Gump For Heisman: Tom Luginbill. Master-Ranker.

GUMP4HEISMAN.COM

Editor's Note: The following is a promotional piece written by ESPN recruiting analyst Tom Luginbill. If you're unfamiliar with Luginbill, he was the only analyst to rank Alabama's recruiting class, universally regarded as the top class in the country, at #3. His ranking of Miami (Rivals.com #4) at #1 and Clemson (Rivals.com #12) at #2 did not come without controversy.

In fact, it caused many in the recruiting community to question Luginbill's recruiting knowledge. It also caused many Alabama fans to accuse Luginbill of spurning Nick Saban's Crimson Tide in favor of Randy Shannon's Miami Hurricanes and Tommy Bowden's Clemson Tigers.

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Hello everyone! I’m Tom Luginbill! Doesn’t my name sound cool? Tom Luginbill.

I am known for my rankings. Tom Luginbill. I can rank things. In fact, anyone can rank things. But Tom Luginbill can master-rank things. One time, I met a second grader. And he was ranking things. And I asked him ‘How do you do that?’ And he didn’t answer me. And he kept ranking things with his red crayon. And so I thought, ‘That’s what I can do. I’ll be a ranker of things!’ And so I did. I ranked things. Tom Luginbill. From that day forward. Tom Luginbill.

Now people ask me questions all the time. They ask me “Hey Tom Luginbill, where would you rank my pasta?” And I tell them, “Behind Clemson!”

But I'm no regular ranker. I am a ranker extraordinaire. I am a master-ranker. I master-rank all the time. When I was younger, I would master-rank up to three, four times a day. But today, I’ve calmed down. See, I’ve slowed down a bit. I don’t have to master-rank all the time. So now, I usually only master-rank when my kids are at practice, when my wife’s out of town, or during late night re-runs of Doogie Howser MD.

But Tom Luginbill master-ranks more than just recruiting. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. People ask Tom Luginbill, “Tom Luginbill, do you only master-rank to 17-year old male athletes?” And Tom Luginbill tells them “No silly. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. Women, housing structures, primates in their natural habitats, etc.”

Tom Luginbill. So, here is a lengthy excerpt from my new, comprehensive life guide Tom Luginbill’s Master Rankings: 2008 Edition.

Tom Luginbill. Please enjoy! It’s out in stores now. And it’s only $19.99! Tom Luginbill.

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(Excerpts from TOM LUGINBILL'S MASTER RANKINGS: 2008 EDITION)

Tom Luginbill’s Top 3 Things to type at the start of a Web Address:

1) w
2) w
3) Clemson

Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Adjectives:

1) Biased
2) Incorrect
3) Stubborn
4) ACCarifictastic
5) Objective

Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Explorers with the Last Name “Columbus”:

1) Steve Columbus
2) “Snake Eyes” Columbus
3) Bill S. Preston Columbus
4) Jar Jar Columbus
5) Christopher Columbus

Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Rocky Movies:

1) Rocky V
2) Rocky II
3) Rocky III
4) Rocky I
5) Tommy Bowden