"Canned I Am" - A Poem from Phil Fulmer

Canned I am,

To my own ill.

Did you hear?

They canned Fat Phil.

 

I am canned.

Yes I am.

I am crying on the cam.

 

I am canned,

Canned I am.

I do not like it.

I love ham.

Do you like them without pause,

Do you like the UT Vols?

 

I do not like them,

Canned I am.

I do not like them,

Man-for-man.

I was canned by trustee troll.

I was canned by popular poll.

I was canned right from my goal.

I was canned right from my role.

I was canned from the job I stole.

 

Did you steal it,

Canned-I-am?

Did you steal it,

From within the fam?

 

I stole it just as I planned.

I stole it for two hundred grand.

I stole it before the UT band.

I stole it before the UT stands.

I stole it right from Johnny’s hands.

 

I stole it because I had the balls.

I stole it to coach the UT Vols.

 

 

Will you coach them in a bowl?

Will you coach them up the poll?

 

I will not coach them in a bowl,

I will not coach them up the poll.

I will not coach them in the rain.

I will not coach them in a game.

I will not coach them to a loss.

I will not coach them as the boss.

I will not coach them run the ball.

I will not coach them, not at all.

 

I would not, could not, win a game

I would not, could not, take the blame

I would not, could not, if I tried.

I would not, could not, so I cried.

 

I could not, could not, save my hide.

I could not, could not, stop the Tide.

 

I am not happy.

I am full of regret.

I am not hungry.

Is it Thanksgiving yet?

 

Did you rat them,

Canned-I-am?

Did you rat them to the man?

 

I tried to rat them to my pop,

I tried to rat them to a cop.

I tried to rat them so they’d flop.

I tried to rat them so they’d drop.

I tried to rat to make them stop.

They tried to out-cheat Rocky Top!

 

Who will give my boys their aid?

Who will make sure they are paid?

 

Will you help them,

Canned-I-am?

Will you help them, to a man?

 

I will not cheat them to a sale.

I will not cheat them out of jail.

I will not cheat them to not ‘Fail.’

I will not cheat them to make bail.

 

I will not buy them an Escalade.

I will not buy them to get paid.

I will not buy them a good grade.

How much for the marmalade?

 

 

Can you coach them,

Canned-I-am?

Can you coach them,

Ever again?

 

I cannot coach them,

Canned I am.

I cannot coach them,

Worth a damn.

 

I cannot coach them like a hick.

I cannot coach them like in a flick.

I cannot coach them vs. Richt.

I cannot coach them at Red Stick.

I cannot coach them vs. Nick.

I cannot coach them worth a lick.

 

I cannot rat when teams out-cheat.

I cannot bring myself to eat.

I cannot leave this KFC.

I cannot drink enough gravy.

 

I will drink it when I foam.

I will drink it when in Rome.

I will drink it in a Dome.

I will drink it in a halfway-home.

 

Canned I am, I can’t believe.

Stung I am, by bright-orange bees.

Canned I am, right to my knees.

Two more orders of cheese-biscuits please.

Comments

[tiderise]

absolutely hilarious.

[gnome]

Still not the fucking monkey.

[RBS]

Classic! Glad to see you producing great satire again!

[Ghost of Neyland]

This is very, very funny.

And it's very convenient for you to forget how he owned y'all's ass forever.

Fo-evah!

In the record books, and in life, Phillip Fulmer will forever own Alabama. Live with that. You'll have to.

[GUMP]

Glad you liked it.

There are two Fulmers.

One went 7-1-1 against Alabama from 1993-2001, when UT was on top of the world.

But as soon as Saban and LSU took the Vols out of the title game in '01, Fulmer's run was up and Tennessee was never elite again.

From 2002-2008, Fulmer was 3-4 against Alabama. That included 34-14, 41-17, and 29-9 losses.

And in his last 4 years, Fulmer was 1-3 against Alabama. And Alabama got him fired. Or at least, his last blowout loss to Alabama was the last straw in what got him fired.

Not exactly ownage.

[Bama WoodyJr 42]

Ghost of Neyland did you not read this damn poem ... it's called probation .. Phil was a pig in an orange sweater that was squeelin ..imma tell you like a vol fan told me about the bear .. dont live in the past .. we are #1 and tennessee probably wont win another game this year .. saban has gotten 2 coaches fired this year tubby might be 3 .. they were sabanted by the sabanator .. HAHAHAHAHA GUMP RULES

[Hoven]

Actually dude, your stats may be off. I think the Tide is 4-4 from 2002-2008. I think you are forgetting the 6-3 win in 2005 (aka "Rocky Stop"). Don't want the record to be inaccurate. Roll Tide!!!

[Yo Momma]

Gump is back! Bring on the janks!
I think we have Phat Phil to thank.
While Tigers burn Nick in effigy,
The Tide's kickin' butt in the SEC.
Gump's satire is flowin' like green eggs & ham,
All's well in T-town, and thankful I am.

[rabidvolfan]

I loved it