GUMP4HEISMAN EXCLUSIVE: Rich Rod's REAL WVU Contract Demands

ANN ARBOR, Mi. (AP) –

Apparently, Rich Rodriguez is none too pleased about West Virginia’s failure to follow through on his contract demands.

And, in light of WVU’s lawsuit against their former coach, he’s chosen to take his case to the media by releasing an itemized list of everything he claims his former employer promised him but failed to deliver.

Rodriguez is refusing to pay the $4 million dollar buyout he agreed upon last year due to West Virginia’s alleged failure to deliver the promises they made him.

In the official list Rodriguez released to the media, the improvements WVU failed to make include:

RICH RODRIGUEZ'S LIST OF DEMANDS:

- Installment of a new candy machine. With fucking SNICKERS bars. SNICKERS, Ok? Not gay-ass vanilla wafers. Fucking wafers?? What the fuck. What am I, building a fucking gum drop house? Am I in 2nd fucking grade? Did I name my balls Hansel and Gretel? No. I want a vanilla wafer about as much as I want my driveway paved in dog shit.

- A new hair salon located on the athletic premises. Which you failed to build. Have you seen my wife’s fucking haircut? Fuck. What am I, married to Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice? You should see her vagina. When she’s naked, it looks like she’s permanently sitting on a fucking Pomeranian. OK? Her vagina looks like Tina Turner in quicksand. OK? Fuck.

- A red carpet. That starts at my fucking driveway. And ends at my fucking office door. I mean it. And I want it to pave every fucking possible pathway. If I take a shortcut? Red carpet. If I take the scenic route? Red carpet. If I decide to stop at the mistresses’ for a little A.M. fuck-start? Red carpet. If I decide to stop at your house and upperdeck your chimney? Red carpet. OK? Red carpet. Red carpet. Red carpet.

- An out with Isotoner. Do I look like the fucking mascot for Isotoner? Huh? Am I Dan fucking Marino? No. Fuck Dan Marino. Dan Marino can kiss my tits. OK? If the glove don’t fit, eat my shit. Do I look like OJ? Huh? Do I look like fucking Nordberg? No. I have never killed anyone. But I’ll tell you a secret. You tight-ass non-spending donkey punchers make me want to kill someone. Yes, you make me want to commit the fuck out of a murder. So why don’t you Drebens do some police work, find me a duffel bag full of money, and stop me from making a Ron Goldman out of the entire athletic department.

- A life-size statue of Liono. What? Huh? Is this one random? Yes. Is it a misprint? Shit no. You read that right. I want a fucking big-ass statue. Of fucking Liono. From the fucking Thundercats. In my fucking office. By next week. Fucking next week. OK? Why? Because Liono is badass. You know who else is badass? Me. Yes, that’s right. 20 years ago I used to watch Thundercats. You know what else I used to do 20 years ago? Get a lot of pussy. And I can’t do either anymore. So get me a fucking Liono statue. Either that, or hire me an I-like-to-fuck stripper.

- Where are the hotties? Do I look like the kind of guy who wants to stand around on a sideline looking at dicks all day? Fuck that. There’s enough dick in the goddam locker room. So when I get out in the stands… where’s the pussy? There’s no pussy in the stands here. What the fuck. What am I supposed to tell recruits when they visit? ‘Hey, any of you guys into smoking cock? Yea? Well check out the pole collection in section D over there. Wow.’ Fuck that. Go out and find me some tits. Any tits. Fake tits. Real tits. Blow-up-doll tits. I don’t care. Just find ‘em. It’s not sexist. It’s smartsist. Guys, especially football players, like tits. So where are my fucking tits you boobs?

- A WVU bidet in my office. Listen here you blue-collar fucks. I don’t wipe asses, capiche? I don’t wipe baby asses, and I sure as fuck don’t wipe grown-men asses. Including my own. I want a bidet. A West Virginia Mountaineers bidet. Now. I want gentle steams of supple water to tickle my asshole clean. Got it? Does that gross you out? Then you’re a fucking pussy. How about I take a shit on your desk, huh, and then wipe my ass with your wife?

- A multi-million dollar gym. For me. Fuck my players. This is my gym. It should be located right next to my office and should be surrounded with painted murals of me slaying wild mythological creatures with my bare fucking hands. So that way, when I am bench-pressing a lion, I can look up and go ‘Hey, who is that badass slaying a giant Minotaur with a golden crossbow? Oh wait, that is me. Wow. I am a badass.’ How am I supposed to sculpt my Rich Bod? Huh? How am I supposed to look like a sexy badass if I can’t mold this Rich Bod into sleek-oiled awesomeness? I have a saying I like to use: ‘Wins come first. Pecs come next.’ Alright? That is my saying. I have been using it for years. Ok, whatever. Yea, I made that shit up off the top of my head. Just build me a fucking gym.

- The $20 dollars I loaned that fat booster in New Orleans. Hey fat-for-brains, did you enjoy those $9 Hurricanes I bought your obese ass at Pat O’s? I bet so. After you downed them, you were hitting on a fucking pack of Marlboro Lights. Drunk sloppy bastard. Do I look like a Maury? Huh? Do I look like the wig guy in Goodfellas? No. Pay me my fucking money.

- A new motherfucking jacket. I am sick of this bomber jacket bullshit. ‘Oh, hey, a poof-Browning jacket, Thanks.’ What am I, 1991? Should I get a fucking flattop haircut to match? Where are my fucking Reebok Pumps? Pricks. I look like a fucktarded puffy dipshit in this thing. You like this look? Huh? You like this look? Well throw a fucking headset on the Michelin man.

- A new fucking nickname. Rich Rod? Give me a fucking break. Since when are coaches nicknames supposed to sound like a fucking porn name for Richie Rich? Why can’t I get something like “The Bear?” That is a hard-ass nickname. I want a nickname that makes me sound like a hardass. Not the ultimate goal for a fucking homosexual gold-digger.

My name is Ricardo Motherfucking Rodriguez. I made this program. I make the rules.

You? Well you just make it happen. Or else.

Oh, and I’m giving myself a new nickname. Starting now.

Yours truly,

Rich “The Sexy Mandibles of Death” Rodriguez

Comments

[Double K]

Hell yeah! And have a Liono statue made for me too, Mandibles of Death.

[sc-wvu4ever]

OMG - ROFLMAO...I love the new nickname