Gump For Heisman

SEC Coaches Recruiting Breakdowns (Part II)

On Friday, we continue the march of reaction from all 12 SEC head coaches. Yesterday, we got a reaction from the 6th lowest-rated SEC recruiting classes. Today, we take a look at more winners and losers. The Top 6 SEC recruiting classes, in the UNEDITED words of the men who signed them...

Let the F-bombs begin...

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Steve Spurrier, South Carolina  (Rivals.com final ranking: 22nd)

Alright, well hell. #22 ain’t bad. Now pass me my damn 4-iron. I don’t give a Danny Wuerffel fuck about this recruiting shit. Hell, I hate it. There’s nothing that gets under the ol’ ball coach’s skin like having to jerk off a 17-year old kid. ‘Hey kid, you’re the greatest.’ ‘Hey kid, you’re a superstar.’ ‘Hey kid, your dick is so big it needs its own scholarship.’ Holy shit that stuff gets old. How about ‘Hey kid, I’m Steven Orr Motherfucking Goddam King Dingaling Dirk Diggler Wilt Chamberlain Spurrier. Now get your ass to practice.’

I am a fucking legend. My shits are legends. People I shake hands with become legends. If I cum on a girl’s stomach, it’s considered a work of art. When I’m in a bad mood, America should fly their flags half-staff. I am Steve Spurrier. When I was at Florida, I didn’t even have to recruit. I just sat there with my office door open, practicing on my Putt-O-Ramic, drinking scotch and signing the first 25 panhandle big-dicks to walk in my office. Remind me again why I took this fucking job. Why the fuck did I leave Florida? That goddam Daniel Snyder. Homewrecker.

Tommy Tuberville, Auburn  (Rivals.com final ranking: 20th)

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Duck Hunt Fuck! Why did they fire Mike Shula?!? Why God??? Are you even there God??? Huh??? I asked you a question!! Answer me!!! WHY??? Do you realize when ‘Bama had Mike Shula, all I had to do was sit on my ass, fuck my wife once a month, coach a few ballgames, and go duck hunting. And I would dominate Alabama. Hell I would print up t-shirts about dominating Alabama. Before I even did it. That’s how easy it was. I didn’t even have to recruit. I would just flap my ears a couple of times, fly to a recruit’s house, show him a picture of Mike Shula sucking on Don Shula’s dry saggy tit, share a laugh, and – poof – sign a four-star. It was that easy.

Now I got this maniac 24-hour-a-day crackhead midget signing everybody. I mean everybody. He signed the fucking Northern Hemisphere. I got nothing man. Nothing. Fuck! My class isn’t ranked 20th. I added it up, and if you take away my two 5-star non-qualifier rollovers from 2007, this class would be ranked 40th. 40th! FUCK! We didn’t sign shit! Not one top 10 Alabama player. Not one. Alabama got 5 of the Top 35 players in the nation. We barely got 5 of the Top 35 in the fucking state! They got 18 Rivals 250 players. I got fucking zero. Zero! Fuck this. Give me my plastic gun. I want to play a game of Duck Hunt right now. Right fucking now. And I want to shoot that motherfucking smartass laughing dog in the mouth. Why are you laughing at my shit recruiting class you fucking mutt? Let’s see you recruit against Nick Saban, you fucking bag of fleas. You have floppier ears than I do you goofy four-legged fuck. Fuck you! Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!

I hate my life.

SEC Coaches Recruiting Breakdowns (Part 1)

GUMP4HEISMAN.com

Another signing day has come and gone. There were winners. There were losers. There were duffel bags. Full of money. And tractor keys.

Yes, yesterday every coach got to do his Nick Nolte Blue Chips best and sign the best 25 guys he could get his booste- eh, hands on. So this week, we take an unedited look at what every SEC coach had to say about his class when the microphones were, eh, turned off.

Today we'll go through the SEC's 12th-7th ranked classes. And tomorrow, we'll examine classes #6-1.

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Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt  (Rivals.com final ranking: tied – 89th)

Oh come on. 89th? Balls. How did we end up 89th? Oh yea, I forgot. We’re the only good school in this fucking conference. We have to sign smart kids. That’s fucking great. Sidenote to God: Why can’t smart kids play football? Huh? Why don’t you try whipping up a couple of brainiacs with 4.4 40’s? Here’s an idea: a kid who not only understands Sir Isaac Newton’s Law of Gravity, but fucking masters it. I.E. Nerd with a 40” vertical. I want super nerds. I want a nerd who jumps over other nerds in live-action games of checkers, OK?

We’re tied with New Mexico, Colorado State, Florida International, SMU, and Ohio. What is that? Auburn’s non-conference schedule? We couldn’t out-recruit fucking FIU? Holy shit. 89th. That puts us roughly behind Cameron Diaz on Justin Timberlake’s “Best Lays of 2007 List.” Fucking great.

Rich Brooks, Kentucky (Rivals.com final ranking: 57th)

Yea. Hi. 57th. Well, a whole lot of good that Top 10 ranking did us this year huh? We were fucking 54th last year. So let me get this straight: take a shit football program, beat the National Champs, earn a Top 10 ranking, beat Florida State in a bowl game, and win 8 games. And then, fall three spots in recruiting. What in the name of Adolph Rupp is going on? Fuck this. And fuck Jon Voight. Yea, that’s right. I saw that shitty Disney movie where Jon Voight tries to pull off the Rupp. Fuck him and fuck that. Yea, OK, so I’m pissed off. It’s not his fault. Whatever. Angelina Jolie is a fat-lipped road-whore.

Oh boy, I sure hope we win 9 games this year. Because I just can’t wait to get my hands on a fucking 60th ranked recruiting class. C’mon people. I’m at fucking Kentucky. Help me out here. Does anybody know if Patrick Patterson has a good arm?