"Phil Fulmer is Tough on Crime," by Phil Fulmer

by Phil Fulmer*
Special to GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

* - "Tough on crime!" says the WASHINGTON POST**

** - Quote not actually attributed to WASHINGTON POST***

*** - Quote actually attributed to Phil Fulmer's best friend Charlie****

**** - Phil Fulmer's non-existent best friend Charlie

Hey y’all. This is Phil.

Oh boy. So your old buddy Phil is in some trouble. For real y’all.

I am so serious y’all. I am serious about turning these kids around. I am a man of principle. I am a man of values. I am a man of charac- Ooh, can I have a bite of that cheeseburger? No, not you. Not you either. No, not you dickhead. You. With the cheeseburger. I see you there, reading this article and munching on that cheeseburger. Just put ‘er up to the screen and let ol’ Phil take a nibble. Hell, at least wipe some grease on the monitor so I can give it three licks and get to the center of a I’m-hungry-as-shit.

For real y’all.

What is it with a UT jersey that turns kids into fucking Lex Luthor? For real. When I sign these kids, they’re Clark Kents. I swear. I’m talking Iowa-farmboy shit. Good kids. I drop them off at church in blue blazers and ties and give them sweet tea inside of living rooms. Then about a week later, they get to campus. And all of a sudden they’re doing blow off a stripper’s shoulder blade and throwing grenades at cop cars.

What gives? I mean, for real y’all.

Did I tell you guys about how I am tough on crime? I am the SEC's Robocop. I am the SEC's Arnold-Schwarzenegger-in-Kindergarten-Cop. Which reminds me: it's not a tumor. Those two huge lumps on my chest are called man tits, OK? Mits.

I am tough on crime. I am the SEC’s McGruff. The Crime Dog. You know what, I think from now on, Tennessee should change their mascot to McGruff. Forget Smokey. At least, until things settle down.

Smokey isn’t tough enough on crime. Maybe I will put McGruff in charge of the team. That way, my players will know that not only do they have to answer to Phil “Dirty Harry” Fulmer, they have to answer to McGruff. And if you break a rule, he will take a bite out that scholarship motherfucker. For real y’all.

And quit talking bad about me y’all. Don’t call me out for the way I suspend my boys. The way I suspend my boys has nothing to do with whether or not they are starters. For real y’all. That is so superficial. I am not like that. For real y’all. For real. It has nothing to do with how good they are.

It has to do with their 40 times.

If one of my boys who runs a 4.4-second 40 breaks a rule, he is suspended for 4.4 seconds. Is that not fair? Don’t you see how that correlates 1-to-1? So if a lineman who runs a 5.2 40 breaks a rule, he is suspended for 5.2 seconds. If that isn’t fair, I don’t know what is. Do you see how fair that is?

That is the definition of America. You get what you earn. Like Gordon Gecko said, “Greed is good.” And so is armed robbery. If Gordon Gecko were here today he would say “Armed robbery is good.” Yes. That's right. He would talk to my boys. And he would say “Statutory rape is good.” And he would say “Repeated DUI is good.” And maybe he could talk to Alabama’s team and say “Holding someone up for 26-dollars-and-34-cents is good.”

That damn Gecko. Helluva fella. For real y’all.

I am all about capitalism. And so is my suspension system. I earn like a capitalist. I eat like a capitalist. I fuck like a capitalist. In other words, the rich get richer, the fat get fatter and the sweaty get sweatier.

So all you commies who want me to suspend everyone equally can kiss my red, white and blue and bright orange and quite fat and quite hairy and quite pale and a little bit pimply ass. For real y’all. I am tough on crime.

Boo!

Did you see that? Did you see how I just scared crime? Did you see how I just made crime piss it’s crimey little pants?

Aw, who am I kidding? I suck at being tough on crime. For real y'all.

Bruce Willis, are you out there? Are you out there Bruce Willis? I need you Bruce Willis. I need you like Demi needed you in ’91 Bruce Willis. Right after you filmed The Last Boy Scout Bruce Willis. In that movie you liked football Bruce WIllis. In the movie Pulp Fiction you talk about Knoxville Bruce Willis. Remember? That scene in the phone booth?

Please call me Bruce Willis. Please call me. The next time I see you, will it be on “Tennessee time” Bruce Willis? Will it? I sure hope so Bruce Willis. I sure hope so.

I need you like you needed a pair of shoes in that movie Die Hard Bruce Willis. I need you like Milla Jovovich needed a good boning even with orange hair in that movie The Fifth Element Bruce Willis. I need you like you needed to make out with dudes in that movie The Jackal Bruce Willis. I need you like I need to forget you ever made that shitty-ass movie Armageddon Bruce Willis. I need you like why the fuck did you make Look Who’s Talking Too Bruce Willis?

I need you Bruce Willis. Please come to Knoxville and go all John McClane on my team. And you can wear a wife-beater. And you can get it all progressively dirtier and bloodier and greasier. I don’t care. You can even take it off at the end. I don't even care if you've been shot 12 times. I just want you to kick my team in the balls and throw them through a window and smash them in the face with helmets and tell them “Yippie-Ky-Yay Motherfucker.” For real Bruce Willis.

Or I am dead. Deader than you during the entire movie of The Sixth Sense Bruce Willis.

I see dead people Bruce Willis. I see me. Help me.

Or it’s ‘Phil’s dead baby. Phil’s dead.’

Comments

[Offinya]

This site is much funnier when you make fun of Saban. Bastard!

[hunglikehussain]

You had me with the asterisks. Personally, I think Phil would be better off with a little Clint Eastwood type discipline. Clyde the orangutan is that perfect "Rocky Top orange."