

Any school who's football team's cheerleader's are men should be beaten to death,that is all.

[GQTexasAggie]

This will be fun.

Fraudbgone - tu has male cheerleaders cheering their little hearts out right there next to the female ones on the sidelines just like everyother cookie cutter college out there. Way to NOT be different tu.

Hairy Scotsman - I don't care about Alabama and the only reason I found this site is because some homer, kind of like the author of the original message, went and posted a link on Texags.com to get a rise out of us. It IS a pretty lame site, I agree, but look at the number of sips here compared to Aggies, or Aggie I should say.
OH and the reason the corps guys were squeezing their nuts is b/c there was some sips walking by and didn't want their nuts grabbed by any queers, it was self defense :)

GUMP - and Mack has butter teeth and can't keep his players out of jail.
tu's honor system = 'yes your honor, no your honor'. LOL

IrishTexas - I noticed you couldn't discount anything I posted about last year. You had to pull out the time machine.
You and all your horn buddies are just liberal faggot tsipping hippie booers. Nothing delusional about that.

No one owns us, tu copies our traditions and lights their clock tower completely orange for titles and wins over A&M(tu does this for A&M ONLY). You also have an ad on utexas.edu saying tu alum need to be more like A&M alum in giving back to academics. I am NOT making this up, I can provide links to back ALL of what I just said. You guys have your heads up our asses.

[AgFan]

wow, what a bunch of whiners. Nice job GQ.

[GQTexasAggie]

{crickets chirping}

[THE AUTHOR.]

GQ Ag,

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