Gump For Heisman

SPECIAL: Mike Vick "Far Sides"

Gump4Heisman.com

Well, we've reached the end of another work week. This particular work week, though, ended with college football being back in season, and is followed by an especially sweet short work week. So we have special reason to celebrate.

But it also marks the end of our week-long joy-filled fun ride at the expense of Michael Vick. It's been wacky, light-hearted, sick, twisted, mean-spirited, satirical, offensive and well, obscene. And there's only one way to end it...

Gump4Heisman's own Michael Vick "Far Sides." Where we've taken the work of creative genius Gary Larson, and decided to borrow it to slam Mr. Vick one last time.

Enjoy!

(CLICK CARTOONS TO ENLARGE)

Michael Vick: The Week That Was (a Pictorial)

As Mike Vick goes away to jail to get doggy-pounded, the rest of us turn our eyes to the sport he once captivated: college football. Still, as we near the approach of the 2007 college season, let's take a look back on the week that was for Michael Vick.

Vick's week saw him plead guilty to the heinous acts of dog fighting as well as the "disposal" of unfit dogs. This came on top of massive public criticism from humans and dogs alike. The innacurate former quarterback also became the target of such high profile K-9 celebrities as Scooby-Doo, Droopy, Goofy, and the usually reserved Snoopy. Vick also was suspended indefinitely from the NFL, lost all his remaining endorsements, and stood to lose $100 million. On top of that, news broke early Thursday that Vick's mother was a gigantic whore.

To rub some more salt into the wounds, Gump4Heisman takes you on a walk through the Week that was Mick Vick's.

MONDAY: DOGS SWARM TO THE COURTHOUSE FOR 'ANTI-VICK, PRO-SHIT' RALLY:
This outspoken dog, named Sammy, lets Michael Vick know exacts what side of the fence he's shitting on.

MONDAY: FILM AND TV STAR 'SCOOBY-DOO' WAS AT THE HEARING:
And apparently, the A-list K-9 celeb was carrying his message loud and clear.

MONDAY: 'HOUSTON, WE HAVE A DOGGY-BONER REFERENCE':
Mr. Doo lets Mr. Vick know exactly where he stands among the doggy-celeb community.

Bearded celebrities come out in support of Osama Bin Laden

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) -

Not to be outdone by the legions of Michael Vick supporters, dozens of bearded celebrities on Wednesday marched to the capital of Washington D.C. to show their support for a much greater publicly-despised figure - Osama Bin Laden.

The group, un-creatively titled "Bearded Celebrities Who Support the Also-Bearded Osama Bin Laden," was comprised of such scruffy celebrity heavy-hitters as George Lucas, Eddie Vedder, Steven Spielberg, Chuck Norris, Rob Reiner, Francis Ford Coppola, Kevin Smith, and Hugh Jackman. Their cause? To show support for a rich, bloodthirsty, federally charged, guilty-beyond-a-reasonable-doubt, torture-loving criminal.

Why?

"Because he has a beard too," said Reiner.

When asked if there were any other reasons he was supporting an admittedly guilty sadistic criminal, Reiner replied "No. No. It's pretty much just the beard thing."

Mike Vick's "apology" to Air Bud

Dear AIR BUD,

You fluffy un-athletic piece of shit. You cannot play basketball worth a shit. Your movies are gay. You are gay. You are a big, gay four-legged fake. Mike Vick found this out the hard way. I am not sorry for killing your ass at all. I paid that man $500,000 when he told me you were the dog from AIR BUD, and you can't even sink a mid-range jumper? My little niece Sophie who is in “special school” can hit a mid-range jumper. Fuck you Air Bud. You play basketball like a retarded female toddler. I could have bought a fucking #23 monkey and a CBA franchise for $500,000.

Shit, you can't even hold a basketball. You just chewed on that shit. And pissed on it. Why did you do that Air Bud? Why did you R. Kelly on my basketball? It was a brand new ball you mutt. You asshole mutt. And what about all those VHS screen-shots of you dribbling and shit? Huh? Huh Air Bud, you fucking phony? Were you trying to pull one over on Mike Vick? You are an imposter Air Bud. A smelly four-legged imposter.

BREAKING NEWS: CEO of ‘Bad Newz Kennels’ to looz $100 million

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) –

In the dog-fighting world, a tough pitbull can grip you when you least expect it. And apparently, in the stock market world, a tough financial quarter can do the same. On Monday, it was announced that according to estimates, Michael Vick – CEO of upstart doggie-murdering company ‘Bad Newz Kennels’ – had lost $100 million.

To stock analysts, the announcement was simply a magnified case of a company growing lackadaisical and dropping market share. Which, for CEO Michael Vick, could be summed up for as a case of ‘you snooz, you looz.’

Still, analysts were stunned Monday following the ‘Newz’ newz. But it was not entirely without precedent. “We see this a lot,” said Wall Street analyst Timmy Martin. “Whenever you have a CEO finding him or herself in legal trouble, the effects on the company can be devastating.”

And after CEO Mike Vick’s guilty statement was read on Monday, the former NFL quarterback’s future was still very much up in the air. Because according to Judge Henry E. Hudson, the CEO’s future may not be his to chooz.

REPORT: Vick steps in huge pile of dog shit outside of courthouse

(click image to enlarge)

--BREAKING NEWS--

Fresh after issuing a statement that he was, "you know," sorry for illegally fighting and killing dogs, Michael Vick encountered something a dog had just freshly issued - a steaming pile of shit.

According to one eye-witness report, the pile of shit was "one of those huge, fresh, messy piles of dog shit that squishes all up in your shoes."

During the statement, Vick admitted that he "totally" needed to grow-up.

Individualized statements from Mike Vick

Hello.

My name is Mike Vick. I am a quarterback. I have NOT killed a lot of doggies. I repeat, I have NOT killed a lot of doggies. I am sorry for NOT killing all of them. Very sorry. With Purina on top.

I have made an agreement. Yes, I did it. By that, I mean I did NOT do it. I did not slaughter and maim and murder doggies. So now I will apologize to all the doggies I have NOT killed. Other than the ones that no one knows about me NOT killing. Because my lawyer says not to talk about them. Um, so if anyone is reading this, will you not read those last few sentences? Or this one? Seriously, why are you still reading? Dog, that is some bullshit. Whatever. Where is the delete button? Whatever. I am stoned. Now I wi- Oh damn, I did it again. Do not read that second-to-last sentence either. There. I did not do anything. But if I had done it though, I would apologize like this:

---

Max,

I am sorry. I am sorry for killing you. With a mallet. Even though you fight like a tortoise and cost me seven G’s.

Reb,

Hey boy. How are you? Oh that’s right, you are dead. My bad. My bad about that. I did not mean to strangle you to death on purpose.

Max Jr.,

Boy. The apple did not fall far from the tree. You fight like a bitch. Sorry for the midnight knifing though. That was mean.