Gump4Heisman's "Guerilla-Style Auburn-Coaching-Search Parody"

Guerilla warfare. Hit and run. Strike and hide. Random. Ass. Attack.

That’s the name of the game in today’s Guerilla-Style Auburn Coaching Search Parody.

Some cutting satire in here (and some language), so not for the easily-offended. (But, you wouldn't be here if you were easily-offended, would you?)

The rest of you, ENJOY.

 

Gump4Heisman’s "Official Jay Jacobs X-Ray"

CLICK HERE:

Officially-Licensed Jay Jacobs X-Ray.

 

 

Top 10 teams Gene Chizik has beaten:

 

1) South Dakota State

2) Kansas State

3) Iowa

4) Colorado

5) Kent State

6)

7)

8)

9)

10)

 

 

Gump4Heisman’s #1 Thing That Rhymes with “Chizik”:

“Disaster”

 

 

Officially-Licensed 2008 Auburn Fan Poem:

 

These damn Bammers live in the past,

These last six years, oh what a blast.

They came and went, oh so fast

Is Alabama’s leg still in a cast?

 

I knew that shit wouldn’t last

I can’t believe we’ve been surpassed.

How, how, how did they outlast

Secretaries, coaches, strippers harassed?

 

No more lenses blue-and-orange glassed

Lord Saban’s armies, they have amassed

With recruiting classes way too vast

For my ‘Bama-hatin, Lee County ass.

 

Here is Saban, barely two years have passed

How does one little man = one big contrast?

Every time I watch ‘Bama, I sit there aghast

The role of little brother has just been recast.

 

I can’t even watch, I’m tired and I’m gassed,

I’d like to cancel my service, is this Comcast?

 

 

Three Movies Not in Bobby Lowder’s Netflix Queue

 

1)

 

2) 

 

 

3)

Three Auburn-specific Britney Spears Choruses:

 

“Sabanized, Saban-Sabanized,

You’ve been Sabanized.

Oh, Sabanized, oh

You were Sabanized baby.

 

You, you, you were

You, you, you were

Sabanized, Sabanized,

Sabanized.”

 

----------

 

“I’m a, slaaaaaaaaaaave, for you

Who do you wanna fire, who do you wanna hire?

I’m a, slaaaaaaaaaaave, for you

Just tell me Mr. Lowder, so long as he’s white as powder”

 

----------

 

“Oops, I did it again!

I played up probation, got lost in the streak,

Oh Saban, Saban

Oops! You fit like a glove,

Were you sent from above?

I’m not, that, relevant.”

 

 

 

Gene Chizik’s Top 3 things to eat before a speech:

 

Corn

 

Cheese

 

Wheelbarrows of bullshit

 

 

 

Gump4Heisman presents: 

"Top 3 best-selling hats in Auburn, Ala."

 

#3)

 

#2)

#1)

 

 

People who have a higher career winning percentage than Gene Chizik:

 

Lee Corso

Mike DuBose

Terry Bowden

Mike Shula

Joe Kines

Turner Gill’s wife

Bad guys in PG movies

 

 

Top 2 Most Popular Phrases in Auburn, Ala. :

2) “War Eagle”

1) “Ni__er”

 

 

In Honor of Gene Chizik v. Nick Saban: 

"OTHER TOP MISMATCHES IN HISTORY"

 

John Lithgow v. Sylvester Stallone, Cliffhanger

Just the name says it all. Stallone vs. Lithgow. Rambo vs. Third Rock From The Sun. Over The Top vs. Orange County. Cobra vs. Harry and the Hendersons.

In terms of pure testosterone, and not taking into account movie quality, this one isn’t even close. We’re talking right crosses, not Rotten Tomatoes. And Lithgow’s high-thespian accent reeks of “I had my face beaten in as a kid.” Whereas Stallone’s grumbly, tough guy accent reeks of “I had my face beaten in as an adult.”

Stallone v. Lithgow. This is like Schwarzenegger v. Tim Robbins. Chuck Norris v. Dustin Hoffman. The Rock v. James Franco. The Godfather II v. The Godfather III.

BLOW-OUT.

 

Obi-Wan Kenobi v. Darth Vader II, Star Wars

This was a mismatch not of ability, but of age. By the time these two titans faced off again, Obi-Wan had aged less like a Golden God and more like Goldie Hawn.

Something tells me that if black people exist in the Star Wars universe beyond Lando Calrissian and Jar Jar Binks, they have to get their hair cut. Hence, intergalactic barbershops. Where they probably have arguments like this one:

 

Clarence: You must be out yo goddamn mind! Obi-Wan Kenobi is the greatest Jedi that ever lived. I'll be with you boys in a minute. He was better than Yoda, he was better than the Emperor, and that new dude, what's his name, Luke Skywalker, looks like an SEC frat boy, he was better than him too.

Saul: What about Darth Vader?

Clarence: Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout Jedi, the Empire got to pull Darth Vader out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Darth Vader. Darth Vader. Let me tell you something once and for all. Darth Vader was good, but compared to Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Vader ain't shit."

Saul: He beat Obi-Wan’s ass!

Sweets: That's right he did whoop Obi-Wan’s ass.

Clarence: Obi-Wan was 137 years old!

 

Ambrose Burnside v. Robert E. Lee, The Battle of Fredericksburg

As if things weren’t bad enough for Ambrose Burnside for having a name like Ambrose Burnside, he also had his teeth kicked in by a non-existent country. Yep, at Fredericksburg ol’ Burnsie suffered one of the most lop-sided defeats in American military history, as the Union had 12,653 casualties to the Confederacy’s 5,377.

Much like the Alabama-Auburn rivalry going forward, this was one-sided domination by a military genius, aided by a complete incompetent leading the other side into battle.

Reports that Lee tea-bagged Burnside in his sleep the night after the battle are as of yet unconfirmed. Multiple attempts by Gump4Heisman to reach Burnside for comment were unsuccessful.

 

Carl Weathers v. Ivan Drago, Rocky IV

Throw in the goddam towel, Stallone. This one’s getting ridiculous.

Your buddy is getting pounded like a slutty Kappa. And it’s especially embarrassing considering that, just minutes beforehand, this same buddy was dancing like Tom Cruise on Oprah.

Seriously, in Rocky IV Carl Weathers gets beaten like an adolescent penis. Completely one-sided. Anyone else ever wondered ‘How the fuck did Carl Weathers train for this fight?’ By watching Lifetime and crying? For God’s sake, his trainer is Rocky Balboa. How did they both let it get to the point where he not only gets killed, he gets killed.

So let me get this straight, when Carl Weathers fights Rocky, Carl Weathers wins the first fight, and loses the second fight by one second. Yet when Carl Weathers and Rocky fight Russian dudes, Carl Weathers gets murdered in the 2^nd round and Rocky wins by TKO? What the fuck?

Anyways, the scene at the end of this one =’s Carl Weathers’ corpse lying face-down on the ground. Having back spasms.

 

Carl Weathers v. The Predator, Predator

In the 1980’s, Carl Weathers just couldn’t catch a break. Two years after being beaten to death by a 6’5” Communist with spiked hair, Carl Weathers runs afoul of an invisible 6’11” alien with dreads.

Ivan Drago? Shit, that was child’s play for Carl Weathers compared to this one. This time around, Carl Weathers has his arm exploded – mid machine-gun fire, mind you – by a red laser. Then Carl Weathers is impaled by an invisible bayonet, lifted into the air, and – presumably – has his skull and spine ripped from his lifeless body, only to be cleaned and stored in a treehouse.

Ouch. I’ll take a sweaty back-spasm death any day over this one.

 

Carl Weathers v. the alligator in Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore

Poor Carl Weathers. It’s one thing to die in a Sylvester Stallone movie. It’s another thing to die in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. But kicking the can in an Adam Sandler movie? That just doesn’t happen unless you’re Carl Weathers.

Most people get in an Adam Sandler movie and the worst they suffer is critical rejection. Carl Weathers gets in an Adam Sandler movie and gets killed by a stuffed alligator. WTF?

List of people, since the history of time, who have been killed by stuffed alligators:

 

1)    Captain Hook

2)    Carl Weathers

 

What is it with Carl Weathers constantly losing body parts to dark-green creatures? Something tells me if Carl Weathers were in a Jurassic Park movie, he would have his balls clawed off by a raptor.

--------

 

Carl Weathers: “I tried to go to Auburn. But I couldn’t get the job.”

 

Happy Gilmore: “Why, because you were black?”

 

Carl Weathers: “Hell no, damned alligator bit my hand off!”

 

 

Q: "Magic 8-ball, does Bobby Lowder still refer to Muhammad Ali as “Cassius Clay”?"

A:

 

 

 

Greatest Hip-Hop Artists of All-Time

(As selected by Auburn University):

 

#3) Vanilla Ice

 

Vanilla Ice, and Jimmy Rayne, cook pounds of bacon on the reg.

 

 

#2) Aaron Carter

 

GOAT? Greatest. Of. All. Time? No one can speak on the realness of the streets like Aaron Fucking Carter. 

 

#1) Snow

 

"Informer!" (No, not Eric Ramsey.)

 

 

Fun With Numbers (& Gene Chizik):

 

Gene Chizik’s career record is 5-19. That’s a pretty good record if you’re trying to get laid, and a horrible record if you’re trying to coach football. In 2008, Gene Chizik went 2-10. Awesome. Let’s play Fun With Numbers!

 

2-10:

In 2006, Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Josh Towers went 2-10 with an 8.42 ERA, one of the worst seasons by a pitcher in MLB history. In 2007, he was voted #3 on the list of worst Blue Jays pitchers of all-time.

According to baseballreference.com, he was not subsequently offered a job at Auburn.

5-19:

In 1952, Detroit Tigers pitcher Virgil Trucks went 5-19. After the season, he found out he had been traded. By reading it in the newspaper.

Ironically, on Monday, that’s how most Auburn fans found out they were totally fucked.

 

Other famous 5-19’s:

 

May 19^th, 1994: Jackie Kennedy Onassis passes away. Coincidentally, the last time Auburn led the head-to-head series with Alabama was in 1963, the year her husband was assassinated in the head.

 

May 19^th, 1935: T.E. Lawrence, the real-life “Lawrence of Arabia,” is killed in a motorcycle wreck. Coincidentally, 73 years later Auburn Football would be killed in a train wreck.

 

May 19^th, 1536: Anne Boleyn, the 2^nd wife of Henry VIII, is beheaded. Interestingly, wives of Henry VIII have a higher success rate than head coach Gene Chizik. (2-out-of-6 (33%) vs. 5-out-of-24 (20.8%)). Way to go ladies!

 

DID YOU KNOW?

 

- If you multiply Gene Chizik’s winning percentage by four, it comes out to .832, which is 8 points higher than Paul “Bear” Bryant’s winning percentage at Alabama (.824). War Eagle!

 

- Tommy Tuberville was fired for winning 5 games. Gene Chizik was hired for winning 5 games.

 

- Nick Saban-Gene Chizik 2008 regular season win/loss differential: Saban (+12), Chizik (-8) = Nick Saban, +20.

- If Gene Chizik’s winning percentage (20.8) were a person, it would not be able to legally drink.

 

Comments

[bama jamma]

Brilliant! You've outdone yourself once again! Kudos to G4H!!

[EuroTide]

great stuff ! thanks !

[OG]

The KKK hood is the highest selling hat anywhere in the festering backwoods trailerpark known as the State of Alabama.

[GUMP]

OG,

Maybe so. I live in ATL now, but Ala. definitely has problems, no doubt. But UA is an actual place of higher learning with a much more diverse student dynamic. Auburn almost lost their accreditation partly due to having one of the lowest diversity rates in the SEC.

And only in Auburn do you see things like this:

Actual photo from AU fraternity party: http://radgeek.com/gt/images/au-halloween-lynching.jpg

^ - Clear evidence that evolution has hit a snag.

[Joe Kidd]

If you ever stop updating this, I'll hunt you down and kill you. This was very funny. And mostly because most of it's true.

[Beau]

Hey now. Iowa is easily the best team he's beaten.

[3rd Down H-Back]

Love the Jay Jacobs x-ray

[AUBARNIE]

Great stuff! I LOVE AUBARN!

[Randy]

I miss you.

[NeoAtari]

What happened to you? This site is barren now...

[Brian]

I agree. You've got to come out of hiding. There have been plenty of things to make fun of in the off season.