Stuart Mandel's (Wasted) College Football Mailbag

(Editor’s Note: Stuart’s responses in the 7/30/07 mailbag have been edited heavily due to excessive-drunken-typos.)

Stuart, you seem so clean-cut. All these guys write in and cuss you and you show so much restraint. Do you not ever just want to go on a tirade and let them have it?
--Rebecca, St. Louis

Becky, Becky, Becky. You are so right baby, I am way too nice. Wayway too nice. Waywayway. Way. Well that ends now. Because the Stewie is plastered. And when the Stewie gets plastered, he gets straightforward. And straight horny. And today the Stewie is so drunk he can barely see the keyboard. Thats right baby. “QWERTY” is feelin’ “FLIRTY.” (And yo. I just emailed you my digits. Make it happen.)

But hey, hey Rebecca. It’s a little after lunch and the Stewie’s been drinking since beer:30. (captain-crunch-and-heineken + 3-martini-lunch + bottle-of-tequila-in-my-desk = Holla!) And yo. The Stewie ain’t clean-cut. They make me this way baby. They won’t even let me cuss in this column will they? ____ no they won't.

But the Stewie is always thinking. And in this column, I will cuss. And then I will replace my cusses. With the name of the biggest piece of human douche ever born. 2005 American Idol Runner-up Bo Bice.

Stuart, are you concerned that you may be overlooking this year’s Big 12? You had them ranked 5th among all the conferences. That seems low.
--J. Thomas, Virginia

Whoa. I tell you what I’m concerned about. Whether or not that moderately chunky SI intern I just slapped on the Bice is going to sue the Stewie for all he’s worth. I’m also concerned that, with a name like J. Thomas, you like to take it in the Bice. Listen pal, this is the “Stuart Mandel College Football Mailbag,” not the “J. Thomas VanderDouscheling College Football Mailbag.” So I will rank the Big 12 wherever I want to. Now it is 6th. Behind the SEC, the Pac-10, the Big Ten, the Big East, and my BiceSac.