SEC Coaches Recruiting Breakdowns (Part II)

On Friday, we continue the march of reaction from all 12 SEC head coaches. Yesterday, we got a reaction from the 6th lowest-rated SEC recruiting classes. Today, we take a look at more winners and losers. The Top 6 SEC recruiting classes, in the UNEDITED words of the men who signed them...

Let the F-bombs begin...

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Steve Spurrier, South Carolina  (Rivals.com final ranking: 22nd)

Alright, well hell. #22 ain’t bad. Now pass me my damn 4-iron. I don’t give a Danny Wuerffel fuck about this recruiting shit. Hell, I hate it. There’s nothing that gets under the ol’ ball coach’s skin like having to jerk off a 17-year old kid. ‘Hey kid, you’re the greatest.’ ‘Hey kid, you’re a superstar.’ ‘Hey kid, your dick is so big it needs its own scholarship.’ Holy shit that stuff gets old. How about ‘Hey kid, I’m Steven Orr Motherfucking Goddam King Dingaling Dirk Diggler Wilt Chamberlain Spurrier. Now get your ass to practice.’

I am a fucking legend. My shits are legends. People I shake hands with become legends. If I cum on a girl’s stomach, it’s considered a work of art. When I’m in a bad mood, America should fly their flags half-staff. I am Steve Spurrier. When I was at Florida, I didn’t even have to recruit. I just sat there with my office door open, practicing on my Putt-O-Ramic, drinking scotch and signing the first 25 panhandle big-dicks to walk in my office. Remind me again why I took this fucking job. Why the fuck did I leave Florida? That goddam Daniel Snyder. Homewrecker.

Tommy Tuberville, Auburn  (Rivals.com final ranking: 20th)

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Duck Hunt Fuck! Why did they fire Mike Shula?!? Why God??? Are you even there God??? Huh??? I asked you a question!! Answer me!!! WHY??? Do you realize when ‘Bama had Mike Shula, all I had to do was sit on my ass, fuck my wife once a month, coach a few ballgames, and go duck hunting. And I would dominate Alabama. Hell I would print up t-shirts about dominating Alabama. Before I even did it. That’s how easy it was. I didn’t even have to recruit. I would just flap my ears a couple of times, fly to a recruit’s house, show him a picture of Mike Shula sucking on Don Shula’s dry saggy tit, share a laugh, and – poof – sign a four-star. It was that easy.

Now I got this maniac 24-hour-a-day crackhead midget signing everybody. I mean everybody. He signed the fucking Northern Hemisphere. I got nothing man. Nothing. Fuck! My class isn’t ranked 20th. I added it up, and if you take away my two 5-star non-qualifier rollovers from 2007, this class would be ranked 40th. 40th! FUCK! We didn’t sign shit! Not one top 10 Alabama player. Not one. Alabama got 5 of the Top 35 players in the nation. We barely got 5 of the Top 35 in the fucking state! They got 18 Rivals 250 players. I got fucking zero. Zero! Fuck this. Give me my plastic gun. I want to play a game of Duck Hunt right now. Right fucking now. And I want to shoot that motherfucking smartass laughing dog in the mouth. Why are you laughing at my shit recruiting class you fucking mutt? Let’s see you recruit against Nick Saban, you fucking bag of fleas. You have floppier ears than I do you goofy four-legged fuck. Fuck you! Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!

I hate my life.

Les Miles, LSU  (Rivals.com final ranking: 11th)

Ah, life is good. ‘Les Miles, National Championship coach.’ I like the sound of that. Can I get business card printed up? Secretary? Secretary! Where the fuck have you been? On a break? Listen honey, I am a fucking National Champion now. Things are different around here. Where are my pre-shelled peanuts? Get me my pre-shelled peanuts! And while you’re at it, get me 5,000 business cards printed up right now that say ‘Les Miles, National Championship 12”-Dick-Having Hung-Like-Hercules Badass. With National Championship.’ Do it. Right now. Yea, I know it says ‘National Championship’ twice. Fuck, add another National Championship in there somewhere. No, no, no. No questions. Just make it work. I am running this program. This is my ship.

I don’t even care about this class. It probably should have been better. We just won a title. Just wait until next year. Louisiana is fucking loaded next year. And we’re getting ‘em. Stay the fuck away Nick Saban. Stay the fuck away. Hell, I’ll give you credit, you built this place. But now it’s mine. By the way, thanks for leaving, you OCD dumbshit. Ah, the #11 class in the country. On a down in-state talent year. Life is good. Yes it is. Patrick Johnson is the fucking tits. Ah. I have to take a shit. … Secretary! I am out of National Championship toilet paper! What? Wipe my ass with regular toilet paper? What? Who the fuck do you think I am? I am Les Miles! I am a National Champion! And goddammit, I will wipe my ass like a National Champion! 

Mark Richt, Georgia  (Rivals.com final ranking: 6th)

Okaly-dokaly neighbors! The #6 class in the country. Good-doodly-ud! I’m a-pleased from my head to my knees! This is just a swell recruiting class. Just swell. I’ll take a minute to apologize for all these foul-mouthed coachy-roachies. I always tell ‘em, ‘Don’t be a Cussy Russ!’ But son-of-a-gun-didaly-un, they don’t listen to the ol’ Mark Richter. We set out to sign a darn fine class, and sure as angel-fire we filled it full of Rivals-rated Rods and totally-touted Todds!

Boy, this class is just spine-tingly-dingly! We signed a couple of Davids and a whole boat-diddly-oad of Goliaths! No disrespect to the good Lord for the wonderful lesson, but Goliaths are what helps you land on the right side of the ol’ W’s-and-L’s. Why we got us a couple of AJs – from a Fast-Freddy like Mr. Green, to a Pancaking-Pete like Mr. Harmon. I’m tickled pink-didaly-ink! I know they label me the Roy Scout of this here SEC crusade, but in ’08, I’m a guessin’ to teach a lesson. ‘Cause, and pardon me Good Lord my sin-diddly-in, but I’m a right mind prideful for being great in 2008! So your darn-tootin’ I’m gonna Hokily-Dokily my way to a crystal football!

Urban Meyer, Florida  (Rivals.com final ranking: 3rd)

OK. Another year, another Top 3 class. What else is new? I’m the head coach at Florida. I could sign a Top 3 class while hibernating. Seriously. I could’ve fucking walked into my office after the bowl game, told everyone ‘You guys take it easy. I’m fucking hibernating,’ gone to sleep, woke up in a month, and still had a Top 3 class. But I didn’t. Because I’m not a Bear. But I can recruit like him. Hell I’m signing five-star athletes from New Jersey and fucking California. That is the definition of recruiting nationally. I could recruit internationally. I could sign a five-star from China. A five-star Chinese motherfucker. How would you guys like that? Huh? What if I go and pluck the next Tim Tebow from Russia?

Tim Tebovski. The Ivan Fucking Drago of the SEC. I will give him a spiked-blonde haircut and a shitload of steroids. And he will fucking break you. He will crush you and beat you and straight fuck you up. He will throw a touchdown and then chop-block your quarterback. With his hands. Fuck your quarterback. If he dies, he dies. Tim Tebovski will kick your best WR in the nuts. In front of a referee. On 3rd down. And get away with it. That’s it. I’m signing Tim Tebovski next year SEC. And he will make the SEC his Carl Weathers. And he is going to fuck your world up Carl Weathers. Do you hear me Carl Weathers? Before you fucking know it, you will be Dyin’ in America. Meyer out.

Nick Saban, Alabama  (Rivals.com final ranking: 1st)

Aight, we have an opponent, aight, we work to dominate. 366 days a year. Not 365. 366. Aight, because we dominate them twice on Signing Day.

So what the fuck. Now, I know we signed 5 of the Top 35 players in the country. Am I happy? No. Aight. Fuck no. Pleased. Maybe. But don’t EVER, aight, accuse me of being happy, aight? I am looking at a fucking list here that says Auburn signed 5 players from the top 35 players in Alabama. Aight, goddammit. How did this happen? Aight out of the Top 25, we signed 16. Aight, but they signed 3. Which is 2 more than Troy. Aight, and we’re not gon’ accept this. Now I know we can’t sign everybody. But what we can do, aight, relative to dominating the fuck out of Auburn, is we get those 3 guys to sign with Troy. Aight. We tell them, aight, we don’t have room for you, and then we actively fucking recruit them to Troy. We fucking dress up as Troy coaches, we fucking make up fake Troy coaches names, and we go and do what we do – aight – which is get fucking commitments.

Aight, is this the best recruiting class I’ve ever signed? Aight. Yea. Probably. Does that make it good enough? No. Aight. Fuck no. We gotta make like a newcomer in a whore house, aight, and double up. We gotta double our efforts in 2009. Fuck 2008. We’re moving on to 2009. And we’re already dominating 2009. Aight, and we better make sure Auburn gets no one. Aight. No one. Not one player from this state. Aight, and that includes long snappers. I don’t even want their fucking swim team signing anybody. Because If Nick Saban has to, he will put on a swim cap. And dominate the fuck out of Auburn’s swim team. Aight, on second thought, fuck that. Nick Saban is not messing up his hair for anybody.

Aight, so #1. It’s nice, relative to the process of what the fuck else did you expect. I’m Nick Saban. We signed the #1 class the day I was fucking hired. So fuck this patting-on-the-back bullshit. Why do we not have any commits for 2010? Huh? Relative to the process of where the fuck are my 2011 commits? Aight, huh? I want a 2012 five-star by Monday. Aight.

And a 2013 6-star by Tuesday.

Comments

[KChambers]

Incredible work as usual.

[Joker]

Dude, you just know how to be funny. For those that don't laugh, or simply don't "get it", tell them...no, just do this: whip it out, slap it on their head, and just let it pulse on their noggin for a bit. When they look up and ask "what...uh, what is this about?" You just say, "Shhh, shhh. I'm the Gump. Just enjoy my brilliance."

Maybe then they'll get it. Kudos.

[Matthew McConaughey]

Dude, that shit was pimp tight! Just keep on livin bro!

[mo hunkus]

You are the most foul-mouthed retard that ever lived. God help you you godless reprobate!