An Auburn Man's Letter to the Delusional Bammer Nation

Dear Bammer Nation,

Well, well, well.

How are we feeling today Mr. Fancy Pants Bammers?

All us Auburn Tigers have heard about the last two years is your fancy-pants new coach, and your fancy-pants new stadium, and your fancy-pants new statues, and your fancy-pants new locker room.

Well, look who went and got fancy this time. 

Auburn.

That's right. In the legs race that is the SEC Recruiting war, Auburn has just taken things to a whole new level. 

Knock, Knock. 

Who's there?

Magnetized limos.

See? We are living high off the hog down here on the plains, what with our magnetic limos and shit. 

What was that Bammer? You are adding onto your stadium again? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. The windows in my magnetic limo were rolled up. 

Do your hear that bammer? That's the sound of us renting limos. 

When my kid turns 16, he ain't getting no Jeep. He's getting a fucking limo. I'll lease the shit outta that thing.

Why? Cause he's an Auburn Tiger. 

That's right Bammers. We. Got. Elongated. Sedans. 

And they're fucking magnetized. 

Deal with it.

Yes bammers, they are like regular sedans. Only longer. And way more badass. Not only do they raise the bar, they come equipped with one. One that is stocked with a virtual army of carbonation. 

We have enough Dr. Thunder to quench the thirsts of every 4-star from here to fucking Ontario. Which is all the way in Arkansas.

Oh, and bammers, just so you know, we drink Dr. Thunder by choice.

There has been an Auburn-wide ban on Dr. Pepper ever since that lousy two-and-a-half hour Bammomerical called Forrest Gump. 

That bammer propaganda comes on HBO all the time. But guess what? We drive limos. We don't care about some retardo fairy tale. Do you think we give a fuck how many Dr. Peppers Forrest GUmp drank at his Bammer black-and-white All-American party? Do you think we care what happened in Forrest Gump? 

Do you think we care how you got Forrest Gump qualified academically even though he was dumber than Eric Ramsey on novocaine? 

Do you think we care how, whenever Forrest Gump wipes his face off, it forms an perfectly fucking symmetrical smiley face? 

Do you think we care how Jenny got AIDs but didn't give it to Forrest Gump even though she snuck in his bedroom and rode his junk cowgirl style and probably gave up the tainted vaj a bunch more upon her triumphant return from coke-whoredom?

No, we don't.

You see, I'm an Auburn Tiger. I don't care about the past. I don't even care about yesterday. I don't even care about this last sentence I just typed. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

Or this one.

I just care about this: We beat you six years in a row.

Now. You bammers might want to know, what else can The Chiz do?

What does he do in his free time, when he's not magnetizing fucking limos?

He magnetizes tanks. And hummers. And sharks. And helicopters. 

Just wait until The Chiz's white magnetized Blue Angel jet planes do a fly-by over your precious Bahr-Denny Stadium (in which Auburn is undefeated dating back to Paul Revere's 44th birthday and not counting games played on November 30, 2008.)

What is going to happen then?

I'll tell you what's going to happen. You're going to get fucked like Halle Berry in Monster's Ball, which is an 8 year-old movie that I just referenced. 

Just wait until The Chiz figures out how to put car magnets on submarines. 

What is going to happen then? 

He will submerge his vessel and fly his Auburn Tiger flags like an underwater pirate. Wahhhrrr Eagle. All the marine life will piss their fucking pants. In sheer Auburn Tiger amazement. 

Tell me this bammers. Do you smell what The Chiz is cooking?

Just wait. The Chiz will use this tactic to recruit nationally.

Next, The Chiz will film a recruiting movie on his white magnetic submarine starring Denzel Washington. It will be much, much better than that shitty movie Crimson Tide. 

It will be called Auburn Tigers. That is a great title for a movie that takes place in an ocean. Sure, it doesn't have a double-meaning that's also an ocean reference, but so what? Ocean references are for bammers. 

Auburn Tigers will have references to Auburn Football throughout the entire movie. Bo Jackson will play the role of a submarine commander who runs a 4.1 40. And swims a 4.1 40. It will be way better than Crimson Tide, because there will only be Auburn references in it. 

There will not will be any gay bammer shit like Gene Hackman having a dog named "Bear" or Tony Soprano and a bunch of soldiers shouting "Go Bama! Roll Tide!" on the middle of a battleship.

Instead, Gene Hackman's dog's name will be "Fuck Nick Saban," and Paulie Walnuts will appear in random scenes to say things like "Fuck Bama! War Eagle!"

Also, in the film, Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman and The Chiz will wrestle for control of a white submarine adorned in Auburn magnets. At the end, The Chiz will face Gene Hackman in a dramatic Gene-Off, at which point The Chiz will authenticate the fuck out of everyone and retake control of the vessel. 

Then, The Chiz will re-emerge his submarine on the surface of the Mobile Bay, pop out of it, and wave to a crowd of five-star recruits, who will all commit to Auburn on the spot. 

The final scene will be a montage scene of five-stars signing with Auburn and The Chiz climbing various mountains, all set to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. 

There will be 8 deleted scenes on the Special Edition "Auburn Tigers" Unrated Edition: The Chiz Is On The Prowl Edition: DVD Edition DVD. Seven of them will be of Nick Saban crying like a bitch because Auburn has signed all his five-stars. The other one will be a montage of The Chiz starting fires in the rain and flexing, which will be set to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. 

In fact, any time The Chiz appears onscreen, it will be to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. He will not even have any dialogue in the entire movie. Every scene he is in will be a badass montage of him winning everything and signing five-stars.

It will be the greatest pop-culture moment in Auburn football history. It will be the only movie based off Auburn since that porno version of "Punt, Bama, Punt." Can't think of the name. Believe it started with a 'C.'

All the five-stars will see it opening day, it will gross $204 million opening weekend, and The Auburn Tigers will reign supreme and Bammer will crumble. The world will be restored to the way it has always been from the years 2002-2006. And Auburn fans will rejoice. 

Saban will leave 'Bama for the NBA and Bammer will get put on double-secret probation. Then Auburn's problems, and world hunger, will disappear. 

The Chiz will be honored with the Nobel Peace prize for signing five-stars and ending the recession. And Auburn will bask in the national prominence they're used to enjoying every year that ends in '004.'

And don't forget, you delusional bammers, it all started with a "Tiger Prowl."

Comments

[josh]

you have got to be the dumbest mother fucker. I've taken shits with more sense.

[BTM]

Brilliant. Simply Brilliant.

[Bubba Shrimp]

Dumb is as Dumb comments.

[Spencer]

josh, you do realize he's a Bama fan, right?

[Jaye]

That's freakin' hilarious. RTR.

[Steve]

maybe josh is an aubbie fan?

[JBushAU]

As an Aubie, the article was funny, but the comment from DA Bammer Josh was the best>

[JR]

Epic...RTR

[EuroTide]

good stuff, nice to see ur back

[jordan]

too funny man

[Eric]

Josh likes the cock, ..... Cheese's cock...

[Melissa]

It seems the Tigger is really consumed by all the Bammers in this world. Sorry Pal...it is what it is. Have you ever seen so much ranting and raving about something he, it, Tigger declares he doesn't care about. Took alot of time to declare his unconcern. And ... a rented limo...we own ours...lol, lol....RTR

[Billy Bob Driscole]

Sounds like a normal auburn fan wrote that article. WDE !!!

[Jeremy]

Can we get a George Bush impersonator to read this aloud. That's what I hear when I'm reading it. George "They mis-underestimated me" Bush. Hilarious.

Good to see you back Gump4Heisman.

[bama_girl12]

Awesome as usual!

[Tell 'em Jo Jo]

Gump, awesome. You need to get started on www.xtranormal.com and check out the "Lane Kiffin Show"..
This will make you a LEGEND.

[josh]

You know what? I have to respond you, Bammers. Why did I say, "you have got to be the dumbest mother fucker. I've taken shits with more sense"? Because, I can. Chiz said so.

And not only do my shits have more sense than you, I name mine. I don't name my shits "Bear" or "Snake" or "Saban" like you idiot Bammers. You shouldn't name anything precious to you after someone or something that used to be a part of your team. You should name it after something that always be a part of your team. You should pick a name that symbolizes what your team stands for and always will stand for. What did I name my shit(that has more cents than you)? Mediocrity.

Take that, Bammers.

P.S. Can I get a ride home? Had to return the Limo.

[Bama Fan in NYC]

Welcome back! We've missed you and thank you for brightening up my day with this brilliant article!

ROLL TIDE!

[gnome]

GUMP LIVES!!!. Where's the fucking monkey.

[Offinya]

Great "letter", Gump. Great response, Josh.
How do you know when a Bammer is on the rag?

She's only wearing one sock

[Gj]

Well said Josh! I like how you name what is precious to you, your shit, a name that symbolizes what YOUR team stands for..MEDIOCRITY. Mediocrity and shit symbolizes your team auburn to a T...spot on Josh!

[david]

......not if it don't ever rain.

comedic gold

[Lawrence Haselmaier]

Sad to say, the imagined author of this letter is probably right about the double-secret probation part. It's just like ESPN to broadcast that: I'm on a ship in the Pacific, and the first piece of Bama news I hear is that. They are out to get us (see the 10 Things to Look Forward to This Football Season).

At least there is probably no postseason ban. The rest is somewhat irrelevant.

Roll Tide Roll!

[Evil Twin]

You've got to update with a new post soon, I'm starting to get work done around here.

RTR

[Tony]

Hilarious! I love it.

ROLL TIDE.