How good is Tim Tebow?

Gump4Heisman.com

Just how good is Tim Tebow?

Tim Tebow is so good that whenever CBS or ESPN or LFS broadcast a Florida Gators game, they should digitally insert a halo over Tim Tebow's head that follows him live on every play. This way, when Tim Tebow lets off on a glorious run, we will see him. When Tim lets off a beautiful pass from the heavens of Tebow, we will see him. And we won’t just see him, we will see him for what he is – the majestic pony prince of all 117 college football provinces. If this means sacrificing the yellow first down marker, so be it. Would you rather have CBS count ten yards for you, or would you rather have CBS illuminate Tim Tebow’s inherent goodness for you? I thought so.

Tim Tebow is so good, to watch him play in person or on TV should require a special license attainable only through offices run by slow government employees. In these offices, lazy overweight women named Claude will sit and chatter and talk about their ass-rashes and drink Nestea and sweat. When you get to the front of the line, they will spew Nestea all over your official “Permission to watch Tebow” papers. Then they will hand you 55 cents to get them more Nestea and ask you to go to the back of the line. Which you will do. By this time, you will be questioning how much you really want to watch Tim Tebow. But then you will think of him and bat your lashes. And it will be clear. He is that good you will think. He is worth it. And you will re-enter the line. With a twinkle in your eye.

Tim Tebow is so good that all men should want to kiss him. It does not matter if they are not his teammates. It does not matter if they work out or never cry at movies. It does not matter if they drive a Dodge Ram with flow pipes. It does not matter if they have a tattoo that says ‘Thug Life’ or have “vagina” listed #1 on their facebook interests. It does not matter if it is you. Because the second you see Tim Tebow let loose on a run from center, you will find yourself puckering up on the couch as if you are waiting on him to run out-of-bounds and straight into your living room. What is that feeling you get after the run, when you realize Tim Tebow is still inside your 37” Samsung HDTV prepping for the next play? Heartbreak.

Tim Tebow is so good that they should get rid of postage stamps and replace them with 1-by-1.5-inch official UF team photos of Tim Tebow. This way, people will be much more motivated to pay their bills by mail instead of online. Which will free up valuable internet server space for people to perform non-stop Google Image searches for 'Tim Tebow.' This will also eliminate more trees, which are a tangible threat to Tim Tebow’s unrivaled goodness.

Tim Tebow is so good that the NCAA should pass a bylaw requiring the names on the backs of all the 84 other Florida Gators to read “NOT TEBOW.” This way, no one will turn on their TV sets, see a blue Florida Gator jersey under a pile and grow excited only to cry uncontrollably when they realize that the Florida Gator in question is not #15 Tim Tebow but #85 Greg Taussig. And do not make the assumption that you can tell Tim Tebow apart from other Florida Gators because of his skin color. Tim Tebow transcends race. He is not black or white or Hispanic. He is simply Tim Tebow. And he is that good.