Gump For Heisman

"Phil Fulmer is Tough on Crime," by Phil Fulmer

by Phil Fulmer*
Special to GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

* - "Tough on crime!" says the WASHINGTON POST**

** - Quote not actually attributed to WASHINGTON POST***

*** - Quote actually attributed to Phil Fulmer's best friend Charlie****

**** - Phil Fulmer's non-existent best friend Charlie

Hey y’all. This is Phil.

Oh boy. So your old buddy Phil is in some trouble. For real y’all.

I am so serious y’all. I am serious about turning these kids around. I am a man of principle. I am a man of values. I am a man of charac- Ooh, can I have a bite of that cheeseburger? No, not you. Not you either. No, not you dickhead. You. With the cheeseburger. I see you there, reading this article and munching on that cheeseburger. Just put ‘er up to the screen and let ol’ Phil take a nibble. Hell, at least wipe some grease on the monitor so I can give it three licks and get to the center of a I’m-hungry-as-shit.

For real y’all.

What is it with a UT jersey that turns kids into fucking Lex Luthor? For real. When I sign these kids, they’re Clark Kents. I swear. I’m talking Iowa-farmboy shit. Good kids. I drop them off at church in blue blazers and ties and give them sweet tea inside of living rooms. Then about a week later, they get to campus. And all of a sudden they’re doing blow off a stripper’s shoulder blade and throwing grenades at cop cars.

What gives? I mean, for real y’all.

Did I tell you guys about how I am tough on crime? I am the SEC's Robocop. I am the SEC's Arnold-Schwarzenegger-in-Kindergarten-Cop. Which reminds me: it's not a tumor. Those two huge lumps on my chest are called man tits, OK? Mits.

I am tough on crime. I am the SEC’s McGruff. The Crime Dog. You know what, I think from now on, Tennessee should change their mascot to McGruff. Forget Smokey. At least, until things settle down.

Smokey isn’t tough enough on crime. Maybe I will put McGruff in charge of the team. That way, my players will know that not only do they have to answer to Phil “Dirty Harry” Fulmer, they have to answer to McGruff. And if you break a rule, he will take a bite out that scholarship motherfucker. For real y’all.

Tom Luginbill’s Master Rankings: 2008 Edition

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Editor's Note: The following is a promotional piece written by ESPN recruiting analyst Tom Luginbill. If you're unfamiliar with Luginbill, he was the only analyst to rank Alabama's recruiting class, universally regarded as the top class in the country, at #3. His ranking of Miami (Rivals.com #4) at #1 and Clemson (Rivals.com #12) at #2 did not come without controversy.

In fact, it caused many in the recruiting community to question Luginbill's recruiting knowledge. It also caused many Alabama fans to accuse Luginbill of spurning Nick Saban's Crimson Tide in favor of Randy Shannon's Miami Hurricanes and Tommy Bowden's Clemson Tigers.

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Hello everyone! I’m Tom Luginbill! Doesn’t my name sound cool? Tom Luginbill.

I am known for my rankings. Tom Luginbill. I can rank things. In fact, anyone can rank things. But Tom Luginbill can master-rank things. One time, I met a second grader. And he was ranking things. And I asked him ‘How do you do that?’ And he didn’t answer me. And he kept ranking things with his red crayon. And so I thought, ‘That’s what I can do. I’ll be a ranker of things!’ And so I did. I ranked things. Tom Luginbill. From that day forward. Tom Luginbill.

Now people ask me questions all the time. They ask me “Hey Tom Luginbill, where would you rank my pasta?” And I tell them, “Behind Clemson!”

But I'm no regular ranker. I am a ranker extraordinaire. I am a master-ranker. I master-rank all the time. When I was younger, I would master-rank up to three, four times a day. But today, I’ve calmed down. See, I’ve slowed down a bit. I don’t have to master-rank all the time. So now, I usually only master-rank when my kids are at practice, when my wife’s out of town, or during late night re-runs of Doogie Howser MD.

But Tom Luginbill master-ranks more than just recruiting. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. People ask Tom Luginbill, “Tom Luginbill, do you only master-rank to 17-year old male athletes?” And Tom Luginbill tells them “No silly. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. Women, housing structures, primates in their natural habitats, etc.”

Tom Luginbill. So, here is a lengthy excerpt from my new, comprehensive life guide Tom Luginbill’s Master Rankings: 2008 Edition.

Tom Luginbill. Please enjoy! It’s out in stores now. And it’s only $19.99! Tom Luginbill.

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(Excerpts from TOM LUGINBILL'S MASTER RANKINGS: 2008 EDITION)

Tom Luginbill’s Top 3 Things to type at the start of a Web Address:

1)    w
2)    w
3)    Clemson

Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Adjectives:

1)    Biased
2)    Incorrect
3)    Stubborn
4)    ACCarifictastic
5)    Objective

Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Explorers with the Last Name “Columbus”:

1)    Steve Columbus
2)    “Snake Eyes” Columbus
3)    Bill S. Preston Columbus
4)    Jar Jar Columbus
5)    Christopher Columbus

Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Rocky Movies:

1)    Rocky V
2)    Rocky II
3)    Rocky III
4)    Rocky I
5)    Tommy Bowden

Gump4Heisman Presents: "Letters from a Two-Star"

By Nathan P. Worrell,
The Two-Star Running Back Who Asked For A Piano During The Recruiting Process

SPECIAL TO GUMP4HEISMAN.com

As a special signing-day feature exclusive to Gump4Heisman.com readers, "the Gump"€ worked throughout the recruiting process to follow one recruit throughout the whole process.

In a series of five entries, or 'Letters,'€ recruit Nathan P. Worrell took us through the process of being offered scholarships, talking with coaches, what he was, eh, '€œlooking for'€ in a school, and his views on his assessment by the recruiting services.

So, let the UNEDITED fun begin...

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SEPTEMBER:

Ah, the recruiting process has officially begun! Now I have my own page up there! On Rivals! It says "Nathan P. Worrell"€™ on it! That's me! That is awesome. I'm on Rivals. No, I don'€™t mean like "Hey are you on Rivals?" "Yea, my screen name is '€˜WayTooObsessed.'€™ I mean, I'€™m actually ON Rivals. Now I can tell people to look me up on Rivals. "Hey kid, you play ball?" Look it up on Rivals. "Hey son, where is your doctor's excuse?" Look it up on Rivals. "Hey baby, how big is your schlong?" Look it up on Rivals.

My schlong runs a 4.4 40.

Man, this is awesome. I don'€™t have any offers yet, but I imagine it won'€™t take long. I wonder if I'll be a three-star. Do you think I'€™ll be a three-star? I knew I was never a four-star. The way you can tell whether or not you'€™re a four-star is that four stars don't have to wipe their asses. From birth. And not because someone else does it for them. Because four-stars take sparkling-clean shits. Four-star shits. And a five-star? Five-stars don'€™t even take shits. They just eat. And sign autographs.

Ah, a three-star. That would be nice. "Nathan P. Worrell, Three-star." I can see it now.

OCTOBER:

A Two-star. Great. I'€™m a two-star. That'€™s just wonderful. Fuck. So much for dreaming. I'm a fucking two-star. Nice. So what do you want to know about me? That I'm a two-star? That I take messy, two-star, Taco Bell shits? That I can't get on rides at the fucking fair because there'€™s a fucking sign saying "€˜You must be at least a three-star to get on this ride"€™? What else do you want to know about me? What? Go ahead. Ask me it. I know you want to. I don'€™t have a picture uploaded on Rivals yet. Go ahead. Ask me the question you're already thinking. Am I black or am I white? You know what, on second thought, don't ask me that. Of course I'€™m white. I'€™m a two-star. I'€™m white as fuck. I'm whiter than white guys in black stand-up routines. I'€™m whiter than Snow. And not the precipitation. The rapper. From 1993. I physically compared myself to the 1993 rapper Snow, and I'€™m actually whiter than that guy. Fuck. I might as well say it. A licky boom boom down.

Can somebody please inform me who the fuck is going to offer me a scholarship now? I'€™m a white two-star. Which places me pretty fucking low on the honkey-athlete scale. I'€™m no Billy Cannon. Hell, I'€™m not even Billy Hoyle. Which was Woody Harrelson'€™s character in White Men Can'€™t Jump. How do I know that? IMDB motherfucker. IMDB.  I'€™m whiter than the namesake of something called White Men Can'€™t Jump. Wow. Billy Hoyle. That guy was clearly a three-star. Woody Harrelson is a fucking three-star. Hell, Rosie Perez is even a three-star. Not me. No, I'€™m Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. And not the werewolf version. Because Teen Wolf is a six-star. I'm the regular Scott Howard version. I don'€™t just suck balls. I suck taint. I'€™m so bad that, after all my shots, they have to cut to stock footage of basketballs going into the net. Stock footage. Of shots that some slightly athletic director'€™s assistant made. Awesome. Scott Howard. At your service.

SEC Coaches Recruiting Breakdowns (Part II)

On Friday, we continue the march of reaction from all 12 SEC head coaches. Yesterday, we got a reaction from the 6th lowest-rated SEC recruiting classes. Today, we take a look at more winners and losers. The Top 6 SEC recruiting classes, in the UNEDITED words of the men who signed them...

Let the F-bombs begin...

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Steve Spurrier, South Carolina  (Rivals.com final ranking: 22nd)

Alright, well hell. #22 ain’t bad. Now pass me my damn 4-iron. I don’t give a Danny Wuerffel fuck about this recruiting shit. Hell, I hate it. There’s nothing that gets under the ol’ ball coach’s skin like having to jerk off a 17-year old kid. ‘Hey kid, you’re the greatest.’ ‘Hey kid, you’re a superstar.’ ‘Hey kid, your dick is so big it needs its own scholarship.’ Holy shit that stuff gets old. How about ‘Hey kid, I’m Steven Orr Motherfucking Goddam King Dingaling Dirk Diggler Wilt Chamberlain Spurrier. Now get your ass to practice.’

I am a fucking legend. My shits are legends. People I shake hands with become legends. If I cum on a girl’s stomach, it’s considered a work of art. When I’m in a bad mood, America should fly their flags half-staff. I am Steve Spurrier. When I was at Florida, I didn’t even have to recruit. I just sat there with my office door open, practicing on my Putt-O-Ramic, drinking scotch and signing the first 25 panhandle big-dicks to walk in my office. Remind me again why I took this fucking job. Why the fuck did I leave Florida? That goddam Daniel Snyder. Homewrecker.

Tommy Tuberville, Auburn  (Rivals.com final ranking: 20th)

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Duck Hunt Fuck! Why did they fire Mike Shula?!? Why God??? Are you even there God??? Huh??? I asked you a question!! Answer me!!! WHY??? Do you realize when ‘Bama had Mike Shula, all I had to do was sit on my ass, fuck my wife once a month, coach a few ballgames, and go duck hunting. And I would dominate Alabama. Hell I would print up t-shirts about dominating Alabama. Before I even did it. That’s how easy it was. I didn’t even have to recruit. I would just flap my ears a couple of times, fly to a recruit’s house, show him a picture of Mike Shula sucking on Don Shula’s dry saggy tit, share a laugh, and – poof – sign a four-star. It was that easy.

Now I got this maniac 24-hour-a-day crackhead midget signing everybody. I mean everybody. He signed the fucking Northern Hemisphere. I got nothing man. Nothing. Fuck! My class isn’t ranked 20th. I added it up, and if you take away my two 5-star non-qualifier rollovers from 2007, this class would be ranked 40th. 40th! FUCK! We didn’t sign shit! Not one top 10 Alabama player. Not one. Alabama got 5 of the Top 35 players in the nation. We barely got 5 of the Top 35 in the fucking state! They got 18 Rivals 250 players. I got fucking zero. Zero! Fuck this. Give me my plastic gun. I want to play a game of Duck Hunt right now. Right fucking now. And I want to shoot that motherfucking smartass laughing dog in the mouth. Why are you laughing at my shit recruiting class you fucking mutt? Let’s see you recruit against Nick Saban, you fucking bag of fleas. You have floppier ears than I do you goofy four-legged fuck. Fuck you! Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!

I hate my life.

SEC Coaches Recruiting Breakdowns (Part 1)

GUMP4HEISMAN.com

Another signing day has come and gone. There were winners. There were losers. There were duffel bags. Full of money. And tractor keys.

Yes, yesterday every coach got to do his Nick Nolte Blue Chips best and sign the best 25 guys he could get his booste- eh, hands on. So this week, we take an unedited look at what every SEC coach had to say about his class when the microphones were, eh, turned off.

Today we'll go through the SEC's 12th-7th ranked classes. And tomorrow, we'll examine classes #6-1.

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Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt  (Rivals.com final ranking: tied – 89th)

Oh come on. 89th? Balls. How did we end up 89th? Oh yea, I forgot. We’re the only good school in this fucking conference. We have to sign smart kids. That’s fucking great. Sidenote to God: Why can’t smart kids play football? Huh? Why don’t you try whipping up a couple of brainiacs with 4.4 40’s? Here’s an idea: a kid who not only understands Sir Isaac Newton’s Law of Gravity, but fucking masters it. I.E. Nerd with a 40” vertical. I want super nerds. I want a nerd who jumps over other nerds in live-action games of checkers, OK?

We’re tied with New Mexico, Colorado State, Florida International, SMU, and Ohio. What is that? Auburn’s non-conference schedule? We couldn’t out-recruit fucking FIU? Holy shit. 89th. That puts us roughly behind Cameron Diaz on Justin Timberlake’s “Best Lays of 2007 List.” Fucking great.

Rich Brooks, Kentucky (Rivals.com final ranking: 57th)

Yea. Hi. 57th. Well, a whole lot of good that Top 10 ranking did us this year huh? We were fucking 54th last year. So let me get this straight: take a shit football program, beat the National Champs, earn a Top 10 ranking, beat Florida State in a bowl game, and win 8 games. And then, fall three spots in recruiting. What in the name of Adolph Rupp is going on? Fuck this. And fuck Jon Voight. Yea, that’s right. I saw that shitty Disney movie where Jon Voight tries to pull off the Rupp. Fuck him and fuck that. Yea, OK, so I’m pissed off. It’s not his fault. Whatever. Angelina Jolie is a fat-lipped road-whore.

Oh boy, I sure hope we win 9 games this year. Because I just can’t wait to get my hands on a fucking 60th ranked recruiting class. C’mon people. I’m at fucking Kentucky. Help me out here. Does anybody know if Patrick Patterson has a good arm?

Sith Lord Saban introduces new apprentice, berates media

Saban to Auburn, Ala. reporter: 'It is unavoidable. It is your destiny'

TUSCALOOSA, Al. (AP) –

On Thursday, Alabama coach and Sith Lord Nick Saban introduced his new apprentice to the media.

But not before giving them an earful.

On a day in which Saban officially announced the hire of new offensive coordinator Jim McElwain, the real story became the coach’s strenuous relationship with the media.

As Saban raved about McElwain’s abilities as an offensive coordinator, he didn’t miss an opportunity to get a few potshots in at the media.

“Aight, Jim is an outstanding coach,” said Saban. “Relative to being very knowledgeable in the areas of play-calling, aight, and recruiting, aight, and the Dark Side of the Force. But we’re not gon’ sit here, aight, and speculate over how the process went, relative to me deciding on a new apprentice.”

“I’ve heard everything,” continued Saban. “That I sent Major packing. Aight, that I didn’t want him here. Aight, that I sat in a large chair in my lair in a black robe and applauded as McElwain out-dueled Applewhite to take his place at my side. Aight, none of that is true. Aight, and you guys need to stop reporting it.”

“We have the same process we always do. We’re constantly evaluating other coaches and looking to replace those who aren’t performing to our standard.

I came to Coach Steele and told him ‘Jim McElwain. The Force is strong in him. He must not become an SEC assistant.’

And Coach Steele said ‘If he could be turned, he would be a powerful ally.’

Aight, to which I replied ‘Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?’

“And Coach Steele gave the same response we always have:

‘He will join us or die, my master.’”

“Aight?” said Saban. “So that’s the story. Aight. And you guys have been reporting it all wrong.”

One media member fired back.

“Don’t try and frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways Lord Saban,” said Birmingham reporter Ian Rapoport, who remained un-phased by Saban’s tirade. “Your sad devotion to the recruiting process has not helped you conjure up a commitment from Julio Jones, or given you clairvoyance enough to land the #1 cla-”

It was then that Rapoport suddenly and mysteriously began choking, causing some members of the media to speculate that Saban was again using dark magic.

“I find your lack of faith, aight, disturbing,” responded Saban.