Saban the real culprit in Petrino fiasco

by Dan Le Batard’s Vagina





SPECIAL TO GUMP4HEISMAN.COM


It didn’t take long for Nick Saban to strike again. And apparently, ruining one NFL franchise wasn’t enough.

On Tuesday, the world gathered to watch in shock and horror as the events of the day transpired. Mothers called daughters to make sure they were safe. Fathers had talks with sons about how the world is a cruel and dangerous place. Families huddled around television sets and cried. The world wondered whether things would ever return to normal or if the events of Tuesday had left it a permanently scarred place. The world had forever been changed.

A football coach had left the NFL for college.

His name? Bobby Petrino.

But he wasn’t the real assailant here. Oh no. On Tuesday, the real assailant sat on a jet plane from Tuscaloosa, AL to an unknown recruiting destination, secure in his devilish $4 million salary, stroking a pet cat, and leering down at the world below.

There was no way to know on Tuesday what the man's intentions on that plane were. There was no way to know that, only hours later, the entire country would be in shock. There was no way for America to know that such a villainous and evil man could pass through our society without so much as a glance.

His name? Nick Saban.

Eleven months ago this man betrayed an NFL organization. And NFL organization that this vagina covered, and still covers. And he set a precedent that Bobby Petrino was powerless to deny.

As the terror of Tuesday began to set in, millions of Americans cried out in disgust and looked for somewhere to point the finger. Their scapegoat? Bobby Petrino.

Of course, he is the one who left an NFL job midseason, a day after assuring owner Arthur Blank that he had no intentions of leaving. But is he really to blame for his own actions? Hardly.

Who then, is at blame in this disaster?

The man who left the Miami Dolphins after telling the media face-to-face he would not.

The man who left the Miami Dolphins after telling the team face-to-face that he would.

The man who left the Miami Dolphins after telling the owner face-to-face that he would.

The man who referenced 9-11 in relation to something as insignificant as football. Which I’ve spent my entire life covering. With my vagina. Or, with myself I should say. Since I am a vagina.

The man who, without class or decency, referenced a thing of pure and historic evil in order to denounce something related to the sport of football.

Football coach Nick ‘Satan.’

It was Nick ‘Satan’ who gave Petrino a way out, by leaving the Dolphins and making it ‘OK’ to do so. It was Nick ‘Satan’ who started it. It was Nick 'Satan' who likely called up Petrino, gave an evil laugh and advised him to go for it. It was Nick ‘Satan’ who had so easily vilified the press over the past year.

How dare you vilify us, Nick Satan. How dare you.

So why was it not enough for Nick ‘Satan’ to leave the crumbled wake of one NFL franchise in the dust? Why did he have to attack the second franchise? Why did it take longer for the second franchise to crumble, given the severity of Nick ‘Satan’s’ attack?

We will not know, until we have more time to sort out this tragedy. And more time to write articles about it. And more time to bash it on televisions shows.

In the name of my fellow journalistic pussies, I will do something new.

I will break the existing pattern for vaginas everywhere. I will not merely sit here and get fucked. I will not sit here and bleed. Oh no. I am going to do something about it. Because something around here smells fishy. I’m going to get to the bottom. Which, judging by the looks of things, is not far away at all.

So if you think you’re going to get away with it, Nick Satan, I got news for you pal.

You picked the wrong time of the month.

Comments

[rooster]

Go shove a tampon up your vagina and stfu.

[Captain Obvious]

Satire my early-rising friend. Satire.

[Rock]

Talk about obsession! I guess Saban is responsible for global warming also.

[Offinya]

It's sarcasm, Rooster, now go throw a brick through Saban's window.

[Dan Le Batard]

My name is Dan Le Batard and I LOVE NICK SABAN!!!!! I can't stop thinking about him. He left our shitty Miami Dolphins to be apart of a GREAT college and its tradition. He is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake up. I LOVE YOU NICK!!!! ROLL TIDE ROLL

[divinmule]

Actually this was pretty funny. Nice job. Roll Tide

[Rooster's Mangina]

Sorry, I am full of sand today.

Sincerely,

rooster's mangina

[Eric]

Rooster, I'm sure there is some sort of medical procedure we can arrange to have that sand removed. Oh, it must be awfully painful. Poor mangina.

[Stephen Moreno]

Good one. Another column full of belly laughs.