Roger Clemens: "I Heart Dumpster Pussy"

by ROGER CLEMENS
SPECIAL to Gump4Heisman.com

Hi folks, I’m Roger Clemens.

Perhaps you know me from such noteworthy events as playing for the Red Sox, playing for the Yankees, or being Roger Clemens.

But I’ve come to you today to talk about something else entirely:

Dumpster pussy.

Don’t knock it until you’ve knocked it.

In all those years of watching me gain weight and throw 102 MPH fastballs, you probably never thought ‘Hey, I bet as soon as this game is over, that fellow there is going to slip his engagement ring into his pocket and penetrate a baggy-eyed coke-slut.’

And my, how wrong you would have been.

You see, all of these years Roger Clemens has been known for Cy Youngs. And a rapidly expanding head. But what you guys haven’t known, is that Roger Clemens bags more dumpster pussy than a homeless Brad Pitt.

Dumpster pussy is not to be confused with Grade-A bush. This is the kind of pussy you scraggle together when you’re truckin-for-a-fuckin at 4 in the morning. When you’re in sleazebag mode, which for me is pretty much a 24-hour-a-day gig.

Dumpster pussy. Cheap, Grade-D, poor-quality, makes you regret it afterwards. It’s like the Taco Bell of poontang.

But, nevertheless, it is so much fun for everyone involved. Including the dumpster.

Oh yea, I’ve literally gotten dumpster pussy in a dumpster. Doesn’t always work out that perfect. But when it does, there’s nothing like it. We've all been there. You know, you’re getting’ some dumpster puss off a crack-whore in a back alley on top of a big pile of garbage, and you realize ‘Wow, this is pretty ironic.’

But you can get dumpster pussy anywhere. Bars, hotels, gyms, street corners, museums, clubhouses, middle schools, stadiums, dorm rooms, meth labs, the White House.

Yea, I got dumpster pussy at the White House once. There's nothing like Presidential dumpster pussy. It was when I was with the Yankees. Got a ton of dumpster bush in those days.

So after our World Series win in 2000, we got to go to the White House. And it was a bunch of 'Nice to meet you Mr. President,' 'It's an honor Mr. President,' 'Thank you Mr. President.' That's all it was. At least until me and Dave Justice tagged-team a couple bitches on Clinton’s National Economic Council.

Ah, those were the days. Me and Justice pulling the Batman-and-Robin on some White House vaj. That should have been a porn. You should have recorded a tape of that shit, Nixon. You deceased motherfucker. Because, oh man, your dead ass would have loved that shit.

It was great. Only that goddam Justice got the smoking hot 20-something intern from Savannah. And I got the salty vet. The dumpster queen. And her Willie-Mays-with-the-Mets vagina.

So while Justice is tapping the fucking Vaj Mahal over there, I’m smashing Namath-on-the-Rams gutter pussy. Typical.

That goddam Justice. Why couldn’t I have been busted tapping his ex-wife? Huh? Why did it have to be fatass John Daly’s wife and her garbage-route vagina?

I could see the headlines now: ‘Yankees move to within 4 of Sox; Clemens splooges Berry,’ or ‘Clemens hits 100mph, Halle’s vagina,’ or ‘Gas prices soar as Clemens fucks Halle Berry in her ass.’

Man. That would have made me an even bigger legend. No one would have even cared that I cheated on my wife. Hell, no one would have even cared that I played baseball. They would’ve just been like ‘Wow. That guy fucked Halle Berry. Nice. I wonder what’s on VH1? Hopefully porn.’

Oh well. Back to the topic of dumpster pussy. I know I’m not the only one who smashes dumpster pussy. Who here hasn’t banged a 15-year old country singer? C’mon, c’mon, raise your hands.

Smoltzie, you lying motherfucker. Don’t act like I didn’t see you give Leann Rimes the tomahawk donkey punch after the ’96 NLCS.

What? What?? That was me?

Ohhhhh yea. That was me. Holy shit. Aw. Man.

Good times.

Hey, hey Smoltzie, do you remember that time Klesko accidentally finger-banged a she-male inside the Gold Club? That shit was gross. Literally. What a sick fuck.

Oh wait. Wait. That was me too. Shit.

Whatever. I know I’m not the only one. And you know what, Mindy McReady used to be hot. So, give the Rodge a little credit. Sure, she’s a little bit of a huge druggie whore.

But you know, the Rodge likes his women like he like his martinis. Extra dirty and full of gin. Dumpster-style.

That's right folks, I'm Roger Clemens. And I heart dumpster pussy.