Or: How My Brother Came To Be & Why He Deserves Another Shot at Fantastic Awesomeness
By JERRY BOWDEN
I still remember the first thing my brother Terry ever said to me.
We were just kids. And we were playing on the playground and doing things that kids do. You know, like playing dodgeball, and building forts and talking about how good of a head football coach my brother Terry would be in the year 2008.
And my brother, he turned and said to me, “Hey Jerry, this is Terry. You know what I want to be when I grow up and the year is 2008?”
And I turned and said to my brother, “Hey Terry, this is Jerry. No I am not familiar with that subject. What do you want to be?”
And he said, “Hey Jerry, this is Terry. I like cookies.”
Which was a strange thing to say, being as how it didn’t relate to 2008 or his coaching or his pre-pubescent awesomeness. But I think I know what he meant that day. He was trying to tell me that he liked cookies. And that he would like cookies even more if he were the head coach of West Virginia in 2008 and he could have cookies at his desk while he coached.
I am writing you, University of West Virginia, to tell you that my brother Terry should your head coach. He is available starting in about 15-20 minutes or as long as it takes me to finish writing this letter. That is not because he is writing the letter of course (Silly! His name is Terry. My name is Jerry!). It is because he is in a meeting with another big-time school who really, really wants him to be their next head coach.
What is the name of the school?
Uh, Super Badass University.
It is called that because it is super badass. Do you want Terry to take the job at SBU? I did not think so.
My brother and I have always been close. Like all brothers are. Unless they hate each other.
Sometimes brothers fight because one brother gets more attention than the other brother, or because one brother has a bigger room than the other brother, or because one brother seduces the other brother’s girlfriend with Taaka vodka and donkey-punches her in the hairdo.
But not me and Terry. We were always close. With us, it didn’t matter who had the bigger room or who donkey-punched the other’s girlfriend. We were brothers. Terry and Jerry. Kind of like Tom and Jerry. Only one of us is not named Tom. We are real. Both of us. Especially me, Jerry Bowden.
Here is a picture of me and Terry and a group of friends at a picnic. Can you tell which one I am? I bet so. My brother Terry is on the front row, far right. I am right above him. We always sat next to each other in every picture. Do you see how happy he looks? He was always happy. That is what I remember about ol’ Terry. Oh boy. Ol’ Terry. I am not sure why he dressed like that that day.
Just so you can see how close we were, check out Terry and Jerry’s photo album. You will see many great pictures along the way:
THE JERRY-AND-TERRY PHOTO ALBUM:
Here is a baby picture of me and Terry. (I am on the right.)
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Us a few years later at Halloween. (Terry is the clown).
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Me, Jeff, and Terry. (From left to right)
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Me and Terry front row as teens. (We had no trouble making kick-ass friends)
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Even though we went to different colleges, me and Terry always talked on the phone. (I couldn’t think of nothing to put in parentheses on this one.)
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Terry and me after college, in our 2-man band. (Our band was called TEJERRY.)
It wasn’t long after the break-up of TEJERRY that Terry decided being a kick-ass, bad-ass, hairy-armed lead guitarist wasn’t for him. TEJERRY had hit the scene and hit the scene fast. We would wear all blue jean attire and rock sold-out audiences and go backstage and please girls with our penises. Sometimes, Terry would not even wear any pants on stage. Instead, he would just cover up his privates with his guitar and jam. And then he would play the guitar with his teeth. And the ladies would go wild.
We were badasses.
We were legends.
We were TEJERRY.
But like all great bands, TEJERRY wasn’t meant to last.
On a fateful night in 1977, with TEJERRY at the peak of it’s fame, we gang-banged a van full of immigrant groupies. And then went to see the movie Star Wars. And everything changed. After the movie, Terry told me he had felt his calling, and that he too had to fulfill his destiny and take after his father. Our father.
I asked him if it was the movie that had made him realize this. It was then that he told me something I’ll never forget. He told me he didn’t even pay attention to the movie and that as soon as he saw a queer golden robot he thought ‘this movie is fucking gay’ and that he used the rest of the two hours to not look at the screen and to think about how he should be a coach.
And so, the next day, TEJERRY was no more. Our fans were devastated. Even though most of them were illegal Mexican immigrants and could not understand our lyrics, they no longer had our genius to keep them occupied at dinnertime. They would have to find a new two-man band to play the Mexican restaurant El Ted’s.
We had risen to the 3rd-most requested two-man brother rock band on the southern West Virginia Mexican restaurant circuit. Right behind legendary pioneers Pepe and Lepe. Our songs “Hey Jerry, Hey Terry,” “This Mustache is made for Rockin (And so is this ‘Do)” “Mucho Fuck Yeah!” and “It’s Half-Off Margarita Night, Oh Yeah!” had made us legends. Our album, Lookin’ for Mi AmiHo had replaced peppermints as the second most grabbed post-dinner El Ted’s complimentary item. Right behind toothpicks.
We were stars. We were legends.
But Terry had a calling to answer.
He would become a coach.
And boy, would he?
Yes he would. I did not mean to put a question mark there. He would become a coach.
Soon after becoming a coach, he became a coach on my father’s staff at Florida State. And it wasn’t before long that he decided to take his coaching to the next level. To Samford.
And from there to Auburn.
And from there to being fired.
And from there to the TEJERRY 1999 Reunion Tour. (Here I am with a fan after the Reunion show, when I have had a little too much to drink.) NOTE: There have been rumors that this is my brother Terry Bowden. This is not my brother Terry Bowden. This is me.
Jerry Bowden.
After the '99 TEJERRY Reunion Tour - called "TERRY + JERRY = Oh Yeah!!!" - my brother Terry Bowden went to the ABC Halftime Show.
And from there he went right here. Where he needs to be named the next head coach at the University of West Virginia. Or West Virginia University. Whatever. Just give him a job.
Unless you want to wake up after Christmas and read a headline that says "Terry Bowden named 34th-and-a-half head coach at SBU."
P.S. Please do not contact me, Jerry Bowden about any assistant positions if you decide to hire my brother Terry Bowden. I am dedicated to music. And starting up my new band JELARRY with my good friend Larry Mutton. I am a music man. I have no interest whatsoever in coaching football.
P.S.S. If you do not hire my brother Terry Bowden, then I - Jerry Bowden - would be willing to interview for an assistant position.
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