Ah, the off-off-season. The time between spring practice and summer practice.
There’s a lull in practice, a lull on campus, and apparently a lull in blogging since I haven’t written an article since the winter solstice of ’06.
So, now comes the time for recruiting talk. And, Friday. Now comes the time for that too. That and a new haircutter. Now that the bitch cut my hair shorter than a free internet porn clip.
Ahem... and so now, on this Friday, the Gump discusses the sore hot-button topic going through every Auburn fan's mind: the deforestation of trailer parks. If by “the deforestation of trailer parks,” you mean “recruiting.”
With Alabama’s #1 recruiting class already greeting each other on campus, Nick Saban and staff look towards the future. In other words, the 2009 recruiting class.
And Gump4Heisman, fresh off a Fun-Dip-binge induced three-week coma, is ready to go with an intensive look into Alabama's 2009 prospects.
In this highly in-depth, comprehensive recruiting breakdown, the Gump will offer a prediction on the incoming class, analysis of key prospects, and a breakdown of some of the classes’ most impact players.
Chuck Norris, ATH
Bad Guy from “Temple of Doom,” FB
Bill The Butcher, CB
Dalton, CB
Darth Vader, DE
Deebo, DT
Gordon Gecko, QB
Ivan Drago, DE
Jack Links Sasquatch, TE
Jesse “The Body” Ventura, MLB
John McClane, CB
Johnny Lawrence, QB
King Leonidas, SS
Lou Ferrigno, DT
Magua, SS
Mickey the Piker, FS
Paul Bunyan, OG
Ranger Trivette, WR
Scorpion, ???
Seabiscuit, ATH
Skeletor, WR
Steroid-Induced Handshake from “Predator,” ATH
Sub-Zero, ???
Superman, RB/LB
T-1000, ATH
Tecmo Bowl-Jackson, RB
Teen Wolf, RB
The Ultimate Warrior, MLB
William Wallace, CB
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Stud of the Class
Tecmo Bowl-Jackson.
Forget about this guy's Auburn ties. According to our sources, he's 'Bama all-the-way and wants in on the Saban gravy train.
Rivals.com's first ever 6-star, Bowl-Jackson has emerged from humble 8-bit beginnings to become the top RB prospect to come along since the birth of Jesus Christ in 0 AD. Possessing blazing 2.1 40-speed, his quickness - combined with his unheard-of agility and cutback ability - make defenders look foolish. For rility.
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Yes, Bowl-Jackson literally toys with the competition. One look at this film, no doubt on the desk of every high school football coach in America, will tell you why:
- Tecmo Bowl-Jackson Highlight Reel 1 -
But, his success comes at a price. Everyone is after the large target on Bowl-Jackson's back. No, seriously. His would-be tacklers are known to literally double their 40-times when pursuing him.
If there's one question mark to Bowl-Jackson (there isn't), it's that he comes from a very simple offense. His high school playbook is, well, limited. In fact, it consists of 4 plays. "Run 2," "Pass 1," "Pass 2," and the vaunted "Run 1."
Saban gets verbal from Paul Bunyan
Talk about a huge verbal. Literally. 5-star OG Bunyan stands at a ridiculous 11-feet tall.
He is a member of the Rivals100 and the #1 OL prospect in the country. Simply put, he is a beast. Being able to stick Bunyan on the inside of the line should shore up the Tide's offensive line for years to come.
QB Battle to Watch: Gecko v. Lawrence
Johnny Lawrence has never been one to shy away from competition. So the 4-star gunslinger wasn't phased when Rivals250 quarterback Gordon Gecko verbally pledged to the Crimson Tide. It should make for an interesting QB race, should Lawrence choose the Tide as expected.
Lawrence has the confidence, attitude, and natural ability you'd expect from a star SEC quarterback. His coaches praise his toughness and unwavering obedience, claiming he is truly a coach's player.
Gecko reportedly admired Nick Saban's business-like approach to football, and felt like he and the Alabama head man had quite a great deal in common. The closer on his verbal commitment was reportedly Alabama's prestigious business school and MBA program.
Gecko projects as a full qualifier.
3-Star to Keep an Eye On
Superman.
No one's seen much tape on this kid, but he was impressive playing both ways at the recent Nike camp in Tallahassee. The strength the 3-star Krypton prospect Superman displayed at the camp just didn't make sense relative to his slender body frame. One got the sense he was pulling up on his hits to avoid seriously injuring someone.
His camp performance is even more surprising when you consider his pedestrian game film. While certainly adequate, his limited film clips don't blow one away. Still, the competition level at Krypton is high. It was described by one coach as "galactic Florida."
Reports that Superman hurled a football through the stratosphere during warmups remain unconfirmed by the Gump4Heisman staff.
STAFF NOTE: Krypton is also the home of rising 2010 stand-out General Zod.
Academic Issues to Keep Skeletor Off Campus?
According to sources close to the Greyskull prospect, Skeletor has some major work to do in the classroom. How much work remains to be seen. The news comes as a surprise since the blue-skinned He-Man nemesis has always been rumored to be an excellent student.
The talented receiver and animated super-villain would be a big casualty. An early-season Alabama pledge, Skeletor has terrorized backfields, and 80's television screens, ever since he emerged on the scene.
Skeletor currently claims a 17 on the ACT.
Biggest Surprise Commit
Steroid-induced handshake from "PREDATOR"
When Nick Saban got a verbal from the Steroid-Induced handshake from "PREDATOR," it sent shock waves throughout the SEC.
How could Saban land a verbal from a movie scene? And not just any movie scene, but arguably the baddest-ass movie scene of the 1980's?
Many SEC coaches were reportedly left scratching their heads, though Saban and staff were the first to offer the handshake a scholarship. Again, Saban and co. had gotten creative on the recruiting front. Other coaches may have used movie scenes to motivate players. But Saban was the first to ever offer a movie scene a full-ride.
While it is unclear where the scene will fit in on Alabama's crowded depth chart, it is undoubtedly a badass addition to the 85-man, 1-movie-handshake roster.
It's official: this staff is recruiting so lights out, it doesn't even make sense.
Most Quotable Prospect
Jesse "the Body" Ventura.
While the 3-star in-state Ventura isn't as heralded as some of Alabama's other 2008 linebacker prospects, he is no doubt the most fun to interview. A country boy with a vicious hitting streak and confidence to boot, Ventura has the look of an SEC linebacker.
He's also given some of the best quotes of the young recruiting season. Enjoy.
- Ventura: On his tolerance for pain -
- Ventura: On his open fondness for chewing tobacco -
Package Deal likely to hold up
In recruiting, package deals rarely come to fruition. However, Dallas insiders indicate that whoever lands the services of all-world athlete Chuck Norris, will be in, shall we say, excellent position for speedy 6'1" WR Ranger Trivette.
The two are very close friends and have stated the desire to play alongside each other at the next level. Saban has reportedly grown very close to Trivette's family, and is in strong position to land a verbal from the 4-star wideout.
It is going to be tough going pulling this duo from the Longhorns, but if anyone is up to the task, it is Saban, who's ability to shoot lasers from his eyes has reportedly had a big impact on Norris.
Norris is not ranked in the Rivals.com Rivals100. However, he is the only prospect ranked in the prestigious Rivals.com ChuckNorris1.
Things getting crowded at DL
The verbal pledges of Rivals 100 defensive linemen Deebo, Lou Ferrigno (also known as "Hulk"), and Ivan Drago would wrap up defensive line recruiting for most programs. Not Alabama. The coaching staff is still in hot pursuit of 6'5" DE Darth Vader.
The one question mark with Vader is how he will rebound from the horrific injury he sustained in the off-season. Vader, who at one point was leaning heavily towards the Seminoles, saw all three Florida schools back off. But the Alabama staff never let up, even when he was sliced in half by his best friend. Now it's paying dividends.
Vader was impressive enough at camps to win back a lot of good faith, brushing by offensive tackles with little more than the wave of his hand. Needless to say, he has done more than enough to regain his 4-star status.
Drago, Deebo, Ferrigno, Vader. This could be the defensive line of the future for Crimson Tide fans. Impressive. Most impressive.
Don't count out Magua
While some of the other targeted safeties are getting the attention, 5'11" Magua is a terror on the field. Never count out a guy who can literally rip out the heart of an offense.
In Magua's own words, "Magua fuck up wideouts who go over middle."
Still, defensive back is a priority in this class. And it shows. 5'10" CB William Wallace, a relative of former Alabama coach Wade Wallace, committed to Coach Saban and staff back in April. And the Tide still has an excellent shot with cornerbacks Dalton, Bill the Butcher, and John McClane.
FS Mickey the Piker and SS King Leonidas could round out what might be the nation's top DB class, should all the chips fall in place for the Tide.
NOTE: It is still not known whether the 4-star athlete T-1000 will play at safety or WR. He is quite versatile.
Getting in early on 'the Wolf'
Lance Thompson's persistence with 5'6" running back Teen Wolf seems to have paid off. When Thompson spotted the scat back, he was better known as diminutive 3rd-stringer Scott Howard. However, he showed the film to Saban, and Saban offered Howard on the spot, claiming he saw something in the (then) 1-star RB.
The move paid off. Howard's prospects have seen a literal transformation since then, as his emergence as "Teen Wolf" in summer camps has his stock skyrocketing. In the latest rankings, Teen Wolf shot into the Rivals 250, and he's seen offers pour in from USC, Oklahoma, Texas, LSU, Miami, and Nebraska. The 5'6" speedster is seen primarily as a situational back. Mainly during "wolf" outbreaks.
He is reportedly a heavy Alabama lean, in large part because the coaching staff has been on him the longest and was the first to offer.
The coaching staff is selling Teen Wolf on a package in which he will line up under center and take direct snaps.
The formation is dubbed the "Full Moon package."
- GUMP
Creative as hell and hilarious..NICE
Posted by: tom | June 06, 2008 at 10:49 AM
I say scorpion could be a great free safety. If any wr tries to sneak by him he could stand in the middle of the field and use his "get over here" move to prevent any downfield threats (although he might get called for pass interference).
Posted by: rjyh | June 06, 2008 at 02:23 PM
AWESOME!!! That is funny stuff right there. Job well done.
@rjyh:
Remember, a PI call is better than giving up a TD.
Posted by: GooMan | June 09, 2008 at 02:57 PM
Has Saban offered Rambo yet? What's going on with his recruiting, and what about the abominable snowman? Thanks for the updates.
Posted by: Snakebite | June 11, 2008 at 12:53 PM
Awesome....I agree Tecmo Bowl Jackson is the stud of the class. He'd be able to church out a 2,000 yard season even WITH Chris Capps still "blocking" on the O-Line. Wait...check that. He'd have a 3,000 yard season. Why? Because he's Tecmo Fucking Bowl Jackson.
Posted by: Chris | June 11, 2008 at 02:47 PM
Brilliant. Can't wait to see if Vader persuades Boba Fett to come play free safety for the Tide. I heard Fett can really fly to the ball.
Posted by: Doublek | June 17, 2008 at 03:08 PM
Brilliant. Can't wait to see if Vader persuades Boba Fett to come play free safety for the Tide. I heard Fett can really fly to the ball.
Posted by: Doublek | June 17, 2008 at 03:09 PM