"Deep Thoughts," The Nick Saban Edition

Have you heard that horror story? About the guy who is really good in college but then leaves college for the pros but then doesn’t like the pros so he goes back to college when he gets the job at Alabama? You probably haven’t. It’s not really a horror story unless you’re an Auburn fan. Man, I love that fairy tale.

 

 

 

 

I think one thing that probably happened is that one day, Nick Saban went on a hike. And on that hike, I think he coached-up an anthill. I bet he really got those ants believing in themselves. I bet he coached those ants right out of that hill. Then I bet he stepped on them.

 

 

 

 

I have a scientific theory that whenever Nick Saban is out-recruited, he morphs into a giant green monster and smashes things. People call me an idiot when I tell them, but I don’t care. Besides, like we’ll ever find out.

 

 

 

 

If Nick Saban were a turtle, wow. Most intense turtle ever.

 

 

 

 

One time my uncle, who is a big LSU fan, said he loved Nick Saban. Then, not long after, he said he hated Nick Saban, and he threw all his Nick Saban pictures away. Hmm, I wonder if Nick Saban fucked my uncle’s wife.

 

 

 

 

Nick Saban once made an NFL football player cry. But the real question still stands: Could Nick Saban make a T-Rex cry? I think ‘yes.’

 

 

 

 

One thing I’ve noticed is that whenever Nick Saban is at a podium by himself, he never says ‘I.’ He answers every question with ‘we.’ At first I was like ‘Is Nick Saban French?’ Then I was like ‘Yea right. Nick Saban, a ‘yes’ man?’

 

 

 

 

According to my cousin, exactly 72 hours prior to National Signing Day, Nick Saban lights ups and flashes like Super Mario on Star Power. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling my cousin a liar? Because if you are, good call. My cousin is so full of shit.

 

 

 

 

If Nick Saban were a color, it would probably be ‘Grrr.’

 

 

 

 

I’ll never forget the time LSU and Nick Saban beat Kentucky on a last-minute hail mary. They called it the ‘Bluegrass Miracle.’ But what they probably should have called it was ‘Boy LSU must’ve really sucked a fat ass that year because they needed a hail mary to beat Kentucky.’ That’s what I would’ve called it. Then again, I call raisins “fuckface grapes,” so I’m probably just an asshole.

 

 

 

 

Last year, my kids asked me if I could raise their allowances. I told them, the day someone can take me back to the 1970’s, I’ll quadruple it. Thanks a lot, Nick Saban.

 

 

 

 

My roommate is a big Auburn guy. When Alabama hired Nick Saban, I kept joking that he better be afraid. I even said that the only thing that could stop Nick Saban would be wearing garlic cloves around your neck. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have said all that. No, really. My apartment smells like shit.

 

 

 

 

One thing I think, is that dinosaurs probably aren't extinct at all. I bet what really happened is, they all got recruited to other planets by Nick Saban.

 

 

 

 

I bet Nick Saban really does have laser eyes. But I bet they’re not as sinister as everyone thinks they are. I bet they’re more of like, a convenience thing. Like when Nick Saban’s wife is using the kitchen but Nick Saban wants to microwave a pop tart, he probably remembers, “oh hey, laser eyes.”

 

 

 

 

Once, I heard an opposing fan call Nick Saban ‘overpaid.’ I was sitting in the Alabama section, but none of us said anything back. We just looked at each other, smiled, and nodded. We were all thinking the same thing: “I bet Nick Saban buys that guy’s company and fires him.”

 

 

 

 

No one really knows what happened in Auburn, Ala. the day Nick Saban was hired. But I bet it was a lot like the movie Dawn of the Dead. I bet people just started biting each other for no reason. Then they were all like “Fuck it. Let’s go to the mall.” 

 

Comments

[Bob]

we only get a new post about once every couple of weeks...looked forward to it being good...this one just kinda sucked and left me scratching my head

[Jesse W.]

Very interesting post, not sure what to make of it...

Jesse W.
http://www.churchofcowherd.com

[GUMPS GREATNESS]

Hey you guys from the last two post.....What are yall Auburn fans? If you didnt find that hilarious then this site is not for you...leave before Saban makes you cry

[gnome]

Where's the fucking monkey, I want his thoughts. Rock on Gump. I mean Monkey.

[Elvis]

this sites when to shit....im checking out towerofbammer.com....freaking hillarious

[BIGBAMAJ]

Don't listen to these beeeaches. That was some funny shit.

That being said I must ask, why do you torture us so? Now I know you said you were busy and we are all happy for you and with you much success but PLEASE find time for The Monkey. I'm having withdrawals man.

[bamabasspro20]

you guys are tools, that shit was hilarious, looking forward to the next post, RTR

[Brad]

Towerofbammer.com is fucking retarded. It's a lot like watching Pineapple Express. I'm sure it would be funny if you were either Stoned, Drunk, or 10.

Keep up the good stuff and bring back the Monkey and PacMan

[Thomas]

That was the dumbest thing I have ever read!!!! Whoever doesn't like Nick Saban is simply a HATER!!!!!!! He is a great coach, give him some credit!!