Gump For Heisman

As Bush details emerge, USC could face strict NCAA pinky swear

(AP) LOS ANGELES, Ca. –

The Southern California Trojans are staring down the barrel.

Of a pinky.

And it's being pointed at them by NCAA. Sort of.

A sports marketer will hand over financial records and evidence linking Reggie Bush and his family to nearly $280,000 in benefits while he was enrolled at USC, according to a report Wednesday.

No one is sure why the report waited until now to speak. Or why it is named Wednesday.

Still, the serious nature of the evidence within it is serious enough lead to serious NCAA implications for the Trojans. Seriously.

Lloyd Lake, whose name sounds like a place teenagers go for late-night handjobs, is the person alleged to have given the improper benefits to Bush. While his testimony to NCAA officials could open leads into the USC program, it must be proven that USC coaches knew of the benefits for the Trojans to face sanctions.

And if it is discovered that USC coaches and personnel knew about the transgressions, the Trojans could face stiff NCAA penalties.

The NCAA, determined to quell massive criticism that they selectively enforce rules, has created a strenuous investigation method specifically for Pete Carroll and the Trojans.

The pinky swear.

REPORT: USC back to AP #2 after "solid" practice; Carroll makes nice with media

USC jumps five spots after Carroll claims he "didn't mean to" lose to Stanford

LOS ANGELES, Ca. (AP) –

It didn't take long for the pollsters to forgive the USC Trojans. Or that dreamy Pete Carroll.

In fact, USC’s fall from #2 only ended up lasting two days. Because, in the end - according to the AP voters - they had been punished long enough. And all it took was for Pete Carroll and USC to promise they had learned their lesson. Which, according to Pete Carroll and USC, they did.

Tuesday afternoon's press conference began when Carroll, who looked really cute, made remarks that he felt his team was practicing with intensity following last weekend's shocking loss to 41-point underdog Stanford. He described his team's efforts as "solid," winked at the media, and then asked pretty-please if he could have his #2 ranking back - since his boys had worked so hard all week.

And then he smiled. At me. (Sigh).

During the roughly 45-minute long press conference, Carroll addressed multiple criticisms of his Trojans. He was quick to not only acknowledge the mistakes he made in the Stanford loss, but to bat his eyelashes at multiple AP voters.

“Hello babe,” said Carroll, putting his arm around one media member. “Hey hey, my bad. My bad. I didn’t know it meant so much to you. If I had known, I never would have messed around with that silly old Stanford. It, it just happened.”

"I didn't mean to lose to the Cardinal," said Carroll. "Do you know how embarassing it is to lose to a team that basically is named after one bird? And not like one species, but like a specific individual. Like 'Oh, who you guys playing next week?' 'Uh, let's see... the San Francisco Bob.'"

As members of the media crossed their arms, shifted in their seats and rolled their eyes, Carroll – who is an absolute dream – appeared to not let it affect him.

“Listen, listen,” said Carroll, as he rubbed Linda Cohn’s shoulders. “We’re going to be fine. It was just one little pass. One little pass. Are we going to let one little pass come between all that we’ve worked to build Linda? Are we? Whoa - and you have beautiful eyes by the way. You guys better watch out for her. And I better back off before I pull a Joe Namath.”

The press conference was interrupted multiple times as members of the media made emotional remarks either in support of or against Carroll, whose eyelashes are like long magic angel hairs.

The most frequent interruptions came from Lou Holtz, a former coach and ESPN commentator, who stopped the press conference multiple times to claim that he “thought he thaw a tweetybird.”