Gump For Heisman

AUDIO: Tide Commit Antonio Montana sits down with "The Snake"

This offseason, Alabama fans have had little to celebrate outside of recruiting. Still, if it continues at this pace, Nick Saban's recruiting efforts may be all Alabama fans need. On Thursday, the Tide received yet another star commitment for the 2009 class. 

With Auburn plucking commits away from powerhouses like Toledo, Ball State and The Lady Vols, Alabama has seen the recruiting tables turned. Which makes the commitment of 5'9" DB/RB Antonio Montana that much more important.

It was widely thought that Montana, a fiery yet controversial figure, would stay home and play for the Hurricanes. But the 4-star DB shocked everyone and chose Alabama, seemingly out of nowhere. Literally as soon as the news came across the wire that 3rd-string running back/back-up linebacker/cocaine kingpin Jimmy Johns had been taken off the scene, Montana picked up the phone and told Tide coaches he was ready to come to Tuscaloosa.

Well the good news for Tide fans is, the good news didn't take long. Montana's commitment comes at a perfect time for Tide fans wishing to shrug off the recent scandalous events. 

Gump4Heisman was recently able to arrange for Alabama legend and color broadcaster Kenny Stabler - himself no stranger to controversy - to sit down with Montana and talk business.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ROUGHLY 5-MINUTE UN-EDITED AUDIO CLIP (LANGUAGE WARNING):

Download snake_interviews_montana.mp3

NCAA '09 SPECIAL: The Gump4Heisman 'BAMA Cover

Well, you just can't stay ahead of these things.

Following one of the most earth-shattering arrests in college football history, a University of Alabama linebacker was busted for dealing hard drugs. 

Just today, the disturbing rumors that had surrounded Alabama's Jimmy Johns were proven true. He was arrested on several counts for the distribution of cocaine, shocking allegations that confirmed many 'Bama fans' worst fears. 

I'd be a complete hypocrite if I didn't do something on it. And so now, I will. Because if Ryan Perrilloux deserved it, this sure as hell does. (Attn: 'BAMA fans, don't shoot the messenger.)

I bring you 'Bama's All-New NCAA '09 cover...

Alabama Crimson Tide NCAA '09 Cover:

11 Alternate NCAA 09 Covers

The NCAA Football series.

There is nothing in a 20-something year-old college football die-hard's life that can match the unbridled excitement of it. 

Well, actually, there are lots of things. Beer, vagina, re-runs of Family Guy, this picture, Stouffer's French-Bread pizza, vagina, stumbling upon a classic scene from The Godfather while flipping channels, vagina. Still, it's a pretty fun game. And it's different every year.

OK, so no it's not. 

It's the same fucking game every year. 

All they do is update the senior class, shit out a new draft pick on the front, write a bunch of hackish, slogany catch-phrases for the back, let Lee Corso out of his cage, feed him his meds, lock him in a sound studio, wave a shiny microphone in front of his face, and drag Kirk Herbstreit out of a slutty, smells-like-Woodford-Reserve-and-unprotected-sex sorority house dorm room at 9 A.M. to re-dub the same exact "color" comments from the previous year's game.

But it's special. And with its release only weeks away, Gump4Heisman thought "Why settle for what lame-ass EA Sports gives us?" Why settle for the same?

Why not use the cover to reflect what's REALLY going on in college football? Why not use the cover to have a little fun at some schools' expense? Why not use the cover to selfishly make fun of teams and programs I do not like? Why not use the cover to once again over-promote my favorite school? Why not quit rambling and make with the photoshopping already?

I will, thank you.

And sure, there have been other knock-off covers. Fanboys across the nation fill NCAA Football covers with undeserving fan favorites. But this time... this time it's, well, new. And twisted. And funny. And sick. And over-the-top. And a bit profane. And likely to make you question my mental stability.

In other words: it's pure Gump. 

And before you ask, "Are the covers dominated by SEC schools?" I'll ask you this: Is college football?

OK then. 

Enjoy.

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NOTE: These covers are not high-res, but have been scaled to print to size. So, if you want, print one out and use it when you buy NCAA 09. No charge. Only, when your friend asks where you got it from, send him or her my way. Oh, and click on my damn ads. Mainly, the top one. That's how I make money off this deranged web domain. You no make with the clickie, I no make with the bloggie, capiche?

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We begin...

(CLICK THE IMAGE TO SEE IT FULL-SIZE)

6/24/08 UPDATE: In light of recent UA police blotter, here's a link to an all-new 'BAMA cover. Montana style. (And no, I don't mean "Joe.")

Georgia Bulldogs

Mark Richt. The very name brings to mind words like cleanliness, goodiness, neatiness, and Spaghettios. OK, I'll admit that last one comes to mine probably more because, at the moment, I'm hungry like the Duran Duran. 

Auburn Tigers

What's that sound you hear? It's Tommy Tuberville's recruiting machine in, as Snoop Dogg would say, full motherfuckin' effizect. Tuberville, when he isn't in Arkansas shooting spread pellet, is snatching up every spread-worthy, five-foot nothin, 130-lb. Ruettiger he can find. 

Alabama Crimson Tide

Albert. Means. No two words cause Immedi-Cringe™ on the face of an Alabama fan/myself quite like those two. (OK, well maybe 'Bill. Curry.') SO let's say it again. Albert Means. Albert Means. Albert Means. Dammit me. You barner. 

USC Trojans

Ha. And you thought Alabama used to be dishin' the dirt. If it can be done, it can be done and gotten away with at USC. After all, you know what they say, at USC the rules are made to be ignored. Apparently, the NCAA has no problem with this.

EA Sports shelves plans for ‘Jordan Vs. Kobe’ video game

LOS ANGELES, Ca. (AP) –

Looks like Kobe Bryant’s quest for a legitimate NBA Championship ring wasn’t the only thing to come to a screeching halt Thursday night.

In an emergency midnight press release, plans for the upcoming EA video game Jordan Vs. Kobe have been shelved.

“We can no longer in good faith support this title,” said the release. “We apologize to our fans, the general public, and anyone who believed in the tremendous hype surrounding this game in the first place.”

Basketball fans were clamoring for a Summer game that would’ve matched the Lakers’ current regular-season superstar vs. the Chicago Bulls’ former regular-season and post-season superstar.

This Summer, as it turns out, they’ll have to wait. In line. Behind Batman die-hards, iPhone junkies, and Lakers fans itching for their first post-Shaq championship.

 

 

Coming straight from the Source

“We, uh, we have decided that this game is forever shelved,” said Gregory Hipe, VP of development for EA Sports, when reached for comment. “Everyone was signed on to this game. Stewart Scott, Mike Wilbon, Stephen A. Smith. We needed this game to pan out so bad. The NBA, ESPN, EA, all of us. We tried our best. It’s a shame.”

One EA Sports source, speaking under the condition of anonymity, agreed that rumors of the game were never legit, and were in fact the result of a concentrated agenda to push Bryant into the forefront of American sports lore and re-establish the NBA’s legitimacy. The source placed the blame squarely at the feet of the EA VP.

Hipe, according to the source, was “the only reason the Jordan Vs. Kobe game was ever discussed to begin with.”

 

Looking at the game itself

Jordan Vs. Kobe, meant to reference the popular 1980’s video game Jordan Vs. Bird (pictured), would have pitted Finals Legend Jordan against Semi-Finals legend Bryant in a series of one-on-one contests.

 The contest were to include slam dunk, 3-point shooting, fade-away jump shooting, clutch shooting, and the ChampionshipQuest, in which each player was put to the ultimate test – NBA Finals performance. Each game was won once the player achieved 21 points.

Players could unlock different versions of each player.

For instance, playing as Jordan, fans could unlock multiple versions of the legendary superstar. Examples included Gold-Chain Jordan®, Playoff Jordan®, Air Jordan®, ’89 Jordan®, Shoulder-Shrug Jordan®, Fadeaway Jordan®, 72-and-10 Jordan®, Finals Jordan®, Flu Jordan®, 4th Quarter Jordan®, Game-Winning Jordan®, I-Won-Three-Titles-With-Luc-Longley-At-Center Jordan®, and Chuck Norris Jordan®.

When playing as Bryant, fans could unlock Regular-Season Kobe®, A-Rod Kobe®, Barry-Bonds Kobe®, Dish-It-To-Shaq Kobe®, Horace Grant Kobe®, Toni Kukoc Kobe®, Dwayne Wade Kobe®, Hotel-Concierge Kobe®, Let-Horry-Shoot-It Kobe®, Demand-Shaq-to-be-Traded Kobe®, Demand-Myself-To-Be-Traded Kobe®, One-Upped-by-Paul-Pierce Kobe®, Blame-It-On-The-Refs Kobe®, and 6-for-19 Kobe®. 

GUMP4HEISMAN: Predicting 'BAMA's '09 Signing Class

Ah, the off-off-season. The time between spring practice and summer practice.

There’s a lull in practice, a lull on campus, and apparently a lull in blogging since I haven’t written an article since the winter solstice of ’06.

So, now comes the time for recruiting talk. And, Friday. Now comes the time for that too. That and a new haircutter. Now that the bitch cut my hair shorter than a free internet porn clip.

Ahem... and so now, on this Friday, the Gump discusses the sore hot-button topic going through every Auburn fan's mind: the deforestation of trailer parks. If by “the deforestation of trailer parks,” you mean “recruiting.”

With Alabama’s #1 recruiting class already greeting each other on campus, Nick Saban and staff look towards the future. In other words, the 2009 recruiting class.

And Gump4Heisman, fresh off a Fun-Dip-binge induced three-week coma, is ready to go with an intensive look into Alabama's 2009 prospects.

In this highly in-depth, comprehensive recruiting breakdown, the Gump will offer a prediction on the incoming class, analysis of key prospects, and a breakdown of some of the classes’ most impact players.

The 2008 class was full of badasses. The 2009 class? Well, let's take a look...

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