"Why Nick Saban Should Never Smile"

The other day, I heard a lady say that since Alabama is undefeated and #1 in the country, she wished Nick Saban would smile every now and then.

I remember thinking at the time, ‘Bitch, is you crazy?’

Nick Saban, smile? Who could suggest such a thing?

Nick Saban should never, ever smile. 

Ever. 

The very thought of Nick Saban smiling is disastrous to humanity.

If you think that sounds crazy, think about the children.

What if a small child saw Nick Saban smile? While he was building a treehouse? And then what if he thought ‘Eh, I’ve done enough.’ And then what if he thought ‘I’m going to sit back and enjoy my treehouse.’ And then what if he tried to climb his unfinished treehouse and broke his leg?

Do you want small children to break their legs? Then don’t ask Nick Saban to smile.

 

What if a 5-star saw Nick Saban smile? He would probably turn into a 4-star. And then he would be content with that, until he turned into a 3-star. And then he would be content with that, until he turned into an Auburn commit.

If Nick Saban started smiling all the time, what’s to stop the Earth’s crops from slacking off and getting content? Huh? So the next time you’re eating your food and watching Sportscenter and you think, ‘That Nick Saban’s a jerk,’ you shut your mouth and be grateful for that potato.

Did you ever think maybe that’s what happened to Eddie Murphy? You know, he made Raw and Delirious and Beverly Hills Cop and Trading Places. And then he made Coming to America. And then Nick Saban probably went to see it. And during the movie, Nick Saban probably let up and smiled.

Poof: Pluto Nash.

We all know the state of Louisiana owes a lot to Nick Saban. But what if they owe him even more than we think? What if, instead of “finishing” the continent, our forefathers had seen Nick Saban smile and let up?

Bye bye, Louisiana Purchase. I guess 13 states is “good enough.”

Why should Nick Saban never smile? 

Because I like having 50 stars on the American flag, thank you very much.

If Nick Saban went around smiling, imagine the effect it would have on our animal species.

What if cheetahs stopped buying into the process? 

What would they do then, jog?

What if they got fat and happy and stopped hunting altogether?

Then what if ostriches got overpopulated and took over the planet? And then what if they got really pissed when they found out about ostrich jerky? And then what if they enslaved humans and learned how to talk and ride horses and capture Charlton Heston?

Do you want to see ostriches to take over the Earth?

Do you want to see your entire family enslaved by a bird that runs like a complete fag?

Do you want to see a Hollywood remake of the whole thing starring Marky Mark?

God no. This is why Nick Saban must never smile.

What if Michael Jordan had seen Nick Saban smile? And then just said, ‘You know what Scottie? One championship is enough. You up for 18 holes?’

If Michael Jordan hadn’t “finished,” Charles Barkley would probably have three rings. Then he would really never shut up.

Then instead of running for governor, he would probably run for president. Then he probably would win. Then President-elect Barkley would probably gamble away the US Treasury on a halftime line.

Do you want President-elect Barkley to bet the Statue of Liberty on a Little League World Series game? 

Do you want Canada to win the Grand Canyon in a game of craps? 

Do you want to lose Hawaii to France over a game of dice?

Do you want the U.S. to lose everything?

Do you want to see the Round Mound of Impound?

Then don’t ask Nick Saban to smile.

Nick Saban should never smile because look at the state of the economy.

Nick Saban should never smile because look at the state of the Indiana Jones franchise.

Nick Saban should never smile because look at the state of Oprah Winfrey’s ass.

Nick Saban should never smile because… penguins.

I don’t want penguins getting any ideas. Especially after what happened with ostriches.

Nick Saban should never, ever, ever, ever smile.

 

Think about this: What if Nick Saban smiled in the mirror?

And then what if Nick Saban saw Nick Saban smile? And then maybe Nick Saban himself would stop buying into the process.

What would happen then?

Aight, life as we know it could completely break down.

What would happen if the Sun started looking ahead to next week?

If the Earth’s gravitational pull started playing down to the competition?

If the planet’s ecosystem started standing around and looking at the scoreboard?

If H₂0 quit being responsible for it’s own self-determination?

What would happen then? 

Before you’d know it, there’d be no sunlight, there’d be no plants, there’d be no water, and the Earth’s entire population would slowly float off in space to suffocate and die.

So the next time you think about Nick Saban smiling, think again.

Think about the consequences.

Comments

[EuroTide]

great read once again!

Roll Tide!

[dave]

i just hope to God nick saban doesn't read this, because he might think about smiling

[Riker7]

Only after God created Nick Saban did He rest. And smile.

[joey]

Every time I think of what a complete waste of a human being Nick Saban is -- it makes me smile

[DJ]

Riker 7 - Saban will get the last smile.

[Berman]

possibly the funniest thing I've ever read....even better than "Why do LSU fans smell like corndogs".