SEC Coaches Recruiting Breakdowns (Part 1)

GUMP4HEISMAN.com

Another signing day has come and gone. There were winners. There were losers. There were duffel bags. Full of money. And tractor keys.

Yes, yesterday every coach got to do his Nick Nolte Blue Chips best and sign the best 25 guys he could get his booste- eh, hands on. So this week, we take an unedited look at what every SEC coach had to say about his class when the microphones were, eh, turned off.

Today we'll go through the SEC's 12th-7th ranked classes. And tomorrow, we'll examine classes #6-1.

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Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt  (Rivals.com final ranking: tied – 89th)

Oh come on. 89th? Balls. How did we end up 89th? Oh yea, I forgot. We’re the only good school in this fucking conference. We have to sign smart kids. That’s fucking great. Sidenote to God: Why can’t smart kids play football? Huh? Why don’t you try whipping up a couple of brainiacs with 4.4 40’s? Here’s an idea: a kid who not only understands Sir Isaac Newton’s Law of Gravity, but fucking masters it. I.E. Nerd with a 40” vertical. I want super nerds. I want a nerd who jumps over other nerds in live-action games of checkers, OK?

We’re tied with New Mexico, Colorado State, Florida International, SMU, and Ohio. What is that? Auburn’s non-conference schedule? We couldn’t out-recruit fucking FIU? Holy shit. 89th. That puts us roughly behind Cameron Diaz on Justin Timberlake’s “Best Lays of 2007 List.” Fucking great.

Rich Brooks, Kentucky (Rivals.com final ranking: 57th)

Yea. Hi. 57th. Well, a whole lot of good that Top 10 ranking did us this year huh? We were fucking 54th last year. So let me get this straight: take a shit football program, beat the National Champs, earn a Top 10 ranking, beat Florida State in a bowl game, and win 8 games. And then, fall three spots in recruiting. What in the name of Adolph Rupp is going on? Fuck this. And fuck Jon Voight. Yea, that’s right. I saw that shitty Disney movie where Jon Voight tries to pull off the Rupp. Fuck him and fuck that. Yea, OK, so I’m pissed off. It’s not his fault. Whatever. Angelina Jolie is a fat-lipped road-whore.

Oh boy, I sure hope we win 9 games this year. Because I just can’t wait to get my hands on a fucking 60th ranked recruiting class. C’mon people. I’m at fucking Kentucky. Help me out here. Does anybody know if Patrick Patterson has a good arm?

Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State (Rivals.com final ranking: 45th)

Okay, I’m going to try to keep this clean. Our recruiting class sucks. Sure, yesterday I got up to the podium and said all this stuff like ‘la la la’ and ‘bla bla bla’ and ‘fine young men.’ And they are, they are fine young men. Fine young men who are part of a sucky bad recruiting class. We had our best season since 2000 this year. Since 2000. In 2000, the Spice Girls were still hanging on. The Spice Girls. The only Spice Girl still doing anything worthwhile is bending over for Beckham. Capiche? I went 8-5. At Mississippi State. I beat Alabama. I beat Auburn. Hell, I even beat UAB. I owned the state of Alabama so thoroughly, I could’ve leased it to Mexicans.

You know what? Fuck keeping it clean. We lost to motherfucking Southern Miss in recruiting. They just fired their fucking coach. And they got a five-star? For real? Southern Miss is signing five-stars? How? Is there some kind of five-star bait trap I’m unaware of? Well give me one. Might as well give me a token five-star too. I’m the fucking Lando Calrissian of this conference.

Bobby Petrino, Arkansas (Rivals.com final ranking: 37th)

Hell I’ll take it. I’ll take anything. So long as I never have to see a fucking red square-shaped Falcon the rest of my goddam life. I mean it. Fuck that bird. That bird looks like a fucking Navajo hose nozzle. Gah. What an awful place. I would rather work at Domino’s than coach the Falcons. I would rather be a street whore than coach the Falcons. I would rather be a street whore who works at Domino’s than coach the Falcons.

I love this class. You know what I love most about it? No pet murderers. None. Not fucking one. You know what my recruiting sessions were like? I’d walk in and say ‘I don’t care about speed, I don’t care about agility. Just tell me the sonabitch doesn’t fucking electrocute puppies.’ That’s all I need to hear. No one is this class electrocutes puppies do they? Because if you do, you’re next. I mean it. I will electrocute your ass and I will take another job. No? No puppy electrocutionists? Hell, I love this class already.

Phil Fulmer, Tennessee (Rivals.com final ranking: 36th)

Uh, what the hell happened? Seriously. What the hell happened? No, not to my recruiting class. To my Hot Pocket. What the hell happened to the Hot Pocket I was just eating? Seriously. Where in the name of Jim Fucking Gaffigan is my goddam ham and cheese Hot Pocket? Ok, there. Oh. Oh Hell yes. That is some good cheese-filled shit. Now. What the fuck is up with this class? Seriously?

I signed the #3 class in the country last year. Next thing you know, people want to fire me, my assistants start dropping like big-tittied teenagers in horror movies, and I sign a class that couldn’t impress a dim-witted 6-year old. Where the hell did all our top players go? Alabama? Fuck that. I’m calling the NCAA. Hello? Hello? What do you mean ‘evidence’? Fuck. I’ll find something. Hell, I’ll make up something. Don’t think I won’t bammers. I’m watching. I’ll put a damn camera in Nick Saban’s hyperbolic chamber. No joke. I will GPS your ass Nick Saban. I will put a camera in your dashboard. You hear me talking here Van der Sloot? You are going down. Damn. This is one hell of a Hot Pocket y’all.

Houston Nutt, Ole Miss (Rivals.com final ranking: 24th)

Well hell. Top 25 ain’t too bad now is it? I’ll take it. Pig Sooo- er, Totty. Damn. Aw, Pig Totty! Hotty Sooooie! Who gives a shit. Hell, I can’t keep these damn redneck yells straight. What are they for anyway? Sounds like some Civil War cavalry shit. ‘Pig Sooooie!’ sounds like something a redneck yells at his sister before he porks her. Seriously. Wasn’t that in Deliverance?

Whatever. How’d you like that Enrique Davis shit I pulled? Getting a 5-star RB to switch from Auburn. That was smooth wasn’t it? ‘The next McFadden.’ I’m good. Hell we all know that ain’t true. The next McFadden is McFadden. Hell, the last McFadden is McFadden. But these folks in Oxford are fine. Literally. They are hot as shit. I want to bone like 75% of them. Even the guys here are kinda hot. And I’m straighter than Elvis. Hell, the plants here are hot. Sometimes I walk outside and think ‘Hmm, I’d do that tree.’ Is that weird? Fuck it. Hotty Toddy.

Comments

[Ghost of Neyland]

OK, I'm laughing. Hard. But I'm not sure I ever feel dirtier after having read a blog. High comedy, but, man oh man.

[Anon]

LMAO. as per usual.

Man, you have as much wit, range of knowledge, and comedic talent as any comedian I have ever read or heard. (Trouble is, I don't get out much).

Put another way, I think you have O Wildes' wit, D Miller's range of sub-references, and South Park's sense of decorum. But, hopefully, the filth factor and shock effect are a short-term comedic crutch.

... Sorry, piety message now ending. (g)

Keep writing. You are an amazing talent.

- Anon

PS> I always give out the NYT's fake email address.

I have nothing to do with the NYT, I just give out their email address to every web site I visit. I figure it'll give'm the opportunity to research an expose on spam email one day.

[Chris]

Funny stuff. I can only imagine the havoc that Nutt could cause at the Grove, now. I remember hearing the theory that, if you take an average early to mid-twenties guy, rendered him unconscious and left him at the Grove, he'd think he had died and gone to heaven. Never been, but I've seen Georgia, Alabama, and Auburn girls, and they're not ugly. Makes me wonder just how good these Ole Miss folks must look. Hotty Toddy, Nutt. Hotty Toddy.

[tom]

hilarious...the other comments on here are too in depth..

[Landou Griffin]

Hillarious

[Huntley]

Dude, you wrote this like you have just gotten off a naval ship after 8 months at sail. Or better yet, a disgruntled vietnam war vet who just got a divorce and hates everything about life. I agree that that was hilarious...if the meaning of hilarious is, "Anything retarded and classless." At no point in your rambling, incoherent article were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

[Billy Madison]

Dude, I wrote that like I write everything on this blog. With a keyboard. Don't get all worked up over how I portray football coaches. Do something productive. It's tax season. Go do your taxes.

This blog is what it is. I don't make any promises. It is foul, offensive, off-beat, and it makes people laugh. Sometimes. If something here offends you, then that is its intention. I find it thrilling to me personally that someone of such pristine sensitivity and noble taste would choose to describe that article as "classless," then immediately choose to follow suit with "retarded."

This, all of this, is purely for entertainment. Something you, with your well-developed sense of humor, could surely understand. I see you can quote movies. I can quote movies too.

So sir, I ask you: You took the time to not only read, but to respond...

"Are you not entertained?"

[Veronica Vaughn]

Oh, and thanks to all on the compliments. Much appreciated.

[Offinya]

Landou,
Get a grip. This fucking shit is god damn motherfucking funny as hell. Offended now, asshole?

[Thegoallinestalker]

People need to get a grip and not take this so seriously. This is just for laughs.
But I want to know is what was the College Football Monkey's opinion on the SEC's bowl Performance is and especially the the two BCS games the SEC played in.