"Deep Thoughts" : May Edition

Gump4Heisman.com 

One time I watched the NFL Draft while I was on acid. In the 2nd round, Gargamel from the Smurfs came to the podium and announced that, with the n2 overall pick, the Kansas City Chiefs had selected the Guns N Roses album ‘Appetite for Destruction.’ At the time, it seemed like a pretty good pick. But as soon as I sobered up, I thought “I don’t know, that album is kinda overrated.”

I don’t understand why the NBA Draft has a lottery but the NFL Draft doesn’t. That doesn’t make sense. Why do NBA players have to deal with the immoral trappings of a lottery, but NFL players don’t? Is it because more NBA players are black? That’s racist. That makes me so mad. Man, I hate racism and immigrants.  

The problem with the NFL Draft is that they only describe teams' draft picks in two ways: good, or bad. Isn’t that a little black-and-white for 2008? I say, let’s not be shortsighted. I say, let’s know the real story behind that draft pick. Todd: “Mel, what did you think of that last pick?” Mel: “I think this is a dirty, whorish, potty-mouthed draft pick by the Minnesota Vikings, Todd.”  

I don’t understand why it always takes so long for people who get drafted to sign their contracts. Just write out your name. It’s not that hard. Unless your name is a mathematical equation. Then I can see how it’d be pretty hard. Especially if your name is something like $CdV$_outdt = I_b&tanh;(κ(V_in-V_out)2) .
Boy, that’d be tough, wouldn't it, $H(s)\; =\; \int$₀^∞ e^-st h(t) dt ?

What if they added a new round to the NFL Draft? And instead of choosing players, they could choose weaponry. Every team would get one pick. No trades. That way the guys with the last picks in the round would finally win. Because they could just one-up all the other guys. By the end of the draft, the team with the 32nd pick could go up to the team with the 1st pick, and be like ‘Have fun taking out my M1A2 Abrams Tank with those brass knuckles. Pussy.’

One time, I heard someone tell me horse racing was for the birds. Boy, what an idiot.

Instead of always euthanizing the horse, I think sometimes they should euthanize the jockey. Oh wait, that’s murder. Nevermind. I don’t think that.

One time, we all went to the horse track with my uncle, who was a recovered gambler. Right when we got there, he disappeared. Later, he came back and told everyone he had just blown everything he had on Miss Kinsington. We all got mad. But Mr. Kinsington, he got really mad.

In horse racing, it’s always the horse that gets the glory. But in car racing, it’s always the driver that gets the glory. Well who gets all the glory in unicorn racing? Unicorns? Of course not. Unicorns aren’t real.

I think the three most important things for a General Manager to keep in mind when drafting a player is ability, work ethic, and kittens. Ability because the player needs to be athletic. Work ethic because the player needs to be committed. And kittens because they’re cuddly.

Just the other day, I had to go to the bathroom so bad, I went in my pants for the first time in 20-plus years. It was really embarrassing. All these things were running through my mind. ‘What should I do?’ ‘How could this happen?’ And, ‘Why do I only shit my pants when the Celtics are winning?’

Comments

[TD]

sorry bro but Appetite is not overrated

[Shmee]

Mr. Gump, as I sit here and read your various blog entries I cannot help but come to the realization that your wildly derranged blog could only be the outcome of a troubled childhood filled with alcoholic parents, drugs at a young age, various blows to the head, and its very possible you were sexually assaulted. Well either that or you are truely one gifted man (highly unlikely). Bravo.