10) Making fun of rival player arrests as your entire D Line gets 5-10
"Man, can you guys believe that LSU player did a Diamond Dallas Page on his Econ teacher? What a bunch of thugs. I mean, sure, our strong safety roid-rufied a mascot, but I mean... that was bullshit."
Odds are, this sounds like you. Bless our hearts, most college football fans couldn't see the world straight with a team-sponsored leveler. We make fun of each other for doing the things, well, we do. Arkansas calls Mississippi inbred. Oklahoma calls USC cheaters. OJ calls Donte Stallworth a copycat.
Hey look, it happens. But when it comes to mocking player arrests, tread lightly. It's like running for president when you're a Bush: everybody gets their turn. And yours is right around the corner. So if you aren't careful, you'll end up with Dukakis on your face.
Besides, are you really that surprised that the guy who's on scholarship because he really likes to hit people really likes to hit people?
If you're in SEC country, heed this rule especially. Put down the stone and say hello to your glass house.
In the SEC, coaching salaries aren't the only thing out of control. It's like Hank Williams Jr. said. Only this time, all your rowdy friends are on scholarship.
It works like this: If you laugh at a rival guy for stealing a car, your guy will steal a tank. If you laugh at a rival guy for smoking a joint, your guy will smoke a pedestrian. That's karma, that's how it works. The second you make fun of a rival fullback who stumbles into an underage MIP, your favorite linebacker Lattimers an underage KD.
If you're with a team outside the SEC, you have every right to look down in concern. In fact, you should be concerned about who SEC players are victimizing the worst: You.
9) Reading about recruits from ridiculously futuristic-sounding years
The next time you log on to Rivals.com, you're going to read about a weakside linebacker from the year 2046. He's visiting your campus the weekend of the next Haley's Comet.
His first name is Megabot. His last name is a series of decimals. He has offers from USC, Ohio State and the Galactic Empire. And he runs a 3.1 40, because his lower torso is a fucking rocketship.
Of course you feel old. It's natural. As you see the headline '2012 QB loves Trojans' you think "When the fuck were these kids born, W's second term?"
But hey, this is recruiting. Do the groundkeepers at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium prefer it when the official visitor list is potty-trained? Of course they do. Then again, that's not their call. Pretty soon, Urban Meyer and Nick Saban are going to be evaluating talent using stethoscopes in the maternity ward. The future is the future.
Speaking of the future, what happened to the movie-future? You know, the one we were promised as young impressionable children in the 1980's? Where is my goddam spaceship? "Uh, yes, Microsoft? I'd like one giant robot suit, please. Express Ground."
Seriously, what in the name of Sigourney Fucking Weaver is going on here? Future my ass. This is more Flintstones than Jetsons.
According to 1980's movies, you should be reading this article from a goddam space pod hovering above your other space pod in front of your robotic dog while your robotic maid reaches in your lap and rubs one out into a robotic hand towel.
Instead, you have an iPhone. Yabba dabba do.
8) Talking lots and lots of man-gossip
The next time you give your wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy a hard time for reading US Weekly, remember that at some point this year, you are going to call your buddy and say something to the effect of:
"OMG, did you see Mark Barkley's scrimmage stats?"
"Yea, like totally. I can't believe he went 13-21 with 221 yards and 2 TDs. He got like, so hot. Do you think he'll start? I bet he does. He should start, I don't blame him. That Mitch Mustain is no good. I heard bad things about him. Oh wait... this is Russell beeping in. I bet he doesn't know. Let me call you back-"
They have a word for the previous conversation: gossip. Yea, it's man-gossip, and yea it's exagerrated, but come on fellas. Give the ladies come credit. We all do the same shit.
She's reading about Britney Spears' labia, you're reading about Julio Jones' hernia. What's the difference?
The time you made fun of her for renting 27 Dresses with the pink DVD case? That was right after that time you rented Rambo 4. Which got a fucking 37% on Rotten Tomatoes.
37%?? My fourth-grade production of The Music Man has a higher Tomatometer than that.
Yep, we got trouble. Right here in College Station. Because, dudes that love to talk college football, let's face it: when it comes to the hypocritical factor, we are guilty-as-charged.
P.S. I heard Bryce Brown and Lane Kiffin are like, already thinking about calling it quits.
7) Being at work and not working
Admit it, you haven't done anything productive in three hours. And no, logging onto espn.com 13 times in 12 minutes to see if the new AP rankings are out yet is not productive.
But honestly, who can blame you? You may be pulling a 9-5, but your team just pulled a 41-17.
OK, so your boss can blame you. But not if he thinks you're working. So make like a celeb-in-public and disguise.
Remember, no one is casting stones here. It's fucking Friday. In 19 hours, your team is about to play the #5 team in the country, at home, in front of a national TV audience and shitloads of friends you cannot wait to hang out with. What does your cubicle have to match the excitement of that?
The hot office girl?
Face it, she's not even that hot. Yea, she's hot when compared to Steve from IT, but who isn't? Alf is a fucking 10 if we're using Steve from IT as the barometer. If you took hot-office-girl and put her in a bar full of other hot girls, your eye would wander like David Caruso in Kung Fu.
The bottom line is this: jobs are boring, college football is not. So get your work done early in the week, pop open Internet Explorer, hide it behind PowerPoint, put a serious look on your face, and click away my friend.
6) Talking team-related shit in traffic
What? Some dickhead with an Ohio State University sticker just cut you off? Well go ahead, show him The middle finger. As a matter of fact, wrap a mai tai cocktail in a red sweater vest and Abdul-Jabbar that motherfucker out your moon roof. You know you want to.
What is it that's really bothering you?
It's not so much the swim move he just pulled to get in the far right lane.
It's the fact that, above your car's state-issued nickname it says 'Michigan Wolverines.' And for the last five years, that guy's team has been pulling your team over to the side of the road and turning a rivalry into a rest-stop butt-rape.
Go ahead, behave badly. Texas guys, honk at Oklahoma guys. Auburn guys, honk if you sacked Brodie. USC guys, honk if you don't have a legitimate rival.
Because let's be honest, when you're late to work, the only thing worse than getting locked out of the right turn lane, is getting locked out of the right turn lane by a guy with a license plate that says 'TEBOWD' when your middle name is "Neyland."
5) Deifying the new invincible coach (until he's no longer invincible)
"Steve Spurrier is the new Bear Bryant."
Until Bob Stoops is the new Bear Bryant. Until Pete Carroll is the new Bear Bryant. Until Nick Saban is the new Bear Bryant. Until Nick Saban goes 7-6 and isn't but then is again for a little while but then isn't again once he gets blown out by Utah. Effectively making Urban Meyer... the new Bear Bryant.
Face it fans, college coaches get built up and torn down at a higher rate than members of the Spears family. At this rate, if I have a good first two hours at work tomorrow, I will hold the title of "New Invincible Coach" for approximately 27 minutes.
In 1999, when Steve Spurrier was wearing a visor in sunny Florida turning away 5-stars whilst playing office putt-putt, he was the greatest piece of ass the SEC had seen since The Hatted One.
In 2009, when Steve Spurrier is wearing a visor in shitty South Carolina and welcoming in 3-stars whilst playing office putt-putt, he's a washed-up prom queen with a double-chin.
It's a never-ending cycle.
Bob Stoops in December 2003 gave sliced bread a bad name. Enter Kansas State, Nick Saban's 3-4, and 143 consecutive BCS Bowl flops, and he's just one of the pack. The elite pack nonetheless, but gone are the days of Lee Fowler wiping Stoops-juice off his chin during commercial breaks of College Gameday.
When will the madness stop? Probably never.
Because there's no way Urban Meyer can ever lose another game.
4) Making damning remarks to televised referees who could whip your ass
OK, so it was a bad call. A really bad call.
And yea, you're in your living room, and yea your girlfriend is out catching dinner-and-a-movie with her chatty single friend from work, and yea, you're grabbing beers watching the game with your wild friend from college with the crazy-ass nickname. You know, the guy who was batshit enough to turn a perfectly good, one-syllable name like "Dan" into "Danimal."
So it's just you and the Danimal. And you're on Miller Lite #'s 11 and 14, respectively. And yes, back to the point, it was an awful fucking call by the line judge. Your team got hosed.
But really? Do you really think it's the best idea that someone "kick that fuckin' ref in the balls"? And then "run over that fuckin' ref with the medical cart"? And then "pummel that fuckin' ref with rubber bullets"? And then "find out that ref's address and burn a goalpost in his yard"?
Stop and think. What in the name of Mississippi Burning are you talking about? First off, that ref may be 55, but odds are he would beat your fucking ass. You don't become an SEC referee unless you were a major badass in your 20's and 30's. Most of these guys were fucking linebackers. And they can't wait to fuck you up. Just ask Stephen Garcia.
So before you say anything you really regret, pound another brew with the Danimal and cool your fucking jets. I mean, what's next, the gas chamber? Tell us, oh collegiate Hitler, what do you have in store after that? At this pace, you might as well tar-and-feather Mills Lane.
And yea yea yea. We all know. If you ever see that ref, you're going to rip off your shirt and cover yourself in camo-mud ala Arnold in The Predator, then go after that bastard with a 2-foot machete.
Sure.
3) Throwing your team under the bus for a hot piece of ass
OK, so you're a die-hard 'Bama fan. Born and raised to love the Tide. You know what else you were probably raised to love? 'Tang. And not the Chris Rock movie.
Your team or that vaj? At some point, you're going to have to choose. So you're hanging out Friday before the game, and there stands a hottie. Only problem, her cheek says 'AU.' If you're a dyslexic 'Bama fan, you're good to go. If not, you may feel some team loyalty creeping into your trousers. In this situation, fuck loyalty. Think of it like this. You're Don Draper. Your team allegiance is Betty. And... GO.
Forget those silly little ESPN commercials where it's gross to make out with hot chicks in Ohio State t-shirts. It's not gross, it's great. You know what's even greater? Making out with hot chicks you get out of Ohio State t-shirts.
So what she's from Auburn? Admit it, you don't care. You don't care if she named her vagina Tommy Tubbersnatch. You'd hit it six times in a row. And you'd keep hitting it, until her bigger brother showed up and whipped your ass out of town just like her va-jay-jay's namesake.
But there's one rule: If you haven't slept with her yet, don't talk shit. Unless you are the cutest shit-talker in the history of intercourse. If you're dating her, it's perfectly OK to lay in bed and talk a little post-smack smack. But unless you want to be jerking it tonight to a Daniel Moore painting, don't lead with shit talk.
Everyone in the world outside of Auburn, AL knows Gene Chizik is going to fail and get shit-canned within four years and go back to being an assistant. Just like everyone in the world outside of Tuscaloosa, AL knew Mike Shula would fail and get shit-canned within four years and go back to being an assistant.
You're aware of it, along with everyone else. Alabamians, Americans, North Koreans, Sudanese refugees, Brangelina's adopt-a-babies, Lenny Dykstra, Gene Chizik, Gene Chizik's pets, everyone.
Don't feel guilty if you decide to go for it. Think about it like that movie Sleeping With The Enemy. Or at least Getting To Third Base With The Enemy. Just play it cool. If you don't play it cool, there's a movie about that too. It's called Never Been Kissed.
2) Undeservedly hating on college football TV announcers
"Did you hear that? Verne Lundquist is terrible. He just called Charles Scott 'Charles Lott.'"
OK, so Lundquist is old. So what? We all know what he meant. Is anyone actually getting confused out there? The same guy he just called 'Charles Scott' four consecutive times didn't all the sudden ILM-morph into Ronnie Lott's nephew.
So Brent Musberger can't remember your third-string platoon uber-red-shirt wideout's last name. So what? You forget shit all the time.
Remember that time you forgot your undershirt and sweated-thru at your cousin's wedding? Remember that time you forgot to remember that toothbrush you forgot? Remember that time you forgot to put some condoms in your back pocket in Miami and woke up the next Tuesday with a mushroom on your penis?
What, Lundquist didn't remember all the letters in somebody's name? Hell, you don't even remember all of last night. At one point, you slammed a tequila shot, poured salt on your tongue and licked a fat chick's arm while performing air guitar and swaying like Axl Rose.
OK, so you didn't do that. Not at all. But you could have. And you don't definitively remember that youdidn't do that. That's the real issue here.
Look, the SEC has 12 teams, each with 85-man rosters. For those of you keeping score at home, that's a pool of 1,020 strangers. And that's just one conference.
There are 119 Division 1 teams, making that 10,115 strangers. Dude-strangers, by the way. When you go out, you can't even remember one dude's name. Much less 10,115 dudes. Yea, you're better at remembering girls' names. Who with a cock and more balls than Lance Armstrong isn't?
We aren't talking you calling out 10,115 toothpicks, Rainman. We're talking you knowing 10,115 human beings, all with different names, some of them just plain ridiculous.
"And there's #82... Quantay Robinson."
Quantay? Really? That sounds like a a sci-fi arcade game from 1986. If that's your name, cool. But don't expect anyone, especially a 70-year old grandpa, to pronounce it right the first 34 times.
1) Being seriously buzzed at 11:30 A.M.
Yep. It's Saturday morning. Most people are out running errands, taking the dog for a walk, catching up on their DVRs, or cutting the crust off sandwiches for the kiddos. And here you are standing in the back corner of a frat house sipping on the rushed-out sequel to Bloody Mary 1: Back On The Wagon. Fret not. It's not alcoholism if there's a team logo on your chest.
OK, so maybe it's borderline alcoholic. But who gives a fuck? What's the alternative, being the swarmy little college-town vegan who "hates football 'cause of traffic," buys organic bottled water and eats burgers made of bean? Fuck that guy.
Q: What has more chest hair than a college-town vegan?
A: His girlfriend.
Drink up. This is college football. If you aren't drinking, you aren't trying. For fucks sake, it has the word "college" right there in the name. What other excuse do you need to drink?
It is perfectly OK to get drunk at, before, during or after any event that has the word "college" in it. "College trivia night," "college bingo," "college class," "college AA meeting," etc.
The tie between college and alcohol is so strong that, if you take simple words and add "college" to them, it implies drunkeness.
house > college house
night > College Night
hour > College Hour
Oh, and if you see one of those holy-rollers preaching the fire-and-brimstone gospel outside of the stadium like they do in Athens, don't feel guilty. Just smile, take a sip of your whiskey-drink, and remind them that Jesus didn't turn water into loud obnoxious dickfaces.
After all, if you're going to Hell, you aren't going there alone. You're bringing 92,000 drinking buddies.
Let the festivities begin.
Hahaha well done as always, Gump.
CLASSIC: "Just smile, take a sip of your whiskey-drink, and remind them that Jesus didn't turn water into loud obnoxious dickfaces."
I did notice a few things you may or may not want to correct. 1) USC's 13-star recruit QB is Matt Barkley, not Mark. 2) David Carradine was the star of Kung Fu. David Caruso is the king of cheesy one-liners into commercial breaks on CSI: Miami. 3) I believe you were referring to throwing a Molotov cocktail at the OSU fan, not mai tai cocktail. 4) This last one I'm not sure about. You mention Lee Fowler wiping the Stoops-juice off his chin, which is a combination of Lee Corso and Chris Fowler. You may have done that on purpose, but I figured I'd give you the heads up in case you didn't.
Again though, a brilliant piece of writing.
Posted by: Steve | August 25, 2009 at 10:51 AM
Well played, sir!
Posted by: wilsobh | August 25, 2009 at 12:49 PM
You could be one of the funniest people that I have ever had the pleasure of laughing at!
Posted by: Justin Allen | August 25, 2009 at 08:30 PM
This is outstanding. Well done!
Posted by: Jeremy | August 26, 2009 at 11:24 AM
To the guy with all the corrections. WOW, as everyone has noticed it suppose to be outrageous and funny. I highly doubt first off that gump could give a crap. Second, if that is the way you are then I would hate to be the person dating you. Do you beat her for not hanging all three towels straight, or having all the labels in your pantry facing forward as well?
Posted by: humor me | August 26, 2009 at 01:40 PM
Hope your comedy show went well. I'm just glad that your writing again. Keep up the good work.
Posted by: Jconda44 | September 12, 2009 at 08:30 AM
Fuck that was long. Where's the monkey.
Signed,
Rolando McCain
Posted by: Rolando mccain | September 15, 2009 at 09:00 PM
That was darn funny. My Penn State brother is a huge addict of #2. All I hear about is all the recruiting stars. I think he likes that more than the wins.
Posted by: hokieg - virginia tech basketball jerseys | September 19, 2009 at 09:30 PM
Great stuff but let's be real. Brent Musberger really is a dewsh and a horrible announcer.
Posted by: Marc | October 09, 2009 at 04:19 PM
Gump... where the hell have you been this season?
Posted by: B-Lake | October 11, 2009 at 11:06 AM
Bravo, sir, Bravo!
We'd like to hear more from you, Gump, throughout the season.
RTR!
Posted by: 007 | October 15, 2009 at 01:21 AM
One thing we don't look forward to is not having G4H updates. :-(
Posted by: Tider69 | November 07, 2009 at 10:21 AM