Gump For Heisman

REPORT: Barry Bonds’ balls to be branded with asterisks

SAN FRANCISO, Ca. (AP) –

It turns out steroids aren’t the only thing that will leave their mark on Barry Bonds’ teeny tiny toddler balls.

Now Bonds’ nuts will be fit for a new mark: asterisks. On each one. Assuming he still has two.

The news came on Tuesday that Bonds’ sunflower-seed-sized balls would be branded with two asterisks and shipped off to the Hall of Fame. That news came from fashion designer Marc Ecko, who likes men.

Ecko, who is hyper-gay, bought the microscopic balls in an online auction. After the purchase, he opened voting on a website to decide what to do with them. Fans voted overwhelmingly to have them branded with asterisks and sent to the hall of fame in Cooperstown.

The other three choices were to send them to Cooperstown unblemished, to launch them into space, or to let Marc Ecko keep them so he could play with them whenever he wants to.

ALL-STAR-BREAK REPORT: Barry Bonds has itty-bitty testicles

NL teammate Griffey accuses Bonds of having 'hobbit-balls'

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. (AP) -

Allegations are nothing new in the world of Barry Lamar Bonds. On Wednesday, the All-Star slugger and complete shithead was yet again the center of a furious debate - smallballs.

In post-game interviews, Ken Griffey Jr. - Bonds' NL teammate - told a reporter that Bonds had actually hung out with the team in the locker room. When asked if that included showering, Griffey's following comments sent the room into a media frenzy. Over Bonds' microscopic ballsac.

"Man, that dude has some infant nuts," said Griffey. "When it happened, when his towel fell off, we were all shouting. It got real quiet. Then we were all squinting. Not like gay squinting like 'Oh, that's somethin to be proud of.' Squinting like 'Oh shit, those got to be the smallest hobbit-balls I've ever seen, but they so small I got to squint just to be able to say I seen 'em."

Griffey's comments led other players to break their silence.

"Bonds balls bery, bery small," said Ichiro Suzuki, the game's MVP. "They rook rike brown Skittres."