Saban to Auburn, Ala. reporter: 'It is unavoidable. It is your destiny'
TUSCALOOSA, Al. (AP) –
On Thursday, Alabama coach and Sith Lord Nick Saban introduced his new apprentice to the media.
But not before giving them an earful.
On a day in which Saban officially announced the hire of new offensive coordinator Jim McElwain, the real story became the coach’s strenuous relationship with the media.
As Saban raved about McElwain’s abilities as an offensive coordinator, he didn’t miss an opportunity to get a few potshots in at the media.
“Aight, Jim is an outstanding coach,” said Saban. “Relative to being very knowledgeable in the areas of play-calling, aight, and recruiting, aight, and the Dark Side of the Force. But we’re not gon’ sit here, aight, and speculate over how the process went, relative to me deciding on a new apprentice.”
“I’ve heard everything,” continued Saban. “That I sent Major packing. Aight, that I didn’t want him here. Aight, that I sat in a large chair in my lair in a black robe and applauded as McElwain out-dueled Applewhite to take his place at my side. Aight, none of that is true. Aight, and you guys need to stop reporting it.”
“We have the same process we always do. We’re constantly evaluating other coaches and looking to replace those who aren’t performing to our standard.
I came to Coach Steele and told him ‘Jim McElwain. The Force is strong in him. He must not become an SEC assistant.’
And Coach Steele said ‘If he could be turned, he would be a powerful ally.’
Aight, to which I replied ‘Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?’
“And Coach Steele gave the same response we always have:
‘He will join us or die, my master.’”
“Aight?” said Saban. “So that’s the story. Aight. And you guys have been reporting it all wrong.”
One media member fired back.
“Don’t try and frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways Lord Saban,” said Birmingham reporter Ian Rapoport, who remained un-phased by Saban’s tirade. “Your sad devotion to the recruiting process has not helped you conjure up a commitment from Julio Jones, or given you clairvoyance enough to land the #1 cla-”
It was then that Rapoport suddenly and mysteriously began choking, causing some members of the media to speculate that Saban was again using dark magic.
“I find your lack of faith, aight, disturbing,” responded Saban.
After being instructed by Alabama Athletics Director Mal Moore to “release” Rapoport, Saban – whose Sith name is rumored to be Darth Process – continued to berate the media over disinformation in recruiting.
At one point, an in-state media member from Auburn questioned coach Saban about the recruitment of a local superstar linebacker, who had allegedly visited with Auburn Coach Tommy Tuberville. The reporter insinuated that the linebacker, thought to be an Alabama lean, was now leaning towards Auburn. The reporter then alleged that Saban was misinformed on the situation.
“Oh no,” said Saban. “I think you will find it is you who are mistaken. Aight, about a great many things.”
“Everything that has transpired, aight, has done so according to my design. Your friends, up there at Jerrell Harris’s high school, are walking into a trap. Aight, it was I who allowed Coach Tuberville to know the location of Jerrell Harris. Aight. I assure you he is quite safe from your pitiful little coach. An entire legion of my best recruiters awaits him.”
“Oh, I’m afraid the Saban recruiting machine will be quite operational, aight, when your friends arrive.”
After the lashing, the Auburn reporter appeared visibly shaken and angry. Saban did not let up.
“You want this don’t you,” said Saban, holding up a pen. “The hate is swelling in you now. Take your media weapon, aight. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Slander me. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, aight, you make yourself more my servant.”
The reporter fought off tears as Saban continued.
“It is unavoidable. Aight. It is your destiny. You, like your top in-state recruits, are now mine.”
According to Bill Belichek’s 2004 book Why the Dark Side is Stronger, Saban learned the dark ways of the force from Belicheck as his defensive coordinator and right-hand man with the Cleveland Browns. Under Belichek’s tutelage, Saban grew strong. Perhaps too strong.
While Belichek has never publicly admited it, reports have leaked for years that Saban tried to undermine, and even overthrow, Belichek during his tenure in Cleveland.
In a passage from Belichek’s book, he addresses the rumors, claiming to understand the process himself, having once been an apprentice himself to Bill Parcells (Darth Tuna).
“I never once faulted young Saban for his ambition. That is the way of things. When I was an apprentice to Bill (Parcells), it was the same. I learned as much as I could from him, but he made sure he stayed in power – even when I aimed to take it from him.”
When asked to further comment on the rumors surrounding the departure of offensive coordinator Major Applewhite, Saban had only this to say:
“He’s just a boy. Coach Pendry can no longer help him.”
At the end of the press conference, Saban was asked to address the recruitment of all-world receiver Julio Jones. Saban again only briefly addressed the question.
“It is of no concern. Soon the Oklahoma Sooners will be crushed and Young Julio will be one of us. (turning to McElwain) Aight, your work here is finished my friend. Go back to the command station and await my orders,” said Saban.
“Bob’s (Stoops) feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side.”
As he cascaded from the podium, Saban turned to present members of his coaching staff.
“There will be a substantial reward to the one who lands Julio Jones. Aight. You are free to use any method necessary. No probation.”
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