A Handy Guide on How to Keep Your Job in a Post-Saban Era
We’re all worried.
You have to worry about the Dow Jones, you have to worry about the economy, and now you have to worry about 5’7” workaholics getting you fired.
In September 2007, Nick Saban coached his first game at Alabama. Flash forward 15 months, and nearly half the coaches in the SEC (5) have been fired. Ah, “The Process.” As far as SEC fanbases go, loved by one, hated by many.
What has happened to all these men?
What do you call it?
Sabanized?
Processed?
Those terms don’t capture the sheer breadth of the whole thing. This is massive. This is widespread. There is panic. There is fear. There is Saban.
We are, my friends, in the midst of The Great Procession.
But don’t fret. With Gump4Heisman’s handy guide to handling The Great Procession, you’ll learn how to deal with what’s happened, how to avoid the pitfalls, how to keep your job, as they say, “Safe from Saban,” and how to emulate the best to be the best.
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People are dropping like flies. Is Saban going to come after us too? Are we all doomed? Should we all head out to Californee in search of free potato soup/internet?
Is the Post-Saban Apocalypse upon us?
Do not fear. To avoid being like the men pictured above, you can follow these simple steps.
WARNING: Gump4Heisman.com offers you no safe haven from Saban. In fact, you will probably be fired by Nick Saban 7-12 minutes after reading this Guide to Not Being Fired By Nick Saban. This Guide simply reduces the risk that Nick Saban is going to floss his teeth with your 401k. (Firing Probability before reading this article: 100%; Firing Probability after reading this article: 99.999%)
Step #1: Put “Black Wednesday” behind you.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007.
Or, as the rest of college football knows it, “Black Wednesday.”
Not The Day the Earth Stood Still.
The Day The Earth Paced Frantically And Didn’t Have Time For This Shit.
The day Nick Saban was hired. The day the SEC West crashed. The day every head coach in the Southeast had a Tony Soprano-like panic attack. People in Auburn, AL jumping from tall buildings. People in Baton Rouge, LA cursing the day. People in Tuscaloosa, AL having alcoholic parades.
Of course, many of us didn’t feel the effects of Black Wednesday until as recently as a few months ago. But now that those stockpiles of (blue) chips are down, now that you’ve gone through what you had left in the tank, it has begun.
The first step to moving on with your life is to put this day behind you.
Every time you think of January 3, 2007, Gump4Heisman advises bowing your head in remembrance and - above all - staying strong.
Unless you live in Tuscaloosa. In which case Gump4Heisman advises pouring a glass of champagne and having sex with your wife.
Step #2: Beware the rise of national demagogues.
Auburn, AL… listen up.
Everything has crashed. We know you have reached desperate times. Things indeed look bleak. But remember what happened in Germany. (Two words: Adolf. Hitler.)
Look, just because the walls are crumbling, just because the higher-ups ousted your trusted party leader in a military-coup, don’t put your trust into a smooth-talking false prophet. Next thing you know, you might hire a 33-year old with no resume.
Sure, he’ll rally you around a microphone and promise you everything you want to hear. He’ll yell and shout and clinch his fist, and you’ll be with him in every step. (‘Hail Der Kiffin!’)
He’ll point fingers at Uncle Nick and tell you he will take down the red & white armies. You’ll hail his name, rejoice, and hand him the keys to the empire. (‘For king, for country, for Rocky Top!’)
But the Armies of Saban are coming. Their recruitment will know no boundaries. Their star ratings will have no limits. Their arrows will blot out the sun.
And four years later, with the Armies of Saban surrounding your false prophet, he will realize the end is near… and put a bullet in his head before someone he trusts beats him to the punch.
Tip A: Calculating Deflation
With Saban in town, SEC win deflation is to be expected.
Most SEC schools need only deduct one win per season, or - if you like - the total number of times you play Alabama per season. (For one (un)lucky SEC East team, this could mean twice/year.)
Auburn fans should use the following formula to deduct win deflation:
X = Saban
X > you.
If you aren’t math-handy (you did go to Auburn), in order to calculate the effect of Nick Saban on Auburn’s program, simply take this 2-question multiple-choice exam:
MULTIPLE CHOICE - Wh?
NICK SABAN; AUBURN FOOTBALL:
A) iceberg; Titanic
B) atomic bomb; WWII
C) shotgun; Kurt Cobain
D) 2008; the economy
E) Bear Bryant; Auburn football
In the 2008 Iron Bowl, Nick Saban heavily influenced which of the following Auburn scoring drives?
A)
B)
C)
D)
E) All of the above.
Tip B: Calculating Inflation
(This only applies to Tuscaloosa/University of Alabama fans.)
The formula for win inflation is as follows:
1. (sum of Shula * 2 = sum of Saban)
2. (deduct loss total from both columns)
3. (equalize columns)
4. (adjust trophy factor)
ex:
(6-6 (* 2) = 12-0)
6 * 2 = 12
12 = 12
12 = 13
So, you still have a job? Congrats! Here’s how to keep
it.
4 TIPS ON HOW TO AVOID GETTING FIRED BY NICK SABAN:
Tip #1: Don’t be named ‘Tommy.’
People named Tommy are fired as a result of Nick Saban at a much higher rate than people not named Tommy.
In fact, according to the SEC main office, referred to in some circles as “Nick Saban’s garage,” people named Tommy are twice as likely to fall victim to the Procession.
If your name is ‘Tommy,’ Gump4Heisman recommends legally changing your name to something more inconspicuous. Like ‘Nick Saban’s Bitch.’
Tip #2: Don’t be fat.
If you are eating something while reading this, stop. Put it down. With every bite, you are more and more likely to fall victim to The Great Procession, just like The Great Pumpkin.
Being fat leads doubles your chances of being fired. And if you think things will be okay because you’re fat AND black, think again. Might want to ask Mr. Croom about that one.
Tip #3: Don’t be skinny.
Eat up, bulimia boy.
Skinny people are 50% more likely to be fired as a result of direct contact with Nick Saban.
From Bowden to Tuberville, rain-thin coke whores are falling by the wayside. So if your figure looks like Keira Knightly in Pirates of the Caribbean, go to McDonald’s twice.
The good news? People with tiny-ass bones are getting jobs because of Nick Saban too. Isn’t that right, Dabo?
Tip #4: Don’t have big ears.
Seriously. This one is important. You must have normal-sized ears to survive the Nickpocalypse.
Without small to medium-sized ears, your chances are slim to none. And Slim just got skullfucked 36-0.
I cannot overemphasize this. If you have oversized ears, think like a transvestite and tuck.
Your new business plan: Don’t try to compete with Nick Saban.
To rational people, the very notion of this needn’t even be said and makes zero sense. Who would say ‘I’m going to try and compete with Nick Saban’? It is like saying ‘I’m going to get a job as an 18-wheeler.’
But some people are insane. They hold crazy, delusional notions like ‘The Earth revolves around Antarctica,’ ‘The Sun is my bff’ or ‘I ain’t scared of Nick Saban.’
Should these people be locked up? Of course. But this is America. Where people like Tom Cruise are allowed to roam free. And jump on couches. And make English-speaking movies about Nazi Germany. And be gay. And marry the entire cast of Dawson’s Creek to distract everyone from the fact that he is a penis magnet.
So if Tom Cruise is acceptably bat-shit, what’s to stop Tom Tuberville from going off his rocker and thinking he can compete with Nick “Danger” Saban?
Nothing. It’s happened at Auburn, Clemson, Tennessee. Even Mississippi State. Many say it’s happening now at LSU.
Trying to compete with Nick Saban can lead to disastrous results. Such as hiring a Division IV spread coordinator to run your Power-I offense, scheduling Alabama in the Georgia Dome or keeping Les Miles.
If your business in any way has a conflict of interest with Nick Saban, be warned. Either change businesses, or suffer the consequences.
Read this VERY carefully:
Do not try to compete with Him. It isn’t worth it. Just kick the soccer ball in your own net and go home.
Your new business plan, Part 2: Relocate your office.
If your office is located within a 200-mile radius of Nick Saban’s office, it’s probably a good idea to shut it down immediately.
‘But how?’ you ask.
Well, have you thought of a good insurance scam?
Whatever you do, don’t go campaigning for another job out of fear.
Les Miles (Michigan) and Tommy Tuberville (Arkansas) already tried that last year, only to be sabotaged by unwanted media attention.
If only they had pulled a Goodfellas-esque insurance fire on their respective athletic facilities and opened up shop in the ACC, well, it would have been a Lufthansa-sized heist.
…
To be the best you have to emulate the best. So the best way to not fall victim to Saban, is to copy Saban.
HOW TO BE LIKE NICK SABAN AT THE OFFICE
Don’t smile at the receptionist.
Don’t smile at anyone.
In fact, it’s probably a good idea to pace frantic frantically at all times, in all places, at all meetings, even while sitting down, stopping at no point to smile at no one.
ALWAYS REMEMBER: You don’t have time for this shit!
On your way into work, walk fast with your head angled towards the ground. Not as if you are ashamed. As if you are scouring the ground for something to dominate.
Don’t take bathroom breaks.
Here’s where you don’t have time for this shit, literally.
Stay at your desk at all times. Do whatever it takes.
If you have to go #1, piss your pants and keep typing. If you have to go #2, take your laptop to the bathroom and pound it out while you’re pounding it out.
Remember, this economy isn’t your father’s economy. Nick Saban is in town. So when nature calls, send it through to voicemail.
‘Are you saying Nick Saban wets his pants’?
Of course I’m not saying that. I’m just like anyone, I want to live to see the New Year.
But you’re not Nick Saban are you? No, you’re not. And if you’re not Nick Saban, you’re behind the 8-ball.
You’ve got time to make up.
No bathroom breaks, no coffee breaks, no smoke breaks. I don’t care if you have to piss in a paper shredder while puffing a Camel light with a portable Starbucks IV in your arm, you stay at that desk.
Dominate your cubicle.
This one is self-explanatory.
Just go out to work, every day, and dominate your cubicle. Aight?
Dominate your lobby.
If someone in the office lobby walks near you, look up and stare that person in the face. Relentlessly. No talking. No smiling.
Dominate your elevator.
When you are on the elevator, no one else gets on the elevator. Period.
Remember, if you are going to survive Nick Saban, you have to think like Nick Saban.
If someone’s going up, you’re going down. If someone’s going down, you’re going up. If the door opens and you’re already on, laptop that person in the neck and hit ‘>|<’.
Treat the elevator as if it were your wife: No one’s getting in it but you. And anyone who tries to go down on it, dies.
Get to work early.
To avoid the rapidly-spreading Procession, it’s a good idea to get into work early. Like, say, 2 A.M.
Leave work late.
It’s also a good idea to leave work late. Like, say, 2 A.M.
How to handle success at work: Get pissed!
Wait until you have the best day, month or year of your career. Then get really pissed off. At everyone.
If you are having a record-setting month at the office, walk into your best salesman’s office and throw his keyboard at his face. When an associate sells $3 million dollars worth of medical equipment, rip him to shreds in the office lobby. If a branch manager has a banner day, visit that branch. And ream him. In the front parking lot.
Was that new advertising campaign a big hit with the client? Great. Now bitch-slap the guy who wrote it. For sending it to the client without the proper ‘.pdf’ file-name extension.
If in doubt, chew the entire office out. Even if you’re an intern.
Why?
It doesn’t matter. Maybe someone left the coffee pot empty. Maybe someone put the big paper clips in with the small paper clips.
Maybe your sales team is up on the other sales team $6,000,000 to zero. And maybe you should choke-slam all of them. For not parking their cars straight.
BEING LIKE NICK SABAN AT THE OFFICE: (What to Avoid)
Avoid gloating around the office.
Keeping "Safe from Saban" hinges on this fact.
When in the office setting, always try and stay professional and classy. (Unless one of the secretaries is just begging for it.)
For instance, if you successfully make 6 consecutive copies on the copy machine, try and refrain from running around the office holding up 6 fingers. The rest of the office will just grow annoyed. So what, you can make copies. We know. It’s not that big a deal. The copier was probably on probation.
Plus, you’re only setting yourself up for failure.
IMAGINE THIS SCENARIO:
You walk up to the copier holding up a presumptive 7 fingers for everyone in officeland to see. You turn and wink at the hot accountant with the shitty copy-centric cubicle location. You grin. You hit the green button. Boom: paper jam.
The copier melts down and beeps like R2-D2, the black-ink container pops a money shot on your face, and the entire office stands up and looks on as the IT freak you always suspected was serial killer busts out of his cubicle, shoots you 36 times with the nail gun he smuggled from the office warehouse, beats you for three hours with oversized CMYK cartridges, calls a timeout to freeze your kicker, and takes a steaming piss on you in front of everyone from accounts receivable.
And then, you’re called into the office – 36 nails protruding from your half-carcus, looking like Hellraiser, black-mark all over your face, pissed on in front of the entire company, sans your manhood, sans your dignity, sans your respect – and fired.
Why? Because of Nick Saban.
DON’T let this happen to you.
Avoid custom-made t-shirts.
If you sell more media than the dim-witted CEO’s son, please… don’t print up t-shirts about it. And certainly don’t wear them to the office.
Because what if they fire the favorite son?
What if they bring in a NYC top-level executive?
Next thing you know, he’s got all your leads, he’s got all your clients, and you won’t be able to sell free copies of Us Weekly to adderall-fueled sorority houses.
What happens now? (Eh, Tommy?) Now your shirt just looks faded and dumb. Kind of like your wife without a suntan.
FIN
What about my boy Urban....Two towers bitches! I am not knocking Saban, b/c he has given a right kick to the dick of every SEC team he has played, but we got a good one this week. I will talk shit later if need be, but no matter who comes out of the SEC I hope they curb OU American History X style!!!
Fuck Big 12 with their low ranked Defenses!!
Posted by: Kevin | December 05, 2008 at 11:42 AM
"but no matter who comes out of the SEC I hope they curb OU American History X style!!!"
LOL True! I think The SEC will win in Miami no matter who the team is!
Posted by: CrimsonTide | December 05, 2008 at 04:33 PM
There aren't any tall buildings in Auburn. Just a bunch of fucking silos, brother!
Posted by: Mike Pigott | December 06, 2008 at 01:17 PM
BOOM: Paper Jam
LOL man this is by far the funniest sports blog I've ever read! keep it up
Posted by: Brian B | December 07, 2008 at 07:13 PM
Guess Urban didn't get the memo.
Let's hope it doesn't arrive in Lane's inbox, either.
Great, great stuff. Laughed four times. And I'm Chuck Norris.
Posted by: Ghost of Neyland | December 07, 2008 at 11:59 PM
Gump,
You continue to produce some of the greatest comedic and satirical content that has ever been written by anyone, at any time, in any medium.
It's obvious that you are the bastard child of Cecil hurt and Dennis Miller, born/cloned in the year 2015, shortly after Gay Marriage and skin cell cloning becomes legal in Alabama. Clearly, you car-jacked an HG Wells time machine, travelled back to 2008, and are now playing prophet to the coming Age of Saban. Well, that, and you decided to short General Motors stock.
Anyway, keep up the great work. I hope your stand-up comedy career takes-off, because you are frickin funny. RTR.
Posted by: Rob Scott | December 08, 2008 at 10:37 PM
This is unbelievably hysterical. Paper jams, nail guns, hahaha. I didn't understand most of it, but this was some funny stuff.
Posted by: Tommy Tuberville | December 11, 2008 at 03:53 PM
I've been looking for this type of blog FOREVER!!! I forsee every current coach in the SEC "SABANIZED" before the end of this era.Great blog. "ROLL TIDE"
aUAman
Posted by: billy walton | December 13, 2008 at 05:29 PM
That Saban is quite an IT freak. Too bad none of his little "stare you down" crap works on me. He better pray every night I go Pro.
Posted by: Tim Tebow | December 17, 2008 at 12:17 PM