Gump4Heisman interviews Auburn's Stan White
GUMP4HEISMAN.COM
There is no doubt that Auburn has had a heck of a run the past four years, going 42-9 with an SEC West title, an SEC title, and a People’s National Championship hand-stamp.
So where do they go from here? Well, with the aid of Auburn homer- er, radio announcer (and former QB) Stan White, Gump4Heisman set to find out.
So to help cure the off-season lull, “the Gump” recently sat down with Stan White, to look into where the Auburn Tigers have been, where they’re headed in 2008 and the situation right now in the state of Alabama…
GUMP: So Stan White, how you doin?
STAN WHITE: War Eagle.
GUMP: You’re doing ‘War Eagle’ today?
STAN WHITE: Yup.
GUMP: Is ‘War Eagle’ a mood?
STAN WHITE: It is for Auburn men and women.
GUMP: You mean men and women who live inside the city limits of Auburn, AL?
STAN WHITE: No, I mean Auburn men and Auburn women. Auburn men eat War Eagle for breakfast. Auburn men drink War Eagle for dinner. Auburn men shit War Eagle after dinner. Auburn men penetrate their Auburn women in the War Eagle position.
GUMP: So... War Eagle is also a sexual position?
STAN WHITE: No. It’s a way of life.
GUMP: Fascinating. So, Auburn started slow in 2007 but th-
STAN WHITE: I wouldn’t say they started slow. I’d say they played armadillo with the rest of the SEC for a little while.
GUMP: You mean ‘possum.’
STAN WHITE: That isn’t a very nice thing to say.
GUMP: What?
STAN WHITE: Well Mr. Heisman, I am not a possum. I am friendly, and I am a people.
GUMP: You mean ‘person.’
STAN WHITE: Why do you keep calling me names?
GUMP: Um… Apologies. If you’ll allow me. Misunderstanding.
STAN WHITE: There is no reason to bring your woman into this. I don’t care if she is Miss Congeniality. Or Miss Understanding. Or Miss fucking SmileyHappyFace.
GUMP: Wait, did he just say ‘fuck’? Did Stan White just say ‘fuck’ on my blog interview?
EDITOR: Sure as fuck did.
GUMP: Fuck.
EDITOR: Yea, fuck him. Fuckin' Stan White.
GUMP: Hey look, Stan White, this thing isn’t edited. Don’t say that anymore OK?
STAN WHITE: Say what?
GUMP: ‘Fuck.’
STAN WHITE: What happened?
GUMP: 'What happened??' You just said ‘Fuck.’
STAN WHITE: No, you just said ‘fuck.’ I just said ‘what happened?’
GUMP: Alright, fuck it. It already happened.
GUMP: Next topic. OK, so Stan White, Auburn rebounded to go 8-2 down the stretch. Can they carry that momentum over into 2008?
STAN WHITE: Well I think it was all a part of the plan. From 1-2 to 8-2. This coaching staff at Auburn knows what they’re doing. They like being the underdog. They’ve gone 42-9 since 2004. Even in the two early losses, Tommy Tuberville was 2-0 in those games until the final quarter was over. And he’s 8-0 in the last eight games they won. So, in a way, he was really 10-0.
GUMP: I’m not following you Stan White. Are you saying Auburn lost to South Florida and Mississippi State on purpose?
STAN WHITE: Auburn didn’t lose those games. Over the last four years, Tommy Tuberville is 9-0 in games Auburn didn’t win.
GUMP: That’s impossible.
STAN WHITE: No, what’s impossible is how no one gives Tommy Tuberville the credit Tommy Tuberville deserves. Even though, over the last 5 years, Tommy Tuberville has the best record of any coach in America on Buffalo Wild Wing’s .35¢ wing night.
GUMP: So what happened in the games Auburn didn’t win?
STAN WHITE: Different things. Weather. Referees. Abe Vigoda.
GUMP: Abe Vigoda? Isn’t that a bit of a stretch?
STAN WHITE: I’ll tell you what’s a bit of a stretch: Six-in-a-row.
GUMP: Well no one’s blaming it on Tessio from ‘The Godfather.’
STAN WHITE: They’re blaming it on probation.
GUMP: Probation is real. ‘The Godfather’ is not.
STAN WHITE: Wah, wah bammers. Probation isn’t real. It’s an excuse.
GUMP: Alright, I’ll play along. So why did Alabama get so bad so fast if it wasn’t probation?
STAN WHITE: The Bear died. And Alabama hasn’t been good since.
GUMP: What about 1992?
STAN WHITE: Overrated.
GUMP: The year 1992 was overrated?
STAN WHITE: Yes it was. And that Bammer defense was too.
GUMP: That ’92 ‘bammer’ defense sacked you 10 times in one game Stan White.
STAN WHITE: 10 times? I don’t remember that.
GUMP: Exactly.
STAN WHITE: OK, well tell me this. How come I never saw any ‘Honk if you sacked Stan White’ bumper stickers?
GUMP: I don’t think anyone felt it necessary to print one.
STAN WHITE: The Bear’s dead. You’re living in the past. I don’t have to listen to this. Tommy Tuberville is 42-9 the past 4 years.
GUMP: Alright. Fair enough. But Coach Bryant died 25 years ago. So, recently, if it wasn’t probation, then what caused the shift in the state?
STAN WHITE: A shift in the state.
GUMP: A shift in the state caused the shift in the state?
STAN WHITE: Well… that and Abe Vigoda.
GUMP: Of course. Well how did Auburn, at the exact same time, get so good so fast?
STAN WHITE: Well-
GUMP: Wait, wait. Let me guess. Abe Vigoda.
STAN WHITE: No, Tommy Tuberville. Over the last five years, Tommy Tuberville is 42-0 in games won by Tommy Tuberville. Also, Tommy Tuberville is 42-0 in games not lost by Tommy Tuberville. Also, Tommy Tuberville has always owned Alabama. Also, Tommy Tuberville is hung like Liono.
GUMP: Yea. And what is Tommy Tuberville’s record against Abe Vigoda?
STAN WHITE: Eleventy-and-0.
GUMP: Eleventy-and-0?
STAN WHITE: Yup. That’s his record against Bammer too.
GUMP: Well you make a good point. His record against Alabama is 7-2. That’s impressive. But Alabama hasn’t exactly been at full strength have they?
STAN WHITE: Yea they have.
GUMP: Tommy Tuberville has beaten Alabama teams with records of 3-8, 10-3, 4-9, 6-6, 10-2, 6-6, and 7-6. So while two of those teams were good, the other five were a combined 26-35. I know about ‘credit where credit’s due,’ but isn’t it safe to say any coach would have a good record against those teams?
STAN WHITE: I’ll tell you what’s safe to say. When someone offers you a cigarette, it’s safe to say ‘No.’
GUMP: Sure. So Tuberville will remain an Alabama-killer even when Saban makes them good?
STAN WHITE: Tommy Tuberville has beaten plenty of good Alabama teams.
GUMP: I thought you just said Alabama hasn’t been good since the Bear died.
STAN WHITE: They haven’t.
GUMP: So how have they been good but at the same time been bad?
STAN WHITE: It’s simple math, bammer. Since the Bear died they’ve been bad. Since Tommy Tuberville starting winning, they’ve been good.
GUMP: What about the 80’s and 90’s when Alabama was a regular in the Top 10?
STAN WHITE: That’s in the past. Can’t live in the past. Auburn has won the last six Iron Bowls. Alabama just can’t come to grips with reality. They can’t come back again.
GUMP: Wouldn’t Nick Saban’s recent recruiting indicate otherwise?
STAN WHITE: That’s in the future. Can’t live in the future.
GUMP: Well where can you live?
STAN WHITE: The present.
GUMP: Like, right now? In this exact moment?
STAN WHITE: Yes.
GUMP: Football-wise, nothing’s happening right now.
STAN WHITE: Auburn is happening right now. They’ve won six in a row.
GUMP: Yea, in the past.
STAN WHITE: No, in the present.
GUMP: Those games have concluded. They’re in the past. For example, the streak goes back to 2002. That year is in the past.
STAN WHITE: 2002 is in the present.
GUMP: What about 2001?
STAN WHITE: That’s the past.
GUMP: What about 2000?
STAN WHITE: The present.
GUMP: 1992?
STAN WHITE: Oh yea, the past. Big-time past.
GUMP: And the 1990s? When Alabama won 7 of 10 Iron Bowls?
STAN WHITE: WAY the past.
GUMP: What about Bo Jackson?
STAN WHITE: Bo Jackson doesn’t live in the past. Bo Jackson lives in Illinois.
GUMP: Well he left school 22 years ago. Aren’t Auburn fans who pay homage to him living in the past?
STAN WHITE: No. Bo Jackson is the present.
GUMP: That doesn’t make sense. So when Auburn does something good it’s OK to remember it, but when Alabama does something good it’s not OK to remember it?
STAN WHITE: Not if it’s in the past.
GUMP: How do you remember something from the future?
STAN WHITE: It’s easy. If you’re not living in the past.
GUMP: OK... Changing topics.
Auburn has a new offense and new starting QB in Kodi Burns, who has some good experience. They’ve always got a tough D, and 2008 is no different, with guys like CB Jerraud Powers leading the way. But Auburn also has a new Defensive coordinator as well. Where do you see Auburn going this year?
STAN WHITE: The Super Bowl.
GUMP: Auburn can’t go to the Super Bowl.
STAN WHITE: See that’s what Auburn wants you to think. Auburn loves being the underdog. Over the last four years this coaching staff is-
GUMP: 42-9. I know. And over the last three years they’re 29-9. And over the last four 2004’s they’re 13-0. I know, I know. So looking past 2008, where do you see Auburn headed?
STAN WHITE: I see Auburn heading to the Iron Bowl.
GUMP: But Auburn goes to the Iron Bowl every year.
STAN WHITE: Exactly.
GUMP: Well, no pun intended, but can Alabama turn the tide back their way?
STAN WHITE: Nope.
GUMP: Nick Saban just inked the #1 class in the country for the third time since 2001. Will he not continue to recruit to this level and return Alabama to prominence?
STAN WHITE: Nah. He only got those players because Alabama could promise playing time.
GUMP: What about his top classes at LSU?
STAN WHITE: He didn’t recruit any of those players to Alabama.
GUMP: Alright. Well how do you account for his success?
STAN WHITE: Dragons.
GUMP: Dragons?
STAN WHITE: Yea, dragons. That’s the reason he’s recruiting so well right now. Dragons are a huge recruiting draw. It’s like ‘Hey, do you want to play for me? Oh yea, by the way, check out this sweet-ass dragon.’ Anyone can recruit with dragons. But dragons can’t live forever. Once Tuscaloosa’s supply of dragons runs out, I think you’ll see Auburn start to really turn things back.
GUMP: You need serious help.
STAN WHITE: I got an XM. But thanks.
GUMP: Stan White everybody. Thanks for your time. Suicide at this point seems strangely appealing.
If "War Eagle" is a sexual position, then I'm not sure I wanna see a "Crimson Tide". They both sound pretty fucking nasty.
Posted by: chris | March 28, 2008 at 06:33 PM
just like all the other barners, talking but nothing comeing out.
Posted by: donald chappell | March 28, 2008 at 11:07 PM
The "War Eagle" is similar to Missionary, but the only difference is that the girl wears face paint and growls uncontrollably the whole time, saying "I'm a tiger. War Eagle!" Oh, and after it's all over, you throw streams of toilet paper all over her. Why? I have no clue - ask a Barner.
I refuse to explain the "Crimson Tide" position, due to the fact that it involves 12 midgets, 21 women, and 55 tubes of lubricant. It quite frankly, should not be attempted by any one unwilling to sacrifice many hours of blood, sweat, and tears.
P.S. Contrary to popular belief, the "Mike Price" has nothing to do with the "Crimson Tide" position.
Posted by: Chris K. | March 31, 2008 at 01:53 PM