Gump For Heisman

Is "The Gump" headed to HOLLYWOOD?

Actual Author of Gump4Heisman.com

Well hello. After months of being the man behind the curtain, I'm stepping out. From behind the curtain. Or, more like lifting it up enough to duck my head up and under it.

This will explain the unusual lack of postings lately... I've finally embarked on a stand-up comedy career. That's right. I'm taking my demented mind into the world of comedy. And while the early results have been promising, I need your help!

I recently won a talent search which sent me out to Hollywood for a great opportunity in comedy. I got to meet Jamie Kennedy, perform my comedy for him, and go onstage at the world-famous Laugh Factory. It was GREAT. Now's my chance to get back out there, but not without YOUR VOTE.

So here's how you do it:

Step 1: REGISTER. Go here: BIG SHOT LIVE. Enter your ZIP code. Then, register an account (look for 'REGISTER' next to the black Login bar)

Step 2: VOTE. For this video:

In it, I conduct a parody interview with myself about life since my trip to Hollywood. Pretty ridiculous. You can watch the whole thing, or just vote and continue through your day.

(You don't need to enter your ZIP. Just click the green 'SEND' button (pictured))

Link to 'HOLLYWOOD INTERVIEW'

Vote early and vote OFTEN. You can vote up to once per day.

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Also, unrelated to the voting, here's a link to the episode of my 1st trip to Hollywood, for some background...

My 1st Trip to Hollywood: Check it, cuz.

So, yea. It was a really kick-ass trip.

And no, I'm not giving up the GUMP. Just really busy with work and comedy. So much so that the time I can put in here has been obviously lessened. But I'll continue to write, especially once the season kicks back up.

I appreciate anyone who continues to support this site, and to any fans of this blog, this is the best way to show your support.

Send the 1st video, or both, to as many people as you can. Maybe if you're a blogger, post a link. Maybe not. Either way, I need as many votes as possible so I can go back out there.

Y'all make it happen, cuz.

Gump4Heisman interviews Auburn's Stan White

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

There is no doubt that Auburn has had a heck of a run the past four years, going 42-9 with an SEC West title, an SEC title, and a People’s National Championship hand-stamp.

So where do they go from here? Well, with the aid of Auburn homer- er, radio announcer (and former QB) Stan White, Gump4Heisman set to find out.

So to help cure the off-season lull, “the Gump” recently sat down with Stan White, to look into where the Auburn Tigers have been, where they’re headed in 2008 and the situation right now in the state of Alabama…

GUMP: So Stan White, how you doin?

STAN WHITE: War Eagle.

GUMP: You’re doing ‘War Eagle’ today?

STAN WHITE: Yup.

GUMP: Is ‘War Eagle’ a mood?

STAN WHITE: It is for Auburn men and women.

GUMP: You mean men and women who live inside the city limits of Auburn, AL?

STAN WHITE: No, I mean Auburn men and Auburn women. Auburn men eat War Eagle for breakfast. Auburn men drink War Eagle for dinner. Auburn men shit War Eagle after dinner. Auburn men penetrate their Auburn women in the War Eagle position.

GUMP: So... War Eagle is also a sexual position?

STAN WHITE: No. It’s a way of life.

GUMP: Fascinating. So, Auburn started slow in 2007 but th-

STAN WHITE: I wouldn’t say they started slow. I’d say they played armadillo with the rest of the SEC for a little while.

GUMP: You mean ‘possum.’

STAN WHITE: That isn’t a very nice thing to say.

GUMP: What?

STAN WHITE: Well Mr. Heisman, I am not a possum. I am friendly, and I am a people.

GUMP: You mean ‘person.’

STAN WHITE: Why do you keep calling me names?

GUMP: Um… Apologies. If you’ll allow me. Misunderstanding.

STAN WHITE: There is no reason to bring your woman into this. I don’t care if she is Miss Congeniality. Or Miss Understanding. Or Miss fucking SmileyHappyFace.

GUMP: Wait, did he just say ‘fuck’? Did Stan White just say ‘fuck’ on my blog interview?

EDITOR: Sure as fuck did.

GUMP: Fuck.

EDITOR: Yea, fuck him. Fuckin' Stan White.

GUMP: Hey look, Stan White, this thing isn’t edited. Don’t say that anymore OK?

STAN WHITE: Say what?

GUMP: ‘Fuck.’

STAN WHITE: What happened?

GUMP: 'What happened??' You just said ‘Fuck.’

STAN WHITE: No, you just said ‘fuck.’ I just said ‘what happened?’

GUMP: Alright, fuck it. It already happened.

GUMP: Next topic. OK, so Stan White, Auburn rebounded to go 8-2 down the stretch. Can they carry that momentum over into 2008?

STAN WHITE: Well I think it was all a part of the plan. From 1-2 to 8-2. This coaching staff at Auburn knows what they’re doing. They like being the underdog. They’ve gone 42-9 since 2004. Even in the two early losses, Tommy Tuberville was 2-0 in those games until the final quarter was over. And he’s 8-0 in the last eight games they won. So, in a way, he was really 10-0.

GUMP: I’m not following you Stan White. Are you saying Auburn lost to South Florida and Mississippi State on purpose?

STAN WHITE: Auburn didn’t lose those games. Over the last four years, Tommy Tuberville is 9-0 in games Auburn didn’t win.

GUMP: That’s impossible.

STAN WHITE: No, what’s impossible is how no one gives Tommy Tuberville the credit Tommy Tuberville deserves. Even though, over the last 5 years, Tommy Tuberville has the best record of any coach in America on Buffalo Wild Wing’s .35¢ wing night.

GUMP: So what happened in the games Auburn didn’t win?

STAN WHITE: Different things. Weather. Referees. Abe Vigoda.

Gump4Heisman’s Guide to a Post-Favre Existence (Part 2)

GUMP4HEISMAN.com
   

... Continued from Yesterday ...

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OK man. You are being ridiculous. This "guide" is supposed to be about Brett Favre.

Oh no good sir. The last 17 years were about Brett Favre. This, sir, is about what is to happen AFTER Brett Favre.

Please, read on. We have little in the way of time.

OK. Care to explain that random-ass mention of werewolves?

I said nothing of werewolves.

Yes you did. In part 1 you said ‘That, and werewolves.’

Ah yes. Werewolves. At this point, werewolves are no doubt perusing your area code.

What is their intended goal? Who’s to say?

Perhaps to sit calmly in your living room and discuss how the retirement of Brett Favre is going to affect the Green Bay Packers and the National Football League. Perhaps to rip you apart limb-from-limb and devour you. At this point it’s difficult to know.

Also, werewolf-behavior is expected to vary greatly depending on your location. If you live in or around Green Bay (area code 920), then you are fucked. You might as well give your bones a nice rinsing. Because they are about to be gnawed on.

OFFICIAL POST-FAVRE WARNING: If you live in area code 920 and do not leave, your bones will soon be gnawed by a hairy monster.

If you live in or around, say, Minneapolis (area code 612), you are likely safe. For a while. 612 residents should feel free to high-five local werewolves (local werewolves permitting). Unless the werewolf in question does not appear to want to be high-fived. In which case he may eat your head.

SIDENOTE: It is admittedly difficult to judge the moods of werewolves. One should approach with extreme caution. Keep in mind that signs of blood around the mouth are usually indicative of a bad-mood werewolf. If the werewolf is smiling however (blood-free smile), then feel free to engage in happy activities, such as attending an amusement park.*

* - Provided the park’s rides comply with standard werewolf safety measures. No sharp silver objects.

To re-iterate! …

Skipping werewolf = good mood
Bloody-mouth werewolf = bad mood
Stoic werewolf = anyone’s guess

Gump4Heisman’s Guide to a Post-Favre Existence (Part 1)

GUMP4HEISMAN.com

Now that Brett Favre is retiring, the questions are mounting. What should I do? Should I still watch football? Should I burn my Green Bay attire? Should I burn my house? Should I gain 30 lbs., divorce my back-up dancer husband, lose custody of my children, and shave my head? Should I still tip waitresses?

Gump4Heisman understands your uncertainty. That’s why, with G4H’s handy guide to the Post-Favre world, you’ll never have another question.

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Someone told me Brett Favre is retiring. Is a fall in Green Bay inevitable?

No. A stock market crash is inevitable.


Huh? Is the stock market really going to crash?

Well that is just a ridiculous question.

Brett Favre just retired. Of course the stock market is going to crash.

Shit. Seriously? When?

Probably not for another 30-45 minutes. I’d call my financial advisor right now though.

Well what should I do with my investments?

Sell them. All. Hide the cash in a mattress. With booby traps.

I should booby-trap my mattress because Brett Favre retired from the NFL?

Yes. Now.

What else should I booby-trap?

Everything. Your house, your car, your iPod, your wife/husband, your household pet, your driveway, etc.

What are talking about? That doesn’t make any sense.

I’ll tell you what doesn’t make any sense: Brett Favre no longer plays football.

OK, OK. Well since Brett Favre is retiring from the NFL, what should I myself do?

Do you own a gun?

No.

A faulty parachute?

No.

A sturdy rope/ceiling beam?

No.