Dark Lord Belichick visits Tuscaloosa; UA coaching clinic

Sith Lord Belichick to Saban: ‘Only together can we dominate the game of football’

A GUMP4HEISMAN SPECIAL REPORT

Bill Belichick is coming to Tuscaloosa.

And he’s bringing his dark ways with him. As is customary in the off-season of every major college football program, the Alabama Crimson Tide is bringing in a slew of football coaches to help prepare the team for the upcoming season.

It’s just that a more pedestrian football program might not have attracted the most preeminent name in coaching today: Patriots Head Coach, and noted Sith Lord, Bill Belichick.

The bond between Belichick and Saban goes back to their days on the Cleveland Browns coaching staff in the 1990s, where Belichick mentored Saban in the ways of football, defense, game management and the Dark Side of the Force.

“Aight, Coach Belichick is an excellent coach, and we feel honored, aight, as a program to have him in Tuscaloosa,” said coach Saban. “He’s a man who knows how to runs a successful organization, relative to dominating people, and relative to getting things done in the front office. Aight, which is one reason why we felt it necessary, aight, to bring him here.”

It had been rumored for weeks that Belichick was being brought into town to re-energize efforts for an addition to Alabama’s stadium. The reporter who first broke the story was Birmingham News writer Ian Rapoport. This from Rapoport’s al.com blog:

    “Little does the SEC know that the
    Crimson Tide has secretly
    begun construction on a new
    high-tech football stadium even
    more powerful than the first
    dreaded Bryant-Denny Stadium.

    When completed, this ultimate
    stadium will spell certain doom
    for the small band of SEC teams
    struggling to keep the sleeping giant
    down and maintain freedom
    in the galaxy....”

On Thursday, Rapoport's report was confirmed. Early in the morning, Coach Saban interrupted a press conference held by University of Alabama president Robert Witt in which the topic of discussion was Alabama’s delayed plans for the renovated stadium.

Saban burst right into the room, cascading up to the podium, giving no regard to the media.

“Coach Saban,” said Dr. Witt, stopping his speech mid-sentence. “This is an unexpected pleasure. We are honored by your presence.”

“Aight, you may dispense with the pleasantries Dr. Witt,” said Saban. “I am here to put this stadium back on schedule.”

“I assure you, Coach Saban. My men are working as fast as they can.”

(flaring laser eyes) “Perhaps I can find new ways, aight, to motivate them.”

“But Coach Belichick asks the impossible. We need more money.”

“Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.”

“C- C- Coach Belichick’s coming here?”

“That is correct Dr. Witt, and he is most displeased, aight, with your apparent lack of progress.”

“W- we shall double our efforts,” replied Witt.

“I hope so Dr. Witt. Aight. For your sake. Coach Belichick is not as forgiving as I am.”

The open display made it clear. That Bill Belichick was indeed ready for Tuscaloosa. And that Tuscaloosa had better be ready for Bill Belichick.