Gump For Heisman

Nick Saban's New Year's Day Itinerary: Part II

12:00 P.M. – Arrive. Take Mercedes. Meet Dan Le Batard for lunch.

… In his den. Shake hands. Ask him what is cooking. Roll eyes. Comment that it smells good.

12:01 P.M. – Ask him what his favorite dish is. Then empty that entire dish onto my plate.

12:02 P.M. – Do not eat it. Instead, poke it with fork. Violently.

12:03 P.M. – Tell him it’s time to make amends. Tell him he was right to criticize me for my 9/11 comments. Tell him that I have a gift for him. And I’m sorry for using a well-known historical reference to make a point.

12:04 P.M. – Wheel in large wooden horse.

Ask him if he likes it. Without sounding like I give a fuck.

12:05 P.M. – Let him inspect gift. If he says he the Trojan horse is the oldest trick in the book, tell him no it isn’t.

Then wait for him to start eating again.

Then tell him the oldest trick in the book is distracting someone while you put arsenic in their mashed potatoes.

12:07 P.M. – Enter living room. While LeBatard’s wife is sitting on the couch.

12:08 P.M. – Insert VCR tape. While standing in front of the TV. And pissing on it.

12:09 P.M. – Play clip from ESPN where Dan LeBatard told Nick Saban to put his money where his mouth was.

12:10 P.M. – Reach in wallet. Take out $1 bill. Snap it ala 1983 film “Trading Places.”

Set it down. On Mrs. LeBatard’s crotch.

Then exit house. But not before kicking household pet. With tennis racket.

Nick Saban's New Year's Day Itinerary: Part 1

nic saban’s itinerarie

January 1, 2008

11:59 P.M. – 12:00 A.M. – Attend New Year’s party.

Roll eyes. Check watch. Grab champagne glass.

Watch ball drop. Then kiss wife. Then toast room.

Then throw glass in sink and text message five-stars.

12:01 A.M. – Call Major.

If he asks if I’m calling to wish him a Happy New Year, laugh. Silently. Without laughing.

Then tell him the only thing Nick Saban wishes for are un-happy endings. To Disney movies.

Then tell him there is only way his new year will be anything close to happy. And that is if Alabama gets a fucking commitment. From a 6-star.

Wait for him to say that, after seeing the Rivals100, he thought 6-stars didn’t exist. Then tell him that, after seeing “Leprechaun 2,” Nick Saban thought enraged leprechauns didn’t exist.

And then he bought a green suit.

12:02 A.M. – Drive home. While dead sober. And swerving all over the road.

Wait for cop to pull me over. Stop car. Get out. Walk up to squad car. Tap passenger window. Click pen. Clear throat. Issue ticket. For the serious Class A Misdemeanor, Citation E: Wasting Nick Saban's Fucking Time.

12:11 A.M. – Return home. Whisper in wife’s ear.

12:12 – 2:11 A.M. – None of your fucking business. Twice.

2:12 A.M. – 2:03 A.M. – Sleep. While pacing.

2:04:01 A.M. – 2:04:02 A.M. – Pee.

2:05 A.M. – 2:59 A.M. – Have repeated nightmares. That involve being constantly surrounded by fairies.

Not because Nick Saban can’t tolerate the thought of faires.

Because Nick Saban can’t think of a better way to describe Mike Shula’s football players.

3:00 A.M. – Wake up. Make New Year’s Resolution.

3:00:05 A.M. – Look at ‘itinerarie’ title.

3:00:10 A.M. – What the fuck.

3:00:15 A.M. – Call secretary. Tell her Nick Saban’s New Year’s Resolution was to quit firing secretaries.

And it lasted 15 seconds.

Hang up.

ALL-NEW Saban Itinerary (PM)

... continued...

12:05 P.M. – Get to golf course. Take time.

Not because I’m not in a hurry. Because I’m about to play with all these slow f**ks, so I might as well get used to it.

12:10 P.M. – Walk up to registration table. Ask them who I’m paired with. Then tell them there is only one way Nick Saban is playing in this tournament. Lean in. Whisper name.

12:15 P.M. – Go outside. Wait for limo to arrive.

12:20 P.M. – Greet Gene Stallings.

12:21 P.M. – Commune with him. Silently.

12:22 P.M. – Ask him how he manages to look so pissed off all the time. Take thorough notes.

12:23 P.M. – Compliment Gene on his National Championship ring. Tell him how much better his ring is than mine.

Wait for him to imply that mine is better because it's newer. Then remind him that “Spiderman 3” was newer than “Spiderman 2.”

And at least “Spiderman 3” didn’t smell like corndogs.

ALL-NEW Saban Itinerary (AM)

Just got through writing a new one... And you thought the first day was busy. This is just the A.M. I'll be posting the P.M. in a couple of days.


NICK SABAN'S ITINERARY

4:04 A.M. – Wake up.

4:04:01 A.M. – Look at blinking alarm clock.

4:04:02 A.M. – Look at watch.

4:04:03 A.M – Flare up laser eyes.

4:04:04 A.M. – Search red-screen internal memory bank – ala 1984 film “The Terminator” – for Alabama Power’s main address.

4:05 A.M. – Stand up. Put on pants. Two legs at a time.

While shaving.

Nick Saban's Itinerary

NICK SABAN'S ITENERARY

4:00 AM - Wake up.

4:01 AM - Fire secretary for mispelling 'ITINERARY.' Get security to go to her house, step in her garden, wake her ass up, get her to fix them breakfast. .... Then fire her.

4:02 AM - Watch the movie 'Gladiator' in 16X fast forward.

4:20 AM - Think about how much of a p***y Maximus is and how I could dominate his ass.

4:21 AM - Call Major. Tell him if he isn't at my house in 5 minutes I will hire Chris Simms to do his f***ing job.

4:25 AM - Tell Major who he is recruiting today. Send him on the road with a cooler and a case of Red Bull. Tell him not to come back until he has a commitment. From a 5-star.

4:26 AM - Call Kevin Steele. Ask him where the f*** are my 5-star D-line commits? Call him names. Hang up.

4:27 AM - Power nap.

4:28 AM - 3-mile jog.

4:29 AM - Play game of NCAA 07. Beat LSU 63-0.

With Valdosta State.