Roger Clemens: "I Heart Dumpster Pussy"

by ROGER CLEMENS
SPECIAL to Gump4Heisman.com

Hi folks, I’m Roger Clemens.

Perhaps you know me from such noteworthy events as playing for the Red Sox, playing for the Yankees, or being Roger Clemens.

But I’ve come to you today to talk about something else entirely:

Dumpster pussy.

Don’t knock it until you’ve knocked it.

In all those years of watching me gain weight and throw 102 MPH fastballs, you probably never thought ‘Hey, I bet as soon as this game is over, that fellow there is going to slip his engagement ring into his pocket and penetrate a baggy-eyed coke-slut.’

And my, how wrong you would have been.

You see, all of these years Roger Clemens has been known for Cy Youngs. And a rapidly expanding head. But what you guys haven’t known, is that Roger Clemens bags more dumpster pussy than a homeless Brad Pitt.

Dumpster pussy is not to be confused with Grade-A bush. This is the kind of pussy you scraggle together when you’re truckin-for-a-fuckin at 4 in the morning. When you’re in sleazebag mode, which for me is pretty much a 24-hour-a-day gig.

Dumpster pussy. Cheap, Grade-D, poor-quality, makes you regret it afterwards. It’s like the Taco Bell of poontang.

But, nevertheless, it is so much fun for everyone involved. Including the dumpster.