EXCLUSIVE: FSU Computer-Essay Player Responses

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

So the big news finally broke Tuesday on the FSU campus. And the anxiously-awaited academic scandal appears even worse than expected. The discovery of these internet and computer courses, in which FSU players were allegedly graded loosely and even given answers, has resulted in up to 20 players being suspended for FSU's upcoming bowl game.

The following are UN-EDITED responses from the essay section of computerized exams answered by Florida State University football players:

WORLD HISTORY, ESSAY SECTION:

Place yourself in the following historical scenarios, and please relate how you would have personally gone about the task at hand.

It is 1492. You are King Ferdinand, King of Spain. You have just taken audience with ambitious voyager Christopher Columbus, who has presented his plans to explore the unknown seas and discover foreign lands. It is a time of growing national imperialism and economic competition between countries.

Using your knowledge of the event, how would you go about the task of reaching the foreign land in order to establish important Spanish trade routes and colonies?

Growing national imperialism? Damn. Remind me to kick Coach Amato in the dick. That high-pitched turkey-throat said this was an easy class.

OK, I tell you what I would do. First of all, fuck three wooden ships. I am not getting on no motherfuckin wooden ship. Who am I? Noah?

Noah ain’t.

Hahaha. I am hilarious. I am going to go ahead and call a A+ on this bitch.

Alright, so no balsa ships. Now we got to come up with a Plan 3. And even though none of us know why it’s common practice to skip Plan 2, my Plan 3 is pretty nasty. So, here is my take:

People talk about it all the time. They say ‘Oh, we should be closer than we are as countries and shit. I like you, you like me. Let’s make it easy to hook up and nation-fuck each other. I want to nation-fuck you. Let’s build a bridge.’

‘Let’s build a bridge, Let’s build a bridge.’ You hear everybody say that shit.

But do you ever see anyone do anything about it? No, they are just words. Not bridges. And you can’t build a bridge with words. Unless it was like a really long row of capital ‘I’s.’ And it looked like this: I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. And even then it would need a top row to walk on and shit. Unless you want to have motherfuckers hoppin’ alphabet columns and shit.

Speaking of I’s, I am a man of action. Not words. So I would take action.

I would be the first ruler to actually build that bridge.

A big ass bridge. And it would be longer than the string of drool from Coach Bowden’s chin. Hell, it would have to be. Does it sound impractical? Maybe. But so does a 5,000 mile Chinese motherfuckin stone fence. And I’m the King of Spain right? So I would get up on my throne and do what I want. If anyone talked shit, I would use my favorite Spanish speaking phrase.

No, not ‘More cheeps?’

I would say ‘Donde esta mi Iron Fist?'

And then I would say 'Right here motherfucker.’

And then I would Roy Jones that De La Hoya looking motherfucker back to the peasant-ass part of town.

So. We would start by getting all these Spanish-speaking dudes signed up under the table, and get their El-Bridge-O building asses to work. And does anyone here know a better laborer than a Spanish-speaking motherfucker?

We would build this illegal-immigrant bridge high as hell and tell some waves to kiss my Spanish ass. Because this ain’t no sand castle we’re building here, is it?

What’s the word I’m looking for in Spanish? Um, oh yeah… ‘No.’

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RESPONSE #2:

WORLD HISTORY, ESSAY SECTION:

Place yourself in the following historical scenarios, and please relate how you would have personally gone about the task at hand.

It is 1492. You are King Ferdinand, King of Spain. You have just taken audience with ambitious voyager Christopher Columbus, who has presented his plans to explore the unknown seas and discover foreign lands. It is a time of growing national imperialism and economic competition between countries.

Using your knowledge of the event, how would you go about the task of reaching the foreign land in order to establish important Spanish trade routes and colonies?

Hello.

Yes, I realize that is an unconventional way to answer the question.

But I ain’t trying to answer no question. I’m trying to ask one.

Do you want to get sheet-sweaty?

And better yet, do you want to get sheet-sweaty with me?

No, I am not talking to you professor. Gay-ass.

I am talking to you, miss hot-ass exam proctor. Where have you been all semester? Cause damn. I ain’t never seen you before. If I had seen you in class, I might have actually come to class.

Procta, procta, gimme the news. I got a… bad case of wantin’ to sweat on you.

You are sitting there in your thick-rimmed black glasses and I am like ‘Damn. I didn’t know I was into chicks with thicks.’ But I am into you procta.

That is the song I am singing to you. With my head. Because you are in there good miss procta.

You are not even the kind of girl I want to wine and dine. You are a girl I want to wine and grind. Yes, I would like to skip the ‘dine’ part.

Unless you are really hungry.

Because we can totally do something about that if you are hungry.

I want you to eat. I am not one of those guys who expects you to audition as an extra in ‘Schindler’s List 2.’ I am a sensitive guy. I will listen to you and kiss your love handles and go see gay-ass movies just because I know you want to.

I will go see a movie called “Legally Flourescent” with you. I will go see it twice. I will rent it for you. I will rewind it for you too, if VHS is your thing.

Because I want to be your thing procta. I want your things to be my things. I want to take the ‘y’ out of ‘your things.’ And I want my thing to touch your thing. And your thing to touch my thing. And after a little smoke break, my thing to touch your thing again.

I play football at Florida State. Do you know how many mini-tomahawk helmet stickers I have? Well, I will just say this procta.

They are not for sacking.

They are for facking.

Holler back.

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RESPONSE #3:

WORLD HISTORY, ESSAY SECTION:

Place yourself in the following historical scenarios, and please relate how you would have personally gone about the task at hand.

It is 1492. You are King Ferdinand, King of Spain. You have just taken audience with ambitious voyager Christopher Columbus, who has presented his plans to explore the unknown seas and discover foreign lands. It is a time of growing national imperialism and economic competition between countries.

Using your knowledge of the event, how would you go about the task of reaching the foreign land in order to establish important Spanish trade routes and colonies?

Wait.

Wait.

Fuck the rest of the question. I stopped at the first goddam sentence.

What do you mean it is 1492? Are you sure? It has got to be at least 2004 by now. Damn. I guess you are the test. And I can’t never figure you fuckers out. You sumbitches are damn sure smarter than me.

It is really 1492? Let me read that again…

‘1492.’

Yep. Well holy shit. That totally fucks my plans up. I am not supposed to graduate until goddam 2009. That is like… 100 years away. Or, wait. Hold on a minute, and let me use my hand real quick.

500 years away?

What the shit.

There is no way I can take 499 more years of this hell.

Hell I was dreadin’ the next year-and-a-half. Much less takin’ a bunch of 100 Years War classes in motherfuckin’ real-time.

This is straight up bullshit. I was already going to feel like a slack ass for telling people I was a 5th year senior. But now I gotta be telling folks I’m a motherfuckin’ 5th century senior?

Shoot, I won’t even be able to live that long. Not unless I quit partyin’ like a fucking spikey-haired rock star. Which I do not fucking see myself doin’ any time for the next three or four centuries minimum.

And, wait, I didn’t come around until fuckin’ 1986. So technically, I ain’t even born yet. How in the fuck do you expect me to be learning hundreds of years of shit as a motherfuckin fetus? Or if you want to go back even further, as a man-sperm?

What is my dorm room? A puddle of semen?

What am I supposed to do?

Wiggle my ass to fucking study hall?

Ask my dad’s nutsac for a ride to class?

This is just fuckin unreasonable. Sperm students? Oh yea, well I quit.

Jerkoffs.