Gump For Heisman

Tom Brady’s letter to Plaxico Burress

Earlier this week, the New York Giants’ Plaxico Burress issued a guarantee that the Giants would win the Super Bowl by a score of 23-17, and thus limit the Patriots's record-setting offense to an unprecedented season-low of 17 points.

Below? Tom Brady's response....

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Dear Plaxico,

Hey man. It’s Tom. No worries.

You don’t need my last name. Hell, I don’t need my last name. I’m just Tom. I’m the Tom. It’s my name now. All other Toms should probably change their names. To Diet Tom.

Heard you made a Super Bowl prediction. 23-17. That’s cool. No worries.

But… 17 points.

17 points?

Um. Okay.

What’s your prediction for the other three quarters?

Really. What is it? I think it should be somewhere between 74 and the Declaration of Independence.

Do you not think I can hang up 1776? That’s cool. No worries. I’m down with a challenge. You’re entitled to your opinion. Like everyone. That’s your right. No worries. If you don’t think I can, you don’t think I can. You may be right.

You’re not right. Not at all. Not at none. Not at anything.

I can Plaxy. I can. And I will. I will drop 1776 on you. And I will light up the sky with fireworks. No worries.

The British are coming Plaxy. The British are coming. And this time, they’re in full pads. And this time, they’re in blue. And this time they’re Americans.

The Americans are coming Plaxy. The Americans are coming.

Rich Rodriguez's Letter to West Virginia

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Dear West Virgina,

Why?

Why do you expect me to pay the full payout?  Why, West Virgina?  Because I agreed to? Shit, West Virgina. Shit.

Did you notice that West Virgina?

Did you notice how I took out the last ‘I’ in Virginia to make your name sound like a feminine body part that males often use to describe a lack of male-iness in other males?

Huh? Did you notice?

Did you notice how fucking clever I am? The Oklahoma Pooners. See? I can even do it for other schools too. The Syracuse Pink. The Illinois Fighting Va-JJ. The Virginia Tech MassiveSmellyPussyBoys. The Oregon State Beavers.

I have massive intellect. I have intellect the size of my balls. And my balls are huge. Just like my wife’s credit limit. And her perm. And her balls.

Speaking of balls, have you seen the size of my chin? It is fucking massive. I am manly as shit. I can turn anything into a vagina. When I stand next to an actual vagina, it becomes even more of a vagina. Next to me, Bruce Campbell looks like a fucking raisin-chin. Most people take uppercuts on the chin. I can dish them out with my chin. And I will upper-chin-cut the fuck out of you West Virgina.

"Deep Thoughts" - Super Bowl Edition

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

I think ‘The Super Bowl’ is a good name for a football game. But then it’s followed with a bunch of dumb stuff like ‘XXXI’ or ‘VIIIL.’ I think they should name Super Bowls like they name natural disasters. Then people could be like ‘What are your plans for Super Bowl Raquel?’ or ‘Can you believe we made it to Super Bowl Nathaniel?’

And boy, wouldn’t it be great if the Redskins won Super Bowl Runs With Horses?

Sometimes I watch the kids in my neighborhood practice football in their yards. They always pretend like they’re thrown into the last few seconds of the Super Bowl. Then they toss a touchdown pass and go wild celebrating. What I always wonder is, how do they know what was the score before that? What if it was 47-0? Because then it’s like ‘Congratulations. You lost by 40. Stop celebrating.’

I think it’s funny how some guys try to look tough by watching the Super Bowl shirtless. Because what if there’s a stripper somewhere watching the game on TV thinking ‘Big deal.’

I remember the Super Bowl when my father said he hoped someone would break Joe Theisman’s leg. Once it actually happened, he laughed and laughed and laughed. We all expected mother to fuss at him, but she didn’t. Probably because she felt guilty for having an affair with Joe Theisman.

Whenever people discuss past Super Bowls, they always ask me what my favorite memory is. I usually tell them it’s probably the time I went over to Sally Wesson’s house after school, broke into her parent’s liquor cabinet, played guitar for her, and lost my virginity. So far, no one in a Super Bowl has done anything to top that.

Sliced bread, meet Eli Manning

EDITORIAL  OPINION
By Ty Pickel

Special to Gump4Heisman.com

Eli Manning is the greatest quarterback ever. For now.

Yes. That is my assessment. And yes, it is drastically different from my January 3rd column titled “Eli Manning is the worst quarterback ever.” And my January 2nd back-to-back columns titled “Eli Manning is Ryan Leaf with a better last name,” and “Eli Manning juggles warm donkey balls.”

I have received a bunch of emails this week telling me to apologize to Eli, or to admit I was wrong, or to add more inches onto my “schlong” to “make my lassie moan with lust and passion.”

What I don’t get is, what does my penis size have to do with my critique of Eli Manning? Huh? That is sort of ridiculous. If everyone who criticized Eli Manning the past four years is hung like a tic-tac, then there are a lot of unsatisfied New York women with impeccable breath.

I got news for you, email-writers. You are all wrong. I do not need to apologize. I was right. And I don’t even have a lassie. And if I did, I certainly wouldn’t insert my penis into it. Why would I want to insert my penis into a longhaired collie? That is sick. You are sick. Sick, and wrong.

You see, all you supporters of Eli Manning and beastiality, I wasn’t wrong. I was right. Eli is a huge bust. Until now. Because now, he’s not a huge bust. Because now he isn’t playing like a huge bust. And so I’m right. Because I’m saying Eli isn’t a huge bust.

I was right all along. Because when Eli was a huge bust, I said ‘Wow. What a huge bust.’ And now since Eli is not a huge bust, I’m saying ‘Wow. Eli is not a huge bust.’ You see?

It was never personal.

So let’s not focus on my January 2nd press release “Eli Manning being related to his brother is a sin against the Almighty God our Lord God.”

Or my January 3rd editorial titled “Eli Manning is terrible and should be raped by boulders.”

AUDIO: Snoop Dogg defends Randy Moss

Gump4Heisman.com

(AP) -

A day after Patriots Coach Bill Belichick came out and publicly supported Randy Moss, the Patriots star WR received some more public support. From an unlikely candidate.

Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg.

On Saturday night, Snoop Dogg, whose real name is Calvin Broadus, appeared on an uncensored XM Hip-hop Radio station and issued the following statement of support for Moss, a personal friend. The audio clip contains language that is not appropriate for children.

In the 4-minute plus unedited broadcast, Broadus claims that Rachelle Washington (pictured) - the woman who earlier this week publicly accused Moss of physical assault and battery - is merely filing her claim to get at Moss's money.

Be warned, as the rapper pulls no punches.



:LANGUAGE WARNING:

CLICK TO LISTEN, CUZ.

BREAKING NEWS: Gottfried out-coached by ham sandwich

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. (AP) –

Mark Gottfried is no stranger to being out-coached.

However, at Friday’s luncheon, the embattled Alabama basketball coach was outmaneuvered yet again. This time, by pre-packaged sandwich meat.

The Friday morning luncheon, held Thursday night, took place Wednesday afternoon in front of a packed room of media members. And food service employees. And ham sandwiches.

And it resulted in arguably the most embarrassing moment of Gottfried’s career.

But the moment began innocently enough.

As members of the media ate lunch, Gottfried spoke to them about the disappointment surrounding the UA Men’s current season.

After the media finished eating, Gottfried stepped down from the podium with the microphone in hand. Reading from a prepared statement written by former Alabama assistant T.R. Dunn, Gottfried spoke about the qualities necessary to coach a team at the championship level.

After the speech, journalists began with the planned question session. With members of the media circled around him, Gottfried remarked that he was not using this luncheon to answer questions, and joked that he had to return to his seat to claim his untouched ham sandwich.

However, with Gottfried unable to break through the press, a food server – in charge of clean-up and unaware of what was being said – tossed Gottfried’s uneaten plate into a trash bin. The result caused uproarious laughter among members of the media, especially when one AP reporter – ahem – loudly proclaimed that Gottfried had been “out-coached” by the ham sandwich.

“It was hilarious,” said local journalist Marcus Charnetski. “When (me) said that. I was just sitting there taking notes and (me)… man, I laughed my (expletive deleted) off when (me) said that. I can’t believe (me) had the balls to say that. What were (me) thinking? Are (me) (expletive deleted) crazy? I’m pretty sure Gottfried isn’t ever going to grant (me) an interview ever again. Anyway, that was some funny (expletive deleted). Ah, good stuff. (expletive italicized) Fuck it. That sandwich tasted like my grandma’s balls. Let’s grab some City Café.”

Applewhite leaves ‘Bama; accepts new asst. position

AUSTIN, Tx. (AP) –

Major Applewhite is going home.

To where it all started.

Austin, Texas.

On Thursday, Applewhite was officially introduced. As the new Assistant Manager. Of the Sonic. On S. Lamar Blvd.

“We are pleased to introduce Major Applewhite as the new assistant manager of the Sonic on South Lamar Blvd,” said Sonic head manager Christopher Simms. “We feel he is a great red-headed young man and an excellent addition to our staff, and we are pleased he’s come back home where he belongs to join the Austin, Texas family. Our new cheesecake bites are the tits.”

While the move was celebrated in Austin, it came as a surprise to many in the state of Alabama, as Applewhite left a University of Alabama coaching staff on which he had a superior title and position.

“Is it weird to leave a co-coordinator position at a prominent SEC school to accept an assistant manager position at a fast-food restaurant?” said college football analyst Ivan Fordestreet. “Yea, it is. Wow. Now that I think about it, that’s actually really fucking weird. That’s weirder than people who eat Krystal’s sober. That’s weirder than Michael Jackson on acid. That’s weirder than someone trying to parallel-park a rake.”

AUDIO: Snoop Dogg defends Randy Moss

Gump4Heisman.com

(AP) -

A day after Patriots Coach Bill Belichick came out and publicly supported Randy Moss, the Patriots star WR received some more public support. From an unlikely candidate.

Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg.

On Saturday night, Snoop Dogg, whose real name is Calvin Broadus, appeared on an uncensored XM Hip-hop Radio station and issued the following statement of support for Moss, a personal friend. The audio clip contains language that is not appropriate for children.

In the 4-minute plus unedited broadcast, Broadus claims that Rachelle Washington (pictured) - the woman who earlier this week publicly accused Moss of physical assault and battery - is merely filing her claim to get at Moss's money.

Be warned, as the rapper pulls no punches.



:LANGUAGE WARNING:

CLICK TO LISTEN, CUZ.

OPINION: Pete Carroll to become the next Pete Carroll? Balls shitting asses.

SPECIAL COMMENTARY

By Jacob McCrary

EDITOR’S NOTE: McCrary suffers from a rare, untreated (and unedited) disease of Journalistic Tourettes Syndrome. JTS. You have been warned.


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Cock. Dick. Cock.

Pete Carroll and the Trojans have been down this road before. Dirty balls. In vaginas.

And as Pete Carroll contemplates yet another lucrative offer from an NFL franchise, Pete Carroll should be reminded of all the successful college coaches who have tried at stab at the NFL and failed. Steve Spurrier. Nick Saban. Pete Carroll. Dildos in asses.

And Pete Carroll should be well aware of the clearest example of college brilliance translating to NFL futility. Himself. Piss and shit on strippers.

So, Coach Carroll, some advice:

As yourself looks at himself in the mirror, ask yourself: 'Do I really want to become the next myself?’ And listen to himself. Himself has been there before. In the NFL. And himself has failed. And been fired. Twice. Does yourself really want to go through what himself has been through himself? Ask yourself.

Asses ass-fucking asses.

COMMENTARY: On LSU's whuppin' of silver-pantsed Yankees

By Jerry Bo Cuttingsworth
SPECIAL TO GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

THISCLAIMER: This ain’t no proper wordsmithing. OK? I ain’t trying to win no Noel Prize. Cause Christmas is over. Alright? Like the Buckeyes’ chances of ever growing pubic curls. And proper English can lick on my sister’s balls. Because I am from Alabama. And it’s Rammer Jammer. Not Grammar Jammer.

So I decided to write me an article to holler my opinion of this here last night’s fisticuffs involvin’ our gumbo-cookin’ neighbors and those goddam silver-pantsed Yankees. And I couldn’t get it published on no reputable site. So I got it up on here. (What the hell is this place anyway? I reckon there’s more normal shit written on bathroom stalls in crazy-brain asylums.)

Alas, I digest. Back to my point. The SEC is king.

Take the LSU Tigercats. I ain’t seen a more lopsided ass whoopin’ since my brother Larry Bo Cuttingsworth beat the everlivin’ hell out of my brother Gary Bo Cuttingsworth. And I tell ya, it happened just the same way.

Gary Bo, see he had been the one we had to send into the city for goods. Everday goods. Cornmeal. Milk. Medicine. Tallywacker sleeves. (My poppa already had 5 wild-ass sons and a daughter. He damn sure didn’t want no more.)

Anyways, Gary Bo had done got him this big head from whuppin’ up on sissy city boys who would give him a hard time for going into the city without no shoes. Or pants. And Gary Bo would just set down his sack of city goods, and beat the mess outta all them slick-talkin’ boys. With his tallywacker hangin’ out and all.