Gump For Heisman

JoePa's response to an Aggie Cheerleader

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Below is Joe Paterno's un-cut, un-edited response to the Texas A&M cheerleader who, on Thursday night at a recent pep-rally, told a crowd of Aggie supporters that Paterno was "on his death bed" and "someone needs to find him a casket."

WARNING: This is not your father's Joe Paterno.

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Hey buddy,

What are you trying to say? What, that I’m old? That old people die? That old people die sooner than young people?

Well build me a ship there Christopher Columbus. You’re a fucking revolutionary.

That’s a pretty innovative and radical life theory you got there. Where did you learn it?

Did you graduate from the School of Obvious Shit? Well I’m sending out an S.O.S. on that ass, bitch. Because I will fucking sink that little gay ass Aggie Battleship of yours quicker than you can say “don’t fuck with JoePa.”

What are you, 12?

Congratulations. Here’s your free meal at O-Charlie’s. Fucklick.

Oh, by the way, in case you haven’t met me, I’m Joe Fucking Paterno. I've gone undefeated more times than you've jerked off.

What, you think I've turned cold? I’m 81 and I still breathe hot sex. Do I have trouble getting my dick up? Fuck no. I have trouble getting my dick down. Because lil’ JoePa has a mind of his own. A crazy-ass, out-of-motherfucking-control mind. And I love it.

That’s right nancy-boy. I put the “living” in “living legend.”

And you’re right. I do need a fucking casket. But not for me motherfucker. For you. And your dead-ass, lame-ass football program.

Who do you mistake me for? Bobby Bowden?

My fourth nut is more coherent than Bobby Bowden. That guy couldn't coach in Dynasty Mode. But Bobby Bowden senile is still better than Coach Fran in his prime.

Coach Fran? That guy couldn't coach a game of RBI Baseball.

I am Joe Paterno. If I wanted to, I could coach football on Saturday afternoons and bang strippers on Saturday nights. Hell, I could bang strippers on Saturday mornings if I wanted to. I then I would show up to games with stripper-glitter on my face, and lipstick on my belt and look at the referees and be like "What? What? I'm fucking Joe Paterno."

GUMP4HEISMAN EXCLUSIVE: Rich Rod's REAL WVU Contract Demands

ANN ARBOR, Mi. (AP) –

Apparently, Rich Rodriguez is none too pleased about West Virginia’s failure to follow through on his contract demands.

And, in light of WVU’s lawsuit against their former coach, he’s chosen to take his case to the media by releasing an itemized list of everything he claims his former employer promised him but failed to deliver.

Rodriguez is refusing to pay the $4 million dollar buyout he agreed upon last year due to West Virginia’s alleged failure to deliver the promises they made him.

In the official list Rodriguez released to the media, the improvements WVU failed to make include:

RICH RODRIGUEZ'S LIST OF DEMANDS:

- Installment of a new candy machine. With fucking SNICKERS bars. SNICKERS, Ok? Not gay-ass vanilla wafers. Fucking wafers?? What the fuck. What am I, building a fucking gum drop house? Am I in 2nd fucking grade? Did I name my balls Hansel and Gretel? No. I want a vanilla wafer about as much as I want my driveway paved in dog shit.

- A new hair salon located on the athletic premises. Which you failed to build. Have you seen my wife’s fucking haircut? Fuck. What am I, married to Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice? You should see her vagina. When she’s naked, it looks like she’s permanently sitting on a fucking Pomeranian. OK? Her vagina looks like Tina Turner in quicksand. OK? Fuck.

- A red carpet. That starts at my fucking driveway. And ends at my fucking office door. I mean it. And I want it to pave every fucking possible pathway. If I take a shortcut? Red carpet. If I take the scenic route? Red carpet. If I decide to stop at the mistresses’ for a little A.M. fuck-start? Red carpet. If I decide to stop at your house and upperdeck your chimney? Red carpet. OK? Red carpet. Red carpet. Red carpet.

- An out with Isotoner. Do I look like the fucking mascot for Isotoner? Huh? Am I Dan fucking Marino? No. Fuck Dan Marino. Dan Marino can kiss my tits. OK? If the glove don’t fit, eat my shit. Do I look like OJ? Huh? Do I look like fucking Nordberg? No. I have never killed anyone. But I’ll tell you a secret. You tight-ass non-spending donkey punchers make me want to kill someone. Yes, you make me want to commit the fuck out of a murder. So why don’t you Drebens do some police work, find me a duffel bag full of money, and stop me from making a Ron Goldman out of the entire athletic department.

Post-Holiday "Ask the College Football Monkey"

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

So the monkey has been enjoying the holiday season, and the nice lull in between football season and the start of actual, real bowl games.

It's been a nice, leisurely break. But now it's back to the grind of courseness, foulness and profanity.

And remember, Gump4Heisman is the #1 site on the internet for foul-mouthed, monkey-based college football inappropriateness!

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What did you think of Cincinnati's win over Southern Miss in last Saturday’s PapaJohn’s.com bowl?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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So Dirty little Monkey,
Are you excited about the bowl season starting or maybe a little depressed that it's almost over?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Hey monkey,

Writing you on Christmas Eve. What’d you think of the exciting 41-38 ECU win over Boise St. in the Sheraton Bowl last night? Merry Christmas shit-for-brains.

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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So monkey, I must know.

How is a family Christmas at the College Football Monkey household?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Who do you think is the biggest winner of the year in all these coaching hires, you dirty fucking monkey?

P.S. Lose the glasses dipshit.

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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So monkey,

Does 8-4 Michigan really deserve to be in the Capital One Bowl?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

Jerry Bowden's letter to WVU

Or: How My Brother Came To Be & Why He Deserves Another Shot at Fantastic Awesomeness

By JERRY BOWDEN

I still remember the first thing my brother Terry ever said to me.

We were just kids. And we were playing on the playground and doing things that kids do. You know, like playing dodgeball, and building forts and talking about how good of a head football coach my brother Terry would be in the year 2008.

And my brother, he turned and said to me, “Hey Jerry, this is Terry. You know what I want to be when I grow up and the year is 2008?”

And I turned and said to my brother, “Hey Terry, this is Jerry. No I am not familiar with that subject. What do you want to be?”

And he said, “Hey Jerry, this is Terry. I like cookies.”

Which was a strange thing to say, being as how it didn’t relate to 2008 or his coaching or his pre-pubescent awesomeness. But I think I know what he meant that day. He was trying to tell me that he liked cookies. And that he would like cookies even more if he were the head coach of West Virginia in 2008 and he could have cookies at his desk while he coached.

I am writing you, University of West Virginia, to tell you that my brother Terry should your head coach. He is available starting in about 15-20 minutes or as long as it takes me to finish writing this letter. That is not because he is writing the letter of course (Silly! His name is Terry. My name is Jerry!). It is because he is in a meeting with another big-time school who really, really wants him to be their next head coach.

What is the name of the school?

Uh, Super Badass University.

It is called that because it is super badass. Do you want Terry to take the job at SBU? I did not think so.

My brother and I have always been close. Like all brothers are. Unless they hate each other.

Sometimes brothers fight because one brother gets more attention than the other brother, or because one brother has a bigger room than the other brother, or because one brother seduces the other brother’s girlfriend with Taaka vodka and donkey-punches her in the hairdo.

But not me and Terry. We were always close. With us, it didn’t matter who had the bigger room or who donkey-punched the other’s girlfriend. We were brothers. Terry and Jerry. Kind of like Tom and Jerry. Only one of us is not named Tom. We are real. Both of us. Especially me, Jerry Bowden.

Roger Clemen’s ass denies taking steroids

NEW YORK, Ny. (AP) –

In light of Roger Clemens’ limited responses regarding his implication in baseball’s Mitchell report, a source even closer to his alleged steroid use has come forward.

The source?

Roger Clemens’ ass.

Clemens’ ass spoke publicly for the first time Wednesday, when it issued a recorded statement to the media.

"I want to state clearly and without qualification: Fffftt. I did not take steroids, human growth hormone or any other banned substances at any time, Fffftt, in my baseball career or, in fact, my entire life," said Clemens’ ass. “Fffftt.”

Clemens’ ass would have been the source for any ass-centered injections, making it an obvious source of information. And excrement.

Clemens’ ass, through a prepared statement recorded at his agency, Alliance Sports Syndicated, assailed against the report, asserting assuredly that he did not assent with Mitchell’s assay, assuring it was merely an assemblage of assembly-line assaults.

EXCLUSIVE: FSU Computer-Essay Player Responses

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

So the big news finally broke Tuesday on the FSU campus. And the anxiously-awaited academic scandal appears even worse than expected. The discovery of these internet and computer courses, in which FSU players were allegedly graded loosely and even given answers, has resulted in up to 20 players being suspended for FSU's upcoming bowl game.

The following are UN-EDITED responses from the essay section of computerized exams answered by Florida State University football players:

WORLD HISTORY, ESSAY SECTION:

Place yourself in the following historical scenarios, and please relate how you would have personally gone about the task at hand.

It is 1492. You are King Ferdinand, King of Spain. You have just taken audience with ambitious voyager Christopher Columbus, who has presented his plans to explore the unknown seas and discover foreign lands. It is a time of growing national imperialism and economic competition between countries.

Using your knowledge of the event, how would you go about the task of reaching the foreign land in order to establish important Spanish trade routes and colonies?

Growing national imperialism? Damn. Remind me to kick Coach Amato in the dick. That high-pitched turkey-throat said this was an easy class.

OK, I tell you what I would do. First of all, fuck three wooden ships. I am not getting on no motherfuckin wooden ship. Who am I? Noah?

Noah ain’t.

Hahaha. I am hilarious. I am going to go ahead and call a A+ on this bitch.

Alright, so no balsa ships. Now we got to come up with a Plan 3. And even though none of us know why it’s common practice to skip Plan 2, my Plan 3 is pretty nasty. So, here is my take:

People talk about it all the time. They say ‘Oh, we should be closer than we are as countries and shit. I like you, you like me. Let’s make it easy to hook up and nation-fuck each other. I want to nation-fuck you. Let’s build a bridge.’

‘Let’s build a bridge, Let’s build a bridge.’ You hear everybody say that shit.

But do you ever see anyone do anything about it? No, they are just words. Not bridges. And you can’t build a bridge with words. Unless it was like a really long row of capital ‘I’s.’ And it looked like this: I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. And even then it would need a top row to walk on and shit. Unless you want to have motherfuckers hoppin’ alphabet columns and shit.

Saban the real culprit in Petrino fiasco

by Dan Le Batard’s Vagina





SPECIAL TO GUMP4HEISMAN.COM


It didn’t take long for Nick Saban to strike again. And apparently, ruining one NFL franchise wasn’t enough.

On Tuesday, the world gathered to watch in shock and horror as the events of the day transpired. Mothers called daughters to make sure they were safe. Fathers had talks with sons about how the world is a cruel and dangerous place. Families huddled around television sets and cried. The world wondered whether things would ever return to normal or if the events of Tuesday had left it a permanently scarred place. The world had forever been changed.

A football coach had left the NFL for college.

His name? Bobby Petrino.

But he wasn’t the real assailant here. Oh no. On Tuesday, the real assailant sat on a jet plane from Tuscaloosa, AL to an unknown recruiting destination, secure in his devilish $4 million salary, stroking a pet cat, and leering down at the world below.

There was no way to know on Tuesday what the man's intentions on that plane were. There was no way to know that, only hours later, the entire country would be in shock. There was no way for America to know that such a villainous and evil man could pass through our society without so much as a glance.

His name? Nick Saban.

A Florida Gator's Letter to Tim Tebow

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Tim,

Hey Tim. What is up bro.

I know you don't know me and all, but I want you to think of me as your bro.

Do you mind if I call you Tebro?

Cool man. You might recognize me. I watch all your games on TV. Maybe you're seen me. I'm about 6'2" with black hair and a mustache, and I'm usually sitting in my leather recliner with my #15 Gators jersey.

No? That’s cool.

First off, Tebro, I have to clear a few things up. I am the manliest dude ever. I am so manly that not only do I piss standing up, I shit standing up. I'm so manly that when I work out, my cheeks don't turn red. They turn camouflage. If there was a book called The Big Book of Motherfucking Manliness, they would ask me to write the first three chapters. With my balls.

That is how manly I am Tebro.

There is another thing I want you to know about me Tebro. I am the biggest Florida Gator in the universe. Or better yet, the Tebowverse. I do the Gator Chomp when I'm driving to work. I do the Gator Chomp when I'm I operating heavy machinery. I do the Gator Chomp when I'm masturbating. I do the Gator Chomp when I'm sweaty-fuckin. And I sweaty-fuck a lot Tebro. Because that's how manly I am.

But despite my badass manlyism, there are things that I notice. Things that I notice about you Tebro. Things like your chiseled jaw and your Perfect 10 biceps. The way you smile when they ask you questions about things. Things like touchdowns, and Heisman trophies, and rainbows.

And when you are on the TV, I can’t help but stop everything I am doing and admire you. Do you know how many dinners I have burned looking into your eyes? A shitload. A shit shitload.

You are the number one cause of premature macaroni-and-cheese death in the state of Florida. But no side dish could ever come before you Tebro.

Sometimes I put the TiBo on pause, and just appreciate your wholesome Tebowness in its HD glory.

Bro. Don’t get weirded out bro. Because, bro, I am not a homosexual. I wouldn’t even say I have a man crush on you.

It is more of a manfatuation.

I am manfatuated with you Tim Tebow.

AUDIO: Flight of the Conchords to play Super Bowl XLII?

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Ah, the tightly-enforced National Football League and the hip, dope-friendly, anti-establishment music industry.

Few unions seems quite as forced and unnatural as this one. But, every year when the Super Bowl comes around, we get to see this experiment flounder in a little spectacle called the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Just last week the news broke that Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers are playing Super Bowl XLII.

But will they be alone?

Not according to rumors that began breaking late Sunday night.

Rumors that placed New Zealand's hottest comedy folk duo, Flight of the Conchords, at the center of the Super Bowl XLII musical extravaganza. The duo - consisting of Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement - have seen their popularity skyrocket since signing on for their own HBO television series. Headed by manager Murray Hewitt, Flight of the Conchords appears to be headed for the big time.

And now, the big show.


In the following audio clip released to media outlets late Sunday night, Hewitt and the band seem to be doing just, well, Super.

"Flight of the Conchords MP3? ... Present."

Next Friday's "Ask the College Football Monkey"

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Monkey, monkey, monkey. Yes, that's right, the College Football Monkey is back by popular demand. And this Friday, he was in an even more offensive mood than usual, using poor taste and even poorer language. So to get all your profane kicks in... read on.

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Hey monkey,

So, what do you make of Alabama’s season as a whole?
- Russell in Birmingham

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Hey dumb monkey,

It’s the hot button question of the year that almost everyone's pissed about. So do you have an opinion of the BCS?

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...

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Monkey,

With at least five other teams having a legit claim at #2, do you think this year’s championship game is as exciting as it has been in years past?

Jason from Georgia

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MONKEY SAYS...