Dark Lord Belichick visits Tuscaloosa; UA coaching clinic

Sith Lord Belichick to Saban: ‘Only together can we dominate the game of football’

A GUMP4HEISMAN SPECIAL REPORT

Bill Belichick is coming to Tuscaloosa.

And he’s bringing his dark ways with him. As is customary in the off-season of every major college football program, the Alabama Crimson Tide is bringing in a slew of football coaches to help prepare the team for the upcoming season.

It’s just that a more pedestrian football program might not have attracted the most preeminent name in coaching today: Patriots Head Coach, and noted Sith Lord, Bill Belichick.

The bond between Belichick and Saban goes back to their days on the Cleveland Browns coaching staff in the 1990s, where Belichick mentored Saban in the ways of football, defense, game management and the Dark Side of the Force.

“Aight, Coach Belichick is an excellent coach, and we feel honored, aight, as a program to have him in Tuscaloosa,” said coach Saban. “He’s a man who knows how to runs a successful organization, relative to dominating people, and relative to getting things done in the front office. Aight, which is one reason why we felt it necessary, aight, to bring him here.”

It had been rumored for weeks that Belichick was being brought into town to re-energize efforts for an addition to Alabama’s stadium. The reporter who first broke the story was Birmingham News writer Ian Rapoport. This from Rapoport’s al.com blog:

    “Little does the SEC know that the
    Crimson Tide has secretly
    begun construction on a new
    high-tech football stadium even
    more powerful than the first
    dreaded Bryant-Denny Stadium.

    When completed, this ultimate
    stadium will spell certain doom
    for the small band of SEC teams
    struggling to keep the sleeping giant
    down and maintain freedom
    in the galaxy....”

On Thursday, Rapoport's report was confirmed. Early in the morning, Coach Saban interrupted a press conference held by University of Alabama president Robert Witt in which the topic of discussion was Alabama’s delayed plans for the renovated stadium.

Saban burst right into the room, cascading up to the podium, giving no regard to the media.

“Coach Saban,” said Dr. Witt, stopping his speech mid-sentence. “This is an unexpected pleasure. We are honored by your presence.”

“Aight, you may dispense with the pleasantries Dr. Witt,” said Saban. “I am here to put this stadium back on schedule.”

“I assure you, Coach Saban. My men are working as fast as they can.”

(flaring laser eyes) “Perhaps I can find new ways, aight, to motivate them.”

“But Coach Belichick asks the impossible. We need more money.”

“Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.”

“C- C- Coach Belichick’s coming here?”

“That is correct Dr. Witt, and he is most displeased, aight, with your apparent lack of progress.”

“W- we shall double our efforts,” replied Witt.

“I hope so Dr. Witt. Aight. For your sake. Coach Belichick is not as forgiving as I am.”

The open display made it clear. That Bill Belichick was indeed ready for Tuscaloosa. And that Tuscaloosa had better be ready for Bill Belichick.

And on Friday morning, they were.

The early-morning display at Tuscaloosa Regional Airport had to be seen to be believed. You thought Nick Saban’s 2007 airport entrance was something?

Well Bill Belichick received the welcoming of a king. Or, rather, a Sith Master.

As Belichick’s all-black multi-million dollar jet landed, cascades of Million-Dollar band members and Crimsonettes, decked in all red, lined the walkway. Rows upon rows of out-of-shape crimson-clad band members stood in rigid allegiance as the door to Belichick’s jet began to open.

Saban dropped to one knee, kneeling as the legendary Patriots coach emerged. Belichick took one look around the scene, and then reached back and pull his trademark hood over his head. He then began strolling down the walkway, and approached the kneeling Saban.

“Rise my friend.”

“The Stadium will be completed, my master,” replied Saban.

“You've done well, Lord Saban. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for another top-rated recruiting class.”

“Yes, my Master.”

“Patience, my friend. In time, a top-rated recruiting class will seek you out, and when it does, you must bring them before me. It is I who will continue to draft them. LSU is no longer of any use to us. You have grown strong Coach Saban. Only together can we dominate the game of football.”

“As you wish,” said Saban.

“Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen,” cackled Belichick.

The media members in attendance followed the procession down to the doors of a black limousine that awaited the two coaches. As the crimson-clad attendant opened the door, Saban turned to Belichick.

“And what of 5-star Dre Kirkpatrick?”

“In time, he will come before you,” replied Belichick.

“He will come to me?”

“I have foreseen it. His compassion for you will lead to his signing. He will come to you, and in four years, you will bring him before me.”

“As you wish,” replied Saban, ducking his head into the limo.

The two men then stepped into the back of the limousine, disappearing behind the heavily-tinted black windows.

The two coaches (pictured together here) have a long-standing relationship. Belichick, whose Sith name is reportedly Darth Camcorder, served as Saban’s head coach in Cleveland, where Saban (Darth Process) served as his Defensive Coordinator and right-hand man.

The trail of dark power actually goes back to Belichick’s days with the New York Giants, where he served as an assistant to Coach Bill Parcells (Darth Tuna).

According to a report from Rapoport, Saban’s villainous stature, mocked by opposing SEC schools, actually worked in Alabama’s favor this past offseason, when LSU came calling. Again a report from Rapoport’s al.com blog:

----

The following scene, while not leaked to the media, reportedly took place this off-season between LSU Athletics Director Skip Bertman and Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban. When it appeared Les Miles might be headed to Michigan, Bertman reached out to Saban, his old friend.

“Come with me,” said Bertman.

“Wayne Huzienga once thought as you do,” replied Saban. “You don't know the power of the Tide. I must obey my master.”

“I understand Coach Saban,” replied Bertman.

“So, you have accepted the truth?”

“I have accepted the truth that you were once Nick Saban, Head Coach at LSU.”

“[flaring laser eyes] That name no longer has any meaning for me!”

“It is the name of your true self, you’ve only forgotten.”

“It is too late for that, Skip. The Crimson Tide, aight, will show you the true nature of college football. They are your master now.”

“Give yourself to the Tide, Skip,” continued Saban. “It is the only way, aight, you can save your illustrious track record. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for LSU are strong. Especially for... Leslie. So, you hired old Leslie. Your feelings have now betrayed him, too.”

“He was wise to use the talent I left him,” said Saban. “Now his failure will be complete. If you will not crumble before the rising Tide... then perhaps he will...”

----

This off-season, Saban publicly addressed reports of his other wordly powers for the first time.

“Aight, I know the media doesn’t like me,” said Saban. “Aight, and I know you guys write what you write, aight, relative to selling papers and generating attention. And yea, I’ve mastered the Dark Side, aight, relative to being able to mind-control people, aight, and dominate.”

“I know what you people expect. And that’s what we’re gon’ do. Aight, dominate. Just like Coach Stallings. Just like Coach Bryant.”

“Y’all want to act like I don’t know what’s expected of me. Like I’ve never spoken to Coach Bryant. I’ve spoken to Coach Bryant. Since I took this job. You guys don’t underestimate, aight, the power of the Force. Aight, I communed with Coach Bryant last night.”

“I told him ‘Coach Bryant, I have come to complete my training.’”

“Aight, and Coach Bryant looked at me and said ‘No more training do you require. Already know you, that which you need.’”

“Aight, so I said, ‘Then I am a legend.’”

“Aight, and Coach Bryant stopped. And then he said:

‘No. Not yet. One thing remains. Auburn. You must confront Auburn. Then, only then, a legend will you be. And confront them you will.’”

Comments

[west coast]

pretty close to brilliant!

[greg]

It is pretty cool how you sperm magnets can't control you urge to keep track of BAMA. Get jobs, and/or a life. What a complete waste of time reading this garbage.

[SEC]

I agree Greg. Don't you just love the envy.

[Southern Pride]

CRAP, as usual.

[cam]

well i think we can all see that Greg hasn't been laid in a while...

[kaya]

You guys take yourselves FAR too seriously if you don't think that's funny. If you are reading this blog just to talk shit about it then obviously you are the ones that need to get lives and/or jobs. We do it because it's funny. What's your excuse, champ?

[The Gump]

Haha, wow. Thanks to CAM (a regular. i appreciate it buddy) and kaya, who seems to grasp this not-taking-things-seriously thing. (kudos sir)

To address:

west coast,

Thank you!! Comments like THAT are ALWAYS appreciated!

----

Greg,

You are the kind of person that people who go to comedy clubs refer to as... someone who shouldn't go to comedy clubs.

Go eat a sandpaper sandwich.

P.S. I have a job, a side career as a stand-up comic and a highly-active sex life.

Which reminds me, get fucked.

----

SEC,

Seriously? Seriously?

P.S. SeriouslY?

P.S.S. You understand satire like Britney understands parenthood.

----

Southern Pride,

Thank you for returning to my blog. I would like to invite you to further return to my blog.

You see Southern Pride (is that a family name?), the "as usual" portion of your brilliant and insightful post would lead me to believe that you DO in fact visit this blog on a regular basis.

So in that regard, thank you. By the way, are you related to Dickey Pride? He is a Tuscaloosa native, as am I. Perhaps we know each other.

Also, the "CRAP" portion of your earth-shattering internet expose, would lead me to believe that you do not like my blog. In which case, I would advise you to search out another one.

Some suggestions:

idontgetit.org

sososerious.net

capslockisforpre-teens.com

yourwifeswallowsjizzbuckets.biz

[Bamastew]

Hilarious. I love it!

[Madison]

I love it! This one was a good as the one you did on the hiring of McElwain and that was great. Keep the good work. You are a funny guy. P.S. Don't pay attention to the comments by people who don't understand satire and good humor.

[Geaux to Hell]

The Dark Side loses in the end. Saban will abandon Bama like Vadar abandoned the dark side at the very end. (I'm aware of how nerdy all this is.)

I can't wait for the LSU/Bama game in Baton Rouge this year. Saban may need to get one of those Pope trucks with bullet-proof glass cause those coon-asses will murder someone when they get drunk.