The 100th post: An Ode to Scott Boras

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Hey Scott Boras. Job well done. You are the man. Were you the kid in the neighborhood who had $5-dollars-a-cup lemonade sales? Hmm.

So, let's recap. Play-Rod comes out in 2007 and has a monster year that finally begins to silence a lot of his critics. His .314 average to go with 54 homers and 154 RBIs account for one of the best seasons ever.

Yay-Rod. For A-Rod.

Yay for you too, right? Hmm.

During the season, a few things leak. We learn that Lay-Rod has been high-fallutin' around town with the ladies. We also learn that his taste in women is quite the man-muscular butch type. (Gay-Rod?)

We also learn, again, that October is not his thing. (May-Rod.)

But, at the end of the season, the phenomenal year has made him not so bad. (Okay-Rod) He's made up a lot of ground with the fans. Still, we don't know what he will do. Will he resign with the Yankees? Will he test the market? How much will Pay-Rod make? $300 million? $350 million? $1,000 million?

Well we know he can't become one of those country, small-market guys (Hay-Rod).

Where will he go?

San Francisco? (Bay-Rod?)

Toronto? (Jay-Rod?)

L.A.? (Umm... L.A. ...Rod?)

Wherever he wanted to. After all, Scott Boras is his agent. And Scott Boras is the man. Or is he? Or are you, Scott Boras?

And so he opted out of the Yankees contract. Intrusively. And right before the last game of the World Series. (In-the-Way-Rod.)

He was going to get whatever he wanted.

The sky was the limit. (Up-Up-And-Away-Rod.)

You were going to market Play-Rod in all his statistical glory. You were going to make him the best. You were going to make him everything.

The greatest athlete ever (MJ-Rod.) The greatest fielder ever. (SayHey-Rod.) A guy who would keep on slugging into his 50's. (Grey-Rod.) A GQ fashion presence that would appeal to men and women alike (bebe-Rod). The most sure-fire bet ever (Parlay-Rod.) An "American-Idol” like phenomenon (Clay-Rod.) An Oscar-winning screen performer. (Fay-Rod.) A sporting-world explosion of "dynomite." (J.J.-Rod.) The path to enlightenment (Way-Rod.) And the greatest human specimen since Jesus. (Pray-Rod).

But no one bit. (Stay-Away-Rod).

You floundered your client out on the market, and no one responded. While he sat at home and watched soaps, (Day-Rod) his popularity dipped drastically. You kept trying to sell him. No one was buying. (SlowPlay-Rod)

You got him trashed in every publication/sports show in America.

Was he going to just remain quiet? (Say-Rod?)

You were losing him money by the barrels, and your big contract was falling apart.

Was he blind as to what was going on? (Ray-Rod?)

In the end, he came back to the Yankees. After he had to reimburse the portion of his salary - $21.3 million - that the Yankees had to pay the Rangers when he originally opted out of his contract.

And the Yankees negotiated things with him differently this time. (OurWay-Rod) Because this time, you weren't allowed in the room.

And so we're back to where we were. Full circle. Your client, it seems, is a Yankee.

What a waste of our time. And his money. But at least for Yankees fans, in the end, he wasn’t... Away-Rod.

But he was Less-Pay-Rod.

And he has you to thank.

Today, Mr. Boras, America, and all her Star and Bars, laugh at you. (O-Say-Rod)

You and your client.

Stay-Rod.

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(TOTALLY POINTLESS FOOTNOTE:)

100 posts. 100 posts of ridiculous, profane, dummy humor aimed laregly at the world of college football. 100 posts of witty SEC banter. Or, 100 posts of Bammer-related, pro-Saban garbage. Depending on how you look at it.

100 posts of fake AP stories, misleading write-ups, B- photoshop gags, Snoop impersonations, Sam impersonations, lame impersonations, and the like.

Stupid, hilarious, pointless, profane, random, sharp, inappropriate, mean, offensive, wacky, lame, tame, or whatever you think of it, Gump4Heisman has done it officially 100 times.

The topic matter?

Let's see.

19% College Football in general
14% Nick Saban-related
12% SEC in general
11% Michael Vick
6% Snoop Dogg
6% 'BAMA
6% MLB (including this one)
5% NBA
4% NFL
4% Pacman Jones
3% Fulmer-specific
3% Sam Jackson
3% Far Sides parodies

(NOTE: Did I wait until I got to 100 posts because it's a milestone? Or because I'm really lazy at math and it makes the percentages easy? All three.)

So, is anyone reading?

Well, at the time I write this, the Gump has had 248,139 hits. Which is an average of 2,481 hits per post. Not bad? Not good? I don't really know.

But thank to everyone who's contributed.

- G4H

Comments

[Double K]

Congrats on 100. Once again, you are not only entertaining, but are bucking the stereotype that Bama fans can only count to 12 (the number of your national titles in football).

K,

Thanks man. Linked the tale the other day, hope it helps.

P.S. Our fanbase has a stereotype?

[Moreno]

Keep on rockin, man. Enjoyin every minute of it.

[Irons]

Congratulations -- we're getting up there, too ... I feel old.

[Allen]

Great job G4H. Your posts are always hilarious, and I look forward to reading it daily.